Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 ends........2012 begins

As we draw close to another year, I have been looking back, thinking on everything that has happened. There have been tears, smiles, laughter, new birth, very scary times, very good times, most spent with people who we love. There are some things I wish I could change and some things I would not change for anything. Thinking back farther, 2 years ago right now the future was so scary. We did not know how we would manage the journey. I can only hope Rick would be happy with a few of my choices. He said from the beginning of his part of that journey that how ever the Lord planned, he would be willing to accept it. He was ready either way. And he was. He faced it with everything he had. We try to move on, but sometimes it is difficult. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.

2011 has brought a third grandbaby to our house. Now, if 2012 would bring them to their own home.....I love them but it is time for them to be on their own. Mom and babies with Brandon somewhere else......

2011 has also brought Rick's son into our lives. We have not actually met yet, but soon. Schedule conflicts have kept us from meeting thus far. I do know he would be happy we have made contact. I look forward to introducing y'all to this part of the family soon as we get to know them!

Tonight if I am up to it, I am going to my friend's house for a while to celebrate the New Year, of course, I am supposed to work tomorrow so it wont be too late for me tonight. I am not sure how long I can even stay. I have been out of bed all day so far for the first time since Tuesday. I have managed to get a few bites of breakfast and a few bites of lunch down. That is more than I have had since I ate breakfast Tuesday morning. I think that is good!

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Please stay safe out on the roads tonight!
I love all y'all!
To be continued...........
  So Much To Thank Him For

1)
When I look around and see,
the good things, He's done for me,
I know, I'm unworthy of them all.
But His blessings, He freely gives,
I owe my life to Him,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

CHO:
I've got so much to thank Him for,
so much to praise Him for,
you see, He's been so good to me.
And when I think of all He's done,
and where He's brought me from,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

2)
And each day, while I'm on my way,
I kneel, I just stop to say,
thank you. For all you've done for me.
And some day when I reach heaven's shore,
oh please let me kneel once more,
I've got so much to thank Him for.
repeat chorus

Friday, December 30, 2011

Feeling close to human again!

What a few days! I hate being sick! I finally feel somewhat better, still coughing too much to suit me, but hey, no chills, I don't think any fever, no wheezing.......still not much appetite, but that will get better with time. Still feel weak when I am up a lot, but that will improve too. I go back to work on Sunday morning. Hope I can remember it is 2012 then!

Spent the day watching Walton's reruns on GMC. I have enjoyed the shows. Takes me back. Val took the Christmas stuff down for me. Still gotta move a table around a little.

Well, I know this is short, but it is all I have for now. I hope you all have a Happy New Year!

I love all y'all!
To be continued................

Thursday, December 29, 2011

It has been eventful since my last post

I started having very hard chills right after my last post, had chills all night, could not get warm! So, I had Nick take me to the Dr yesterday. My fever was 102.2. The chills had stopped thankfully! They did a flu swab. I hope I never have to do one of those on anyone ever again! It hurt! It was also negative, which was good as I had taken the flu shot back in early November. I have pneumonia. I had breakfast Tuesday morning, toast last night and a bowl of soup beans and cornbread about an hour ago. I have no appetite. Which I am sure I have a bit of surplus to take care of me......I have been upright longer today than since I started getting sick. I do know I don't want this again!

I need to get my Christmas stuff put away. Just haven't felt too much like it. It is unusual for me to have my tree up on December 29. I hope to feel well enough to start taking it down tonight or tomorrow. I love Christmas, can't wait to get the tree up, but after it's over, I am in favor of taking the tree down until next year!

46 days until Valentines Day
101 days until Easter
361 days until Christmas Day

I love y'all!
To be continued................

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Santa visited

Santa was here 2 days ago. The excitement in Tobi's voice and Bubba too was so precious. Livvy is too little to care yet.

Christmas was OK, it is not the same anymore without Rick. Val Nick and Janna tried their best to make sure I had a "good Christmas". And it was but it is just not the same. And at work well meaning friends ask how Christmas was. It brings tears to my eyes which I don't want to do especially at work. I choke back that it was OK trying not to cry. Then I had to move my patient out and she moves to the room he died in. I couldn't do it. Luckily folks jumped in and moved her for me. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to that room again. It makes me too emotional.

Today, I had a low grade fever and my eyes hurt so bad, along with some pleuritic pain--it really hurts to take a deep breath. Nick picked me up early from work. I took Ibuprofen and went to bed. I just got up about an hour ago. I don't feel too bad except it still hurts to take a deep breath.

A friend since first grade lost her mom to cancer. Please remember that family in your prayers. Sally was a wonderful woman. She was a good Christian. I have many fond memories of growing up and spending the night over there. My first slumber party experiences were at her house.

I hope y'all had a "good" Christmas and that you have a very Happy New Year!
I love all y'all
To be continued...............

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Santa will visit in 2 days.......

Santa has been here already! I want to post a picture of the amazing gifts I have received so far, but for some reason they won't upload in a form you can see.....so I will just have to describe to you what they are and/or if you are a friend on Facebook, you can see for yourself. First, last night Valarie and the babies brought up 3 gifts and placed them under the tree. And living up to her heritage, she "made" me open one of them last night. It was a homemade primitive sign that says: "Gamma's House don't ask don't tell" with stars on it. It's cute! Next this morning my sister in law came over with a homemade cake (yum) and a blanket throw with pictures from over the past 25 years. It is beautiful. I am truly blessed to have the family and friends I have. I love all y'all!

Don't forget, as you give and receive your gifts from family and friends this holiday season, remember the reason we have this glorious season!

For various reasons, I didn't get Christmas cards out this year. I do want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I love all y'all!
To be continued...........

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas time is near.......


A few months ago we decided to have lunch after church on our third Sunday service. I went first, Redea took November and today Sandy had the dinner for December. January will be Tonya's turn.

Last night the preaching went to me (others owned up to it going to them today too, I actually stayed quiet though it did go to me. I am trying to get back to where I need to be, it is slow. I am making excuses. That got me today too.....) Today's service was wonderful. The dinner after went very well too. It has been an awesome day.

With all the excitement of the upcoming celebrations, let us not forget the meaning of the day.

Luke 2: 6-14

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

I work tomorrow, so this is all for tonight.

I love all y'all!

To be continued.............

Friday, December 16, 2011

It should not be so difficult!

Getting pictures from my iPhone should not be so difficult! It now takes about 6 steps to see the pictures from the phone after they go to the computer. Why can't it be as simple as it was prior to the latest "upgrade"? Before all I had to do was plug in the phone and viola! The pictures went to a file on the computer. Now, I have to open the start menu, go to my computer, click on external device, find the iPhone and click 3 more times. Then there are the pictures sooooo small! I don't see how this is improvement!



This photo was taken on October's first birthday. Rick took it. It was about 6 weeks before the tumor was found. It is my dad, me Val and Tobi -- a four generation family picture.

It is so difficult to even get the pictures to the blog! After I get them here, some of them are so bad I have to delete them and they are fine on the phone. Progress. Bah, Humbug!

On another note, the emails continue with Rick's son. We will meet him after Christmas. Between their schedule and mine, that is as soon as I can make it. We will meet. I don't know if it will be a big family dinner here with my family and Rick's or just Nick, Val and me with him and his wife/kids. We haven't worked that out yet. I do know Rick would have been so happy. As it turns out when we took Aurora (our friend from Massachusetts) to the convent at St. Catherines where she served as a nun, we were only about 6 miles or so from his home. Rick knew his family was in that area, and he and I went back the spring of 2009. We just didn't know who to ask for. I wish that could have been different. He wanted to know him. He wanted to know if he had grandchildren through him. And he did. We will do our best to make up for as much lost time as we can.

As you finish up your shopping, please continue to remember the Reason for the Season!

Nine days until Christmas Day, 8 days until Christmas Eve!

I love all y'all!
To be continued..............

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I really don't like dreams



This morning, I woke with one of those dreams that you hate to remember. I dreamed that someone I know had died, someone who shouldn't have. I remember seeing it happen, but don't know how it happened. Dreams are like that I guess. I remember "sleeping until 3" the day after it "happened" and I remember Nick coming in my room to make me get up. I remember looking outside. I heard car doors shutting. It was all of Rick's sisters coming over to visit. Then I woke up. I hate the feeling I get when I have those dreams!

I had a dentist appointment. When I got my teeth cleaned the other day, I had no cavities, (YAY) but I had a crown that the porcelain had come loose from the metal. Kevin had done the original crown, so he replaced it without further charge. I thought that was nice. I have so many crowns and they have been done in KY, Massachusetts, and TN so I wasn't sure who did it!

I put my Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving this year. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I used a new string of lights (150) clear bulbs are my favorite lights for my tree. The string lasted 2 weeks. The bulbs were black. I have been hunting for clear lights since. Today I gave up and put color lights on the tree. It looks OK, but I really miss my clear bulbs! I have 220 lights on it I think, 100 are standard mini lights, 120 are the new LED lights. They look like the mini bulbs but they are a bit different. I am not a fan! They have a "blue" hue while the standard bulbs have a "red-yellow" hue to them. One of the sets has a few pink lights in with the red, blue, green and yellow. Not a fan. :(

Next year, I will buy more clear lights! I guess I will get extra for backup! Can't take it! But it is only 10 days left until Christmas eve, 11 days until Christmas day. I will take the tree down the day after that, so.....I can live with it this year I guess! If you see clear lights anywhere, not LED, please let me know!

Then while I was taking off all the ornaments to remove the old lights and add new, that extreme weakness came over me again. Felt like I was going to pass out. Didn't of course, but sure felt like it. I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and there was a pale white ring around my mouth. I ate a meal bar and drank chocolate milk and felt better after a few minutes. That usually only happens when I have pancakes for breakfast. I didn't have those today!

Please remember the Reason for the Season! And remember those around you who have no one to check on them. Remember those who need your prayers.

"6 For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His Name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince Of Peace. 7 Of the increase of His government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his Kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with Judgment and with Justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this" (Isaiah 9:6-7).


I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I understand why

Today I was sitting on my chair watching SVU sort of. Mostly just thinking. This is a difficult time of year for people who have lost loved ones. There is a distinct absence. It is just there. Tobi climbed up and sat on my lap. She loves my heart necklace. Rick got that for me Christmas 3 years ago. She always looks at it. Today she said: "can I wear your heart?" I told her no, I never take it off. Papaw gave it to me. She said: "I miss papaw." I told her I miss him too. She said: "sorry Gamma." Sweet, sweet baby girl. I know there is no way she can really remember him. She does know his pictures. She sees how much he loved her.

I understand why this time of year is so hard on people. I really do. Now, don't go getting worried about me. I am OK! Just sad.
Psalm 121:1-2 "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth."
Please continue to remember the reason for this glorious season. Had it not been for Him..........

I love all y'all.
To be continued............

Monday, December 5, 2011

Yesterday!

All I can say is "yesterday was amazing!" Not only did it mark the second anniversary of our finding out that the tumor was a Stage IV (worst, and terminal); a first for me-- a new device to assist the heart was utilized yesterday and I got to be the first in CCU to have one......AND Rick's son from his first marriage found us through an accident! We knew about him, and even looked for him a few months before the tumor was found. Rick worried that his son would hate him. He worried that he wouldn't want to know him. He worried that he would never get to meet him and wondered if he had grandchildren through him. He knew his first wife's husband had adopted the baby at a very young age and raised him as his own. He was OK with that because above all else, he wanted his son to be loved and back then he thought he was too bad of a person to have contact with a baby--that he had no right to have a baby love him. That was from a different time in his life-- a time he regretted and wished he could make right. I digress yet again. A few weeks ago I received a friend request on Facebook. Usually I delete these if I don't know the person AND we have no common friends. For some reason I didn't this time. I left it there. I would go back to it and see if I could figure it out. I couldn't. And I rarely read my AOL email. I was having trouble sleeping Saturday night (early Sunday morning by this time) and decided to look at my email on my phone. That is the great thing about phones these days! Anyway. I was deleting emails from people I didn't know one after the other. Then I got to this one. From someone I don't know but there is that name again. Hummm. Do I have a stalker? No, not me! I passed it by deleting some more but not this one. Then that name haunted me. I opened it. It started by I don't know how to begin....here goes.....and he told me his story and how he found us. He said he would understand if I didn't want to have contact. I emailed him back. I told him about how we had looked for him a couple years ago but really didn't have a clue how. We were close but not close enough! I told him we would be happy to meet him. I called Val up and showed her and she is so excited to meet her older brother. She was still awake. I told Nick the next morning. We will meet him in the next few weeks. He doesn't live too far away. And Rick had grandsons. The youngest favors Tober. When I went back to that friend request on Facebook, it was him and I accepted it. Then I sent a message to Beverly and Teresa and they are friends with him too. He actually resembles Teresa's son. Small world sometimes. And the electronic age just keeps bringing people together.

He found us while browsing the Corvette Museum's website. A funeral home ad popped up, he clicked on it and found Rick's obit. I won't mention his name here unless he gives me permission to. They did find my blog as well and he and his wife read it. They have gotten to "know us" by the info on the blog. He is retired from firefighting and is still a volunteer fire fighter AND he gardens......

In the meantime, y'all keep remembering the reason for the upcoming season. 19 days until Santa comes, 20 days until the birthday of the One who makes all things possible!

I love all y'all!
Remember us in your prayers!
To be continued..................

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Two years ago

This blog entry is about my feelings today because it is the second anniversary of the surgery date. I am sad today. This entry is not intended to generate sympathy in any way, shape form or fashion. If you chose to read this, you may cry. I have. This is my blog about my feelings and my blog title is at a standstill right now. I am not moving on. I am remembering.


It does not seem like two years have passed but they have. In ways it seems like twenty two and in ways just yesterday. I still hear you walk around the house, I still smell your cologne, I still hear the TV remote fall to the floor. But it's not you, it is just a memory. Two years ago at the time I am writing this entry, I was getting to visit you for the first time after surgery. You were awake, smiling even. I had the picture of the grandbabies we made before surgery placed at your bedside. There were many, many people waiting to see you. Some of your sisters (Sue, Beverly and Roger, Teresa and Tom) were there, Nick was there, Brother Steven and Kim, Brother David and Betty, Keith, Bobbie Joe, Jimmy and Norma with Aidan, Kathy and Sandy.....all of us waiting to see you. And in the ICU were old friends of mine, one was taking care of you and he said everyone could see you for a few minutes a couple at a time--so we did. You wanted to talk to them, but he wanted you to rest.

After the last visit of the night, I came back home for the night. And those friends listed above stayed so I would not have to drive that distance alone. Dr. Hampf had said you had a glio so I looked it up because I couldn't remember everything I had known about it. I didn't like what I read. I prayed for it to be a stage III so at least treatment might give us another year or two.

You spent the rest of Tuesday in the ICU, all of Wednesday and that night in there and they let me stay with you that night. That was something they rarely did. I was grateful. You got to move out on Thursday. We took walks, but you were a little short of breath. Everything looked good though. You had no hair. I teased you about being bald.

Friday morning came. Dr. Hampf came in and sat down. He had difficulty coming out with the diagnosis. Then he said it. Stage IV. He said with chemo and radiation we might get a year. Without both therapies, 3 to 6 months would be a long time. He let us come home with all your records. Appointment after appointment would be made. The long journey was just beginning. You told him if you could not be cured you only wanted to be comfortable and no heroics. He said he would abide by your wishes. You made me promise that too. Your speech was good. We got all your stuff loaded and I brought you home. Over the next few weeks you thought you could do anything you wanted. Never mind that you had just had major brain surgery. I let you do what you wanted as long as I knew you were safe at it. The month of December is a blur. Near the end of December neighbors lost their daughter in a terrible accident just a few days from Christmas Eve. We went to the funeral home on December 23. Then we went to the Mexican restaurant to eat before church. On the way home from church, I got deathly ill (food poisoning verses stomach virus--just the thoughts of a burrito make me ill even now). I was blessed to get call on Christmas Day since I was still sick! We spent a short time together at my parents then you went on to your sisters. That is where you wanted to be. I was a bit selfish. I was so afraid it would be your last Christmas and I wanted you to spend it with me. I didn't say a word to you though. I let you go on over there and after presents at my parents house, I came on to Teresa's.

Your appointment with the Oncologist did not go as we had hoped. Radiation would start just before New Year's eve. There would be no Chemotherapy available because of other problems you had. The anemia would prevent you from receiving chemo. He said the Chemo would likely kill you before the cancer would. Dr. Smith said a couple more months even with radiation would be a long time. I am not sure to this day that you heard that. And I am glad you didn't because you had fight in you. If you'd heard that, you might not have.

Church services were special to you as long as you could get to them. And you testified. And I will never forget those. They are part of what keeps me going.

I love all y'all
To be continued................

Monday, November 28, 2011

Remember the 'Reason for the Season'

As I sit here and look over various posts I read one that troubled me. Something to the effect that "we are not allowed to say Merry Christmas but rather Happy Holidays" and how it saddens that person. I have seen it posted several times over the past few days. It troubles my heart to think that this great nation whose sole founding principle was to have freedom to worship the One on high! That is why our ancestors left England and France and every other country to come over here-- to have freedom without being told how to worship. At least that is what I was taught in school. And I believe that if a person wants to worship, they should be able to without condemnation from anyone else. Period. Many of our problems began when they took God out of school and took spanking away from the schools. I was raised with both. The fear of a spanking (we called it a whipping) kept me in line. I didn't want one. And if I had gotten one at school, you can rest assured I would have gotten more when I got home. So back to the post. I will say Merry Christmas every time I address this upcoming Season. I will. I don't care who tells me I can't. I will say it! It is Christmas! It is a Christmas Tree, not a holiday tree. It is the day we celebrate the birth of the One!

For the next few weeks, several times a week, make a post on Facebook concerning Christmas. Maybe it is your favorite Christmas song, maybe your favorite verse from the Holy Bible regarding His birth, maybe it's a Christmas story or quote from your favorite Christmas movie. Maybe it is a story from one of your favorite memories of Christmas. Whatever it is, let's do it! We did it with the Thanksgiving posts. We can do this.
Luke 1:27-32

27To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary.

28And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

29And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

30And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

31And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.

32He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:

I love all y'all!
To be continued...........

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Remember the Reason for the upcoming Season!"

Had he lived, Rick would have celebrated his 64th birthday today. It has been a difficult day today. I've had some good memories, but I really miss him. I remember his last birthday as I said on a recent post. It's hard to believe that's been two years!!

One thing I want to say--I've been saying--and will continue to say--as you make plans and buy your gifts, remember that we would not have this holiday to celebrate had it not been for Him! If you don't know the reason for the season, please search and find!!

I love all y'all!
To be continued.......
I haven't said it in a while--I love CPAP!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

It just is

Today has been a day full of emotion. I'm trying to sort it all out.

Went to the Christmas parade at Brownsville tonight- it was a nice night for a parade!

After the parade, I went to church at Holly Springs. After church, I drove home, looked at Christmas lights- they are beautiful. Came home and have cried since. It will be ok! It really will!

Good night!

I love all y'all!

To be continued.....

Friday, November 25, 2011

In awe

Two years ago today, I brought Rick home to have Thanksgiving and his birthday with family. It was a Wednesday. We had a nice drive home and he decided he was well enough to go to prayer meeting. And he was. As I recall, his speech improved enough that he testified. Noots was there and he asked him to sing his song. 'I'm a Winner Either Way' was his song. He said that he was a winner because if he could be cured, he would be here and serve the Lord, and if he had to go, he would one day live in Heaven and still serve the Lord! He meant it. Noots sings that song and the power was there. Then as I have posted previously, Rick came around front and the elders who were present and church members all gathered around him. We prayed for God's will to be done and for strength for us to accept what ever that will was to be. It was an awesome service. I had never been in one quite like it before.

The next day would be Thanksgiving which we spent with both families. Doug and his family came "home" from Ohio for the weekend. We then went to Beverly's for dinner with his side. His speech was pretty good and he had a great day with family. His birthday would be on Friday and I had to work. I left him with the kids and Val called a few people and had an impromptu birthday lunch for him. David and Betty, Norman, Keith and Judy, my parents and I have no idea who else because I was at work were here for it. He and David spent part of most of the days together between that day and Dec. 1st. They had become great friends.

Here are the words to Rick's favorite song. By the way, it was his favorite from the first time Noots sang it. It was the last song he heard the night he died. I would encourage you to go to You Tube and search the song by Bird Youmans. It is as close to Noots singing as I can find. Listen to the words. I beg you, if you can't say that you are a winner either way that you search your heart and find the One who can make you a winner.
WINNER EITHER WAY

1)
A LOVED ONE KNEW HE'D REACHED THE END OF LIFE'S JOURNEY,
BUT HE'D BEEN HOLDING TO GOD'S HAND A LONG, LONG TIME
AND AS I KNELT BESIDE HIS BED,
MY HEART WAS THRILLED AT WHAT HE SAID,"
IF I GO, OR IF I STAY, THE VICTORY IS MINE."

2)
NONE OF US REALLY KNOWS ABOUT TOMORROW,
WE MUST PREPARE TO GO TO HEAVEN ANY DAY
BUT WHILE WE'RE HERE LET'S TRUST THE LORD,
HE'LL LEAD US SAFE TO OUR REWARD
AND BY HIS GRACE, WE'LL BE A WINNER EITHER WAY

CHORUS)
I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY, IF I GO OR IF I STAY
FOR I'LL STILL HAVE MY JESUS EACH PASSING DAY
I'LL HAVE MY HEALING HERE BELOW, OR LIFE FOREVER IF I GO
OH PRAISE THE LORD, I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY.
Psalms 86:11 – 12 “Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore.”(KJV)
I love the Psalms. The Psalms are the "songs of King David". There is much wisdom in each verse!

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Even if

Two years ago today (24th) was the day we found out that there was a primary tumor (only site) that it was most likely a glioblastoma multiforme and that it was probably at least a stage III, maybe a IV but they wouldn't know until surgery. my heart sank from my days working at Baptist (I had been manager of the neuro ICU). They did find out that it was the only tumor which was good in one way, (only one tumor) but Dr. Hampf did say if the tumor was metastasis (from somewhere else) that it would have had a much better cure rate. If it was a stage IV, a year would be a long time IF chemo and radiation were an option. But we would know more after surgery. He would continue the high dose steroids Tuesday and maybe let me bring him home for the holiday and his birthday on Wednesday and come back the first week of December for the surgery. Dr. Hampf also tried to reassure me that there would have been no way to diagnose this tumor any sooner, in fact, he was amazed that I took him to the ER that day for the reasons I did. He said it is usually more symptomatic than it was before they are found.

I prayed almost non-stop for it to be a stage III or less, and this still, small voice kept telling me "trust Me" and I did trust Him, I had to be willing to accept whatever the plan was to be. That is where the scripture about the fourth man in the fire comes in. It had not been long at that time that Brian Minton owned his calling to preach at prayer meeting. One of the first things I remember him preaching was about this scripture. I refer you to the Book of Daniel, third chapter, all verses. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had to be willing to trust God to protect them and to have the faith to maintain their faith and that even if they did not survive the flame, there would be a better place and God had another plan. They went into that furnace eyes wide open with their faith and low and behold, He was there with them! And He protected them and the King Nebuchadnezzar who witnessed this great act of faith was changed. He believed in the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. God was with us. He told me "trust Me" many, many times, and I still hear Him whisper that to me. I try to trust Him. I know His plan is perfect. I know that I trust him even if it does not turn out the way I want it to. His plan is perfect. I, however, am human and weak. Sometimes I just want to know why He had to take him from us. I try not to question that, but sometimes it just comes out. He has helped me so many times over the years, and especially the last two. He made a way for me to be with Rick the whole time, He made a way for Rick to leave us just the way he did, He made a way for his loved ones to be there. He made a way.

Was this a test of my faith? I don't know. I do know that I have to work hard to maintain it sometimes. I think everyone has had to do that sometimes. I can't say I have to work any harder now than I did before the tumor was found. I do know, however, that I am not where I need to be in my faith. And I am working on that. Please bear with me.

And if I could have Rick back and in pain I would not do that. If I could have him back but he would suffer and struggle for his breath, I would not do it. If I could go back to October 1984 and know what I know now, I would still do it all again. I would. Thank you Chad Grote for those beautiful words at Jenn's funeral. I agree 200%!!

These next few weeks will be full of emotion from me, unless God sees fit to remove it from me. And I may write about it, and I may not. But know this, writing helps me deal with my feelings. I cried the whole time I wrote this tonight. I am not writing this to generate sympathy. I am writing this because his birthday would have been in 3 days and I miss him more than any of you could imagine. I come home to an empty house, sleep by myself, it is hard. I am trying to cope with it and right now it is hard.
Daniel 3:23-25
23And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

24Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

25He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the search box Daniel 3 KJV and it will give you the entire scripture. I love that site!

I love all y'all!

To be continued.............

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

So it is here


This blog entry is not meant to generate sympathy in any way, shape form or fashion. It simply is how I feel right now. And I created this blog in June 2010 to help me deal with my feelings around Rick's illness and death. If you don't want to read it, then don't! I will never know!



This was taken on Tober's first birthday a month and week before the tumor was found.

Two years ago this date, 11/22/09 was the last 'normal' day we had as a family. This was a Sunday and I worked. Rick showed up at work with a coke for me and asked me what I wanted him to pick up for supper. I told him. He was all smiles! About 30 minutes before time for me to go home he called me at work. He was concerned that he had trouble ordering a baked potato for me. He didn't understand why he couldn't say it. And he still couldn't. Then he said he was just tired and that would be it. I miss him today just like it was yesterday. I still hear him sometimes. I guess that I always will. I look at Bubba and I see his Papaw. Two years ago tomorrow will mark the anniversary of the beginning of another journey.
Jeremiah 6:16
16Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein.
Jeremiah 29:11
11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Yesterday I wrote a little about the old paths. Today I posted where that was from and I posted a scripture that has helped me so much these past 2 years. I lean on it! And I know one day His plan will be revealed!

Please remember my family in your prayers. We will remember you in ours. Please remember your friends and neighbors too! Please remember the sick and their families in your prayers!

I love all y'all!
To be continued................

Monday, November 21, 2011

The tree is up!



So today I decided I wanted to put the Christmas tree up instead of waiting until Saturday. I mentioned it to Nick who was not happy with my choice. He said we should wait because for all his life we have put that tree up Saturday after Thanksgiving except for Christmas 1994, the year we moved into our first house. We moved in December 18, and I put the tree up around getting moved in! But with everything in me, I just had to put it up! And it has been so very hot today to me. Not like Christmas at all! But as I sit here with the lights out except for the trees and candles I find comfort in it. On the top of the mantle you can see two candle lights. Those are battery tea lights placed in rustic candle holders (they look like wood, but they are resin or something). They are ideal! Very Prim! My dear friend Norma brought these back from Wisconsin to me 5 or 6 years ago, I believe. Time has a way of getting away from me! I want to find a small string of white or red lights to the berry/greenery decorating the mantle top. The ornaments on the tree are many years worth of primitive ornament collecting, Precious Moments ornaments and special ornaments from the kids Christmases! The tree will not hold any more ornaments!

And this tree stays up all year round, right now it has ornaments that I have been collecting since 1988, I have all of them. They are from Hallmark, called Mary's Angels. They are precious!

Also the Walton Thanksgiving story is on and John is reading something John Boy wrote years ago about walking the old paths! I have been thinking about something Michael John preached one Sunday at Miller Hill about getting back to the old path. That has stuck with me. Now I know I need to apply that to my life. I get distracted so easy and that is just an excuse for not doing what I know I should!

this is an ornament that my friend from work Samantha made for me! I love it and it is perfect!


And this ornament was given to us last year by our dear friend Sandy. It is inscribed on the back with Rick's name and dates. It is precious to us!

The following song is my favorite Christmas song. It is special to me. These women singing have voices as I expect the angels will have! Heavenly! And they sing this song perfectly!




O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining.
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born!
Oh night divine! Oh night! Oh night divine!

Chains shall he break for the slave is our brother,
and in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we;
Let all within us praise his holy name.
Christ is the lord, that ever, ever praise we.
Noel! Noel! Oh night;oh night divine!
Noel! Noel! Oh night; oh night divine!
Noel! Noel! Oh night; oh night divine!

I love all y'all!
To be continued...........

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Thanksgiving week!

First, I want to say again "Happy Birthday Norma!" I love you!

Boy, they are still coming daily! The "thankful for" posts have been so faithful! And if we miss a day, we catch up! This is exciting! Y'all did a great job! Thank you for participating! We will do it again next year! I am thankful to have friends like y'all! I have been so blessed to read most of the posts! On the days I work, I can only check on break, and I am sure I missed some, but they have been wonderful!

Worked this weekend, it was a busy one! We had good days though even if we were busy!

The next few days are going to be a bit trying I think. Though it was on Sunday when things started for Rick, the actual day is Wednesday when the tumor was found, so Tuesday marks the day he had trouble talking. Wednesday is the second anniversary of the tumor diagnosis. And although this is one of my favorite times of the year because of what the upcoming holiday represents, it is also now a sad time. But I am thankful for the knowledge and witness that I have that one day I will see him again. His salvation was so obvious. The change in him from that day onward to his last was something only people who truly knew him would notice. He was always a likable man, thoughtful to people he met and knew, but there was a side of him that truly changed. The tumor did cause some personality change, but that was minor compared to some things. I am grateful for every testimony I heard and felt from him at church. I am thankful that we said Grace before every meal, that we read a verse every morning before the first Grace of the day. That he made an effort to have a Christian home whoever was here. It did not matter. We read. We said Grace. Many mornings we had extra people here for breakfast. Sometimes they would say the Grace. Didn't matter it was done!

Nick's girlfriend, Janna, has 2 sisters. They were baptized today! I am very happy for them! Their family is complete now. It means so much to have your home complete! Very glad ours is!

I believe in that respect, this scripture is appropriate!

Matthew 3:13 - 16
13 Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. 14 But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”

15 Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented.

16 As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. 17 And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

Rick was baptized at Rhoda Creek in November 2002. I will never forget it. Bobbie Joe Meredith was one of his childhood friends, they grew up together, Bobbie Joe was the first person Rick told about being saved, he baptized him and he preached his funeral.

That is all for tonight, please continue to remember each other when you pray! And please remember Jesus is the reason for the upcoming season!

I love all y'all!

To be continued............

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Friends!

So, what would we ever do without friends? I know there is no way I could have made it the past two years without my friends. And 2 of them are celebrating birthdays! Sandy celebrated on Friday. She was one of my rocks when Rick was so sick. She was there the day of surgery. She was there like ESP or something every time something went bad. She knew when things were bad and I would look up and there she was. I hope that nothing ever happens where I would need to be that rock for her, but if it did happen, God forbid, that I would be there! Then there is Norma. Norma is my friend since the first day we bought this farm. We met her and her husband while working on the property. They were out riding four wheelers. They had this big black lab named Kota. She was a sweet heart of a dog, and Nick loved her, really he did. The first time they met though, Kota thought he wanted to play. She sure did. But she didn't know Nick had just been flogged by Mr. Smith's banty rooster. Bless his heart. He did come to love her, though and we all cried when she died. Anyway, Norma's birthday is Sunday. We can go for weeks and weeks without talking or seeing each other, but if one needs the other, we are always there. She was there for us through Rick's illness, she, Jimmy and Aidan came to the hospital in Nashville the day of surgery, she visited, checked on my dog and Val and her babies often. If I called her at 2 am and she had been up 2 days, she would still come to me. And I would her!

I don't mean to leave out anyone who came to the hospital, anyone who stayed, came to Nashville or anything, it is just that these two have birthdays (had yesterday and have tomorrow)--I want to mention that! Everyone who came by or whispered a prayer or checked on something for us, or checked on us through someone else, or just offered to, who asked about us, who stayed to let me come home for a shower and change of clothes, you are all special too! We could not have made it without any of you! And I still feel the strength of prayers! I couldn't make it today without it!

Sandy, I saw your birthday pictures, glad you had a great time! Norma, Happy Birthday tomorrow.......we have been at this 20 years next month! Can you believe it?! Happy Birthday to my friends. I love you both more than I could ever tell you!

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Friday, November 18, 2011

Just remembering......


This tree has "Mary's Angels Ornaments from Hallmark. I have been collecting these since 1988 when the first one came out. Still gotta get this year's! They are precious! Besides for kids Christmases and the ornament of the year from Precious Moments, this is the only ornament I collect.

With the snow flurries yesterday, and the cold weather the past couple of days, and seeing all the pictures of Christmas trees already up, and my own beginnings of Christmas decorating, Keith having the soft stick peppermint candy that I can't seem to say no to, my scentsy snowman warmer and the delicious aromas coming from it, I am reminded of my own Christmases from times long ago when I was Tober's age......the excitement of knowing Santa was coming, the excitement of that Christmas tree going up meant it was near.....the anticipation of putting our stockings up - which were my knee socks - we had no mantle to put them on. We heated with a wood stove and the stockings went on the wall to the right of the stove. Christmas morning we ran to those stockings and got candy and oranges and tangerines.......sometimes nuts and the hard ribbon candy with Christmas colors that would stick to the socks and we ate it anyway then to the tree to see what Santa had left us! That anticipation kept us awake until close to midnight and woke us by 3 or 4 am! Pop forbade us to get up before 5 so we lay there awake counting the minutes until we could get up!


This cabinet was one Rick had bought at a sale. His Aunt Bonita used it for years, then she didn't need it anymore, so she had us bring it home. We put it in the kitchen, I use it for cookbook storage and to decorate for holidays. Christmas and Easter are my 2 favorite Holidays!

As we got older, Greg and I then eventually joined by Bruce and then Doug would get the tree. We walked all day sometimes looking for that perfect tree only to find it missing one whole side! Sometimes it took all day! It was still magical even though as we got older, Santa didn't bring us the same things. I remember hearing my parents in the living room on Christmas eve. They must have had great hiding places for Santa's stuff because our house didn't have a lot of storage. I found a few things from time to time.



Just a few decorations - I have collected snowmen since we moved back here. The smaller one on the table is from about 8 years ago, and the one on the ladder is from this year.

Houchens still sells the candy we used to get. There was that hard ribbon candy, chocolate covered peanuts, orange slices, creme drops (AKA something not PC today lol) and the fruit of course is available year round. Memories! Maybe one day I will scan in some older pictures from those days and add them. I can almost smell that cedar Christmas tree!

There is one thing, though. Through all this excitement and anticipation, let us not forget Who is the Reason for this glorious Season!

Matthew 1

1The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

2Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;

3And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram;

4And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon;

5And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;

6And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias;

7And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa;

8And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias;

9And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias;

10And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias;

11And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon:

12And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel;

13And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor;

14And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud;

15And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob;

16And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

17So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

18Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

19Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.

20But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

21And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.

22Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

23Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

24Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:

25And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.

I love all y'all!

To be continued.......

Thursday, November 17, 2011

This and that

November is a difficult month in many ways. November 23 will mark the 2 year anniversary of the beginning of our most difficult journey. I hold on to the knowledge that God does nothing in vain and that some day we will all understand why He needed Ricky more than we did. We are blessed by the knowledge and witness that Ricky is resting until that day the great trumpet sounds. November 27 Rick would have been 64. I always teased him about being old. He said he robbed the cradle. Last night was difficult at prayer meeting. I saw him in my minds eye standing over there with every word and song.

I will be fine. I just miss him more than you can know!

The sun is shinning and I am freezing! The fireplace is going and the heat is on! I missed the snow flurries this morning. I looked out several times but wasn't lucky enough to see any! Makes it seem more like Christmas is coming!

As for the post the other day.......we will see how that plays out! Not sure how to start that one.

Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season, keep Christ in Christmas! Without Him, we would not have a holiday to celebrate! I know we all get caught up in what to get for who and just remember without Him, where would we be......

Today's verse is inspired by The Bible Fan Page on facebook. That page has always posted something I need to see just when I need to see it! You might think that is silly, but it has! Take what you will from the passage!
Luke 1:36-37

36And, behold, thy cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren.

37For with God nothing shall be impossible.

I love all y'all! ♥♥♥

To be continued............

Monday, November 14, 2011

It is a good day

So, it has been a great day. Worked, but that was good, had a WKU nursing student with me part of the day. Rode home with Kim Dennis. Love riding with her. May ride in with her in the AM if I can be ready by 0550! (I usually don't get up until 6.....we'll see!)

Saw more outside Christmas decorations on the way home. Got me really wanting to put them out! I may wind up with that tree up before Thanksgiving. Valarie has hers up already.

I am still enjoying reading the thankful for postings every day. On days I work, I have to hunt them because I can't read FB while I'm working. Keep posting! Love it, today my friend's post made me cry. You know who you are. I love you too! Found it during lunch.
Joshua 24:15
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Remember your friends and family in your prayers!
I love all y'all. That's all for tonight.
To be continued..............

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Back to work tomorrow

It is only 6:44pm as I begin this post. It feels like it should be 10pm. I am gonna go to bed soon as my clothes are finished. Hope I sleep all night! Nick is beginning to feel better!

And no, this is not my Christmas tree. It is my Primitive Tree. I keep it lit all year, it has stars, hearts, other sentimental ornaments that are not Christmas ornaments on it. Sometimes in the fall, I put leaf garland and leaf ornaments, acorns and such for the season. I didn't get them out this year. I do have a few snow men out and one small string of lights inside the house, but if you are outside, you will still see fall decorations.......

It would seem the strife of the past couple of posts are gone, for now anyway. I hope the person realizes that needs and wants are two different things and that the things said about "love" are really true. It is not the fairy tale! I thought I wanted the fairy tale. I learned there is much more to "love" and marriage than what is seen in movies and on TV. It is not like the Cleavers, or Lucy and Ricky, or the Brady's where the husband goes out and works with the wife staying home. In this economy and this day we live in, it is very difficult to accomplish. There are those who do, and I know several, but it's just not the norm! I wish it was. Our culture was so much more down to earth and children more behaved when mom stayed home. My mom did until I was in eighth grade. Pop's health failed so he stayed home and she went to work. He did draw a retirement check from the US Postal Service however, so it is not like he didn't contribute. And Uncle Sam provided our insurance through USPS. And the economy was much different then too! Much cheaper to live then!

I talked to my sister-in-law in Ohio today. She is also a nurse. She works in home health up there. She was telling me about how they are going to computer charting. She was also telling me she doesn't have her Christmas stuff out yet, but that she will soon. Her oldest is going there from Florida with his first child and wife for Christmas. She can't wait to get hold of her granddaughter.

There are 41 days left until Christmas. There are 11 days left until Thanksgiving. I really am excited every morning to begin reading the "thankful for" posts. I am really happy how many people are participating. And if they skip a day, most catch up! Love it!

As we get closer to Christmas I ask you to remember the reason we have the Christmas season. I know from personal experience, we as humans tend to get caught up in the commercialization (had to look that word up to spell it lol) of the holiday. So beginning December twelve until (and including) Christmas morning let's post something related to Christmas. 'What Christmas means to me' posts maybe. Has me thinking already! We will see. Let me know what you think!

This is the story I read every Christmas eve while my children were growing up.
Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.


I love all y'all!
To be continued..........



Friday, November 11, 2011

11/11/11

That is wild. 11/11/11! I feel very blessed to be able to read so many of the continuing posting of a status of thanks for 11 days now and people have joined us! "Catching up" so to speak! I read each one I see. And I smile!

Nick is doing OK. He has hurt some today, he walked quite a bit, now he is asleep. I think he should feel better each day. Thanks for all the calls, texts and posts about him! He loves all y'all too!

Yesterday I posted my feelings on facebook about how I feel about marriage/love/stuff like that. I have caught a little flack about it. I have been told that I have a "better than" or "holier than thou" attitude about it! I can assure you I don't! And if I come across that way, I apologize! I know that I am NOT better than ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE! I AM NOT!!!! I, like a lot of people, have opinions that I like to voice. Last I knew this was a free country and on MY facebook page and in MY blog I intend to post MY feelings. I may borrow or copy someone else's post if they mirror my own thoughts, and I will give credit where it is due. I miss Rick and this being close to the anniversary of the tumor discovery makes it feel more intense. His birthday would have been in 16 days. Lots of reasons to miss him! And when I get some inspiration, I write. It helps me deal with extreme feelings of loss, of guilt for not thinking something was wrong much sooner (there were no real obvious symptoms--none! I have to keep reminding myself that) of grief. I have to voice them either on facebook or on the blog. I have to or I would break down. I can't afford to break down, so I write. And when I know someone is having trouble, I want to help. If I can say something to make someone realize it is not so bad or maybe it is time to do something......give encouragement, make someone realize that maybe they have taken for granted something, a word or gesture or something......I have been told by a couple of cousins that my posting about my feelings around the loss of Rick has helped them have a new appreciation for their spouse. Not that their marriage was in trouble, but after a time sometimes we as humans tend to just take life for granted. Like we have forever! We did. We were planning to renew our vows on our 25th anniversary. He died just under 4 months before that happened. And a 25th anniversary is something I will likely never get to experience. Face the fact that I am 52.5 years old and have no wish to even find someone else......that just seems like something that is unrealistic. And I am not complaining about that! I am not. I am just stating something obvious. I am not trying to make someone feel sorry for me either. That is not the intent of this blog. I don't want anyone to pity me! I write to get my feelings out so that I can function. Period!
So if I write something that makes you see something in yourself, maybe it was supposed to be that way. Maybe I wrote and you read because you needed something I was able to provide. Don't get mad at me for it. I am writing about me not you! If I can help you, then I am blessed again. Because writing my feelings gave me a blessing, and if I help someone else, then I am blessed again!

I hope this makes sense and if I offend you, then I am sorry. I am not writing/talking about you! I am talking about me and my problems/feelings/emotions/beliefs/traditions.....
(Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV)
(5) Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. (6) In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I love all y'all! Everyone!
To be continued..........

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Traditions!

Websters Dictionary defines "Tradition" as:

a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom)

Two weeks from to
day my family (all that are able to) will gather at my parents and celebrate Thanksgiving in the same way we have been celebrating it all my life. I wouldn't change a thing! I am blessed to have been born into the family that I was born into. I am blessed to have married into the family I married into as well. Their tradition is to gather together as well. I love my family and (unless I get call) I will be thinking of them on that special day. ALL OF THEM!

I will be working on Thanksgiving this year. That is, unless I get call. Two years ago, I was given call just after Rick was diagnosed with that tumor. It was our last Thanksgiving ever, and I will cherish it always. I am thankful for the traditions handed down to me as I grew up. I am thankful for the traditions upheld by Rick and I over the years, the ones handed down and the ones we established and grew as our marriage grew. He always said that the holidays were not as special to him as he saw they were to me. I was raised to respect those traditions. He saw that and honored it. He also insisted we establish a few of our own traditions as well. One of those is that on Christmas eve I always read the Christmas story from St. Luke in the Bible. Then we read "The Night Before Christmas", then bedtime for Santa to visit. I still found myself last year reading from St. Luke and reciting The Night Before Christmas to Tobi and Perry. And if no one is here this Christmas eve, I will read and recite to myself!

I love Thanksgiving. It was an important holiday to my Papaw James. When he was living, the tradition was for him to buy the turkey and the next day for my mom to make turkey salad from the left overs for him. I miss him! He passed away in November 1981--maybe the 22 I can't remember right now-- I miss him! Rick was in the room he died in for 5 weeks. It was difficult in more ways than one! My mamaw James also died in the ICU and when Rick had a bowel obstruction and emergency surgery in 1999, he was in the room she died in overnight. That was also in November 1994. Then Rick had the brain tumor diagnosed in 2009 in November. My first pregnancy loss was also in November 1986.

Enough sad memories!

Nick had his gallbladder out today. He is in quite a bit of pain, but that is to be expected. He had major surgery after all! He is in bed now, sleeping. He will be fine and I would love to tell y'all how blessed I feel after reading all the "likes", comments, posts and phone calls! We love all y'all!

Nick prior to going into surgery!
Nick getting ready to go home after surgery!
Looks a little different....


2 weeks until Thanksgiving!



44 days until Christmas Day!
Just in case you need updating.....

I love all y'all!!!!
To be continued.............


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I am a bit scattered today

I feel a little scattered today! Nick is having surgery tomorrow. It is considered a major surgery, but it is a simple procedure as surgeries go. He will be having a "lap chole" which is also called Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy which is a fancy word for he is having his gall bladder out through a scope. At least I hope that is the way it comes out. He has never had any abdominal surgery, so there isn't any reason I can think of why it won't work like that. He should come back home tomorrow. I think he is a little worried. He has been edgy all day. He is asleep on the floor on a mattress in the living room. I have a feeling it is because he is a little scared. Y'all please remember him in your prayers. He has been through a lot (as we all have - everyone included!) these past two years. It has been hard on him not to have his dad here. I know his temper shows sometimes, but he is having a hard time dealing with Rick's death.

Anybody wanna do my dishes where I have cooked today? I don't either but if I don't they won't get done. LOL!
Psalms 50:14-15

14Offer unto God thanksgiving; and pay thy vows unto the most High:

15And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.

I love all y'all!
To be continued.......


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The closer it gets.....

November 23 it will be 2 years since we were kicked in the chest with cleats. That was the day we found out Rick had a brain tumor. The closer it gets to that day, the more anxiety I feel. I am not sure why, I know it is just another day in the grand scheme of things, but it is an anniversary I wish I had never had. Is that wrong to wish that? All in all I would never wish him back unless he could be healthy. I would not have him suffer any more or struggle for one more breath. But I miss him so much. And as it gets closer to that anniversary and in 19 days his birthday, I just feel like there is a weight on my heart that I can't make go away. I suppose it is part of the grief process.

Jeremiah 19:11
11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know that some day it will be revealed to us. I know some day I will see him again. I know God has a grand plan and one day when the trumpet sounds, we will all know........

Please remember each other in prayer!

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Monday, November 7, 2011

What a week! And it is just Monday!


Miss Livvy!

There has been so much going on! I am so thankful to have the next few days off! YAY! It makes me happy to have a few days off! But, some of them will be a bit busy! Nick has gall bladder surgery on Thursday morning. He dreads it, but with it only functioning 13%, he has been hurting!

Does it make anyone wonder about all the earthquakes lately? There have been 3 in the past couple days in Oklahoma alone! Rick has family out there! They are also having storms/tornadoes tonight and just had an earthquake a short time ago! WOW!
Matthew 24

1And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.

2And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.

3And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?

4And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.

5For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.

6And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.

7For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.

8All these are the beginning of sorrows.

9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.

10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

I am thankful for all the friends/family who are participating in the "November I am thankful for" status updates. Each and every one does my heart good! It has made me think about what gratitude really is. :)

I am also thankful Lester was not hurt any worse than he was! He could have been killed today and oh, how sad that would have been! He was nearly electrocuted! He was thrown off the ladder and probably has a concussion! He is home and resting tonight! Please pray for them! Rick worried about Lester, one of the last things he tried to do was get Lester to come to church!

Please remember your friends and neighbors in you prayers (including me!) I will remember you in mine!

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I AM PROUD TO BE FROM EDMONSON COUNTY BORN AND RAISED!!!!!!

It is good to see everyone meeting the challenge! We have even gained some people too as some of my friends have posted the challenge on their own wall! I think we might make this a tradition!

It was an OK day today. I had to work today. I had to go out to 3B. 3B is a cardiac telemetry floor. It is way different than working in critical care. Critical care nurses have a difficult time adjusting to floor nursing because we think every one needs the same critical care assessment and observation no matter where we are. It is difficult to change the mindset! And some floor nurses don't understand just how quickly someone can go from talking to you, laughing and joking and mid-sentence stop talking and be coding. And yes, that does happen on the regular floors sometimes, but not often. And no, you can not see it coming most of the time. Also critical care nurses are used to "only" having up to 3 patients and the floor nurses have 6. I have heard it said (not today) many times over the years, "I want to work critical care because you only have 2 or 3 patients and sometimes only one." If they only understood!

There is a reason for the title tonight. And no, you will not find it in this or any other posting. Just know I am proud of where I am from! Ask me, I will tell you why, but not on facebook!
Revelation 1:8 “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.” (KJV)
I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Friday, November 4, 2011

A much better day!

I want to say thanks to all y'all for the love and support last night! I appreciate all the comments and suggestions! Today, she's acting like nothing is wrong. Typical! I'm sorry if I worried anyone! Sometimes I just have a slight meltdown. I'm OK!

I am enjoying the posts daily of thanks made by all y'all! Keep posting!

Today was a much better day! We took my car to the doctor, and "Dr. Steve" diagnosed it with a "busted coolant tank" and he will do surgery on it on Monday and replace the coolant tank! Sanders' Radiator Repair is a great place! My father-in-law started the business. Steve's dad bought it eventually. It has kept the Sanders name all these years. Rick worked there when his dad owned it. Thanks Wilson's!

Here is a quote from a "Sister's in Christ" inspirational 'thingy' that posts on my wall every day. I love what they have to say!
Not my will, but Yours, God, be done. I need less of me and more of You.~~Joselyn~~
I will end tonight with please remember each other in prayer.

I love all y'all!
To be continued.............

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Just when.....

Just when I think things are turning in the right direction life comes along and slaps me in the face. I try to help someone and all I get is grief and drama. And it is my own child. I don't know what I am suppose to do. Do I make her leave? How can I put out those babies? Where would they go and what would happen. How do you make a grown soon to be 26 year old listen to reason. I don't think it is too much to ask to keep her area clean. I really don't. If she spent 1/10 the energy cleaning up after herself and the babies that she puts into her drama, she'd have all kinds of free time. When she came back I told her no, my nerves can't handle it. She came anyway. I don't understand. I really don't. If anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate them!

To make matters worse, my car is acting up again! I don't know what to do there either! I guess it goes back to the radiator shop tomorrow!

I am 52 years old. I have raised my family. It is time for me to have a quiet life for however long I have left.....hopefully by family history at least 35 or 40 more years.....I just want peace! I don't want to step on toys and have to watch every step. I don't want to hear crying at all hours of the day/night every day! I don't want the phone to ring at all hours of the night. I don't want to come home and find every light on in the house. I want the trash taken out BEFORE the truck comes, not after! And if you cook, I want you to clean it up. If you do laundry, then do laundry. Don't leave it in the machines for me to remove! When I go to the fridge to get milk for my coffee, I actually want to find milk in there. Am I asking too much? I don't think so!

Sorry, I had to write this!

I love all y'all!
Even my kids!
To be continued..............

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Day 2

What a blessing this morning when I started reading all the facebook status updates with friends posting something they are thankful for. It warms my heart to read the sincerity in each post. Some people might think this is some kind of joke or poke fun at me for this, but I do believe if I was more humble and thankful every day for the gifts God has bestowed upon me, my life would be so much more fulfilling! You are free to believe what you wish! I chose to believe this way.And I chose to make a post of something I am thankful for each and every day until Thanksgiving Day. I hope you continue to join me! It makes me think!
Psalms 31:19
How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.



Little Miss Tobi Rose as a monkey for Halloween



My Bubba as a lion




And Miss Livvy as a cute little pumpkin

52 days until Christmas Day and 22 days until Thanksgiving Day! This year will be gone before you know it! There are only 21 days left until the second anniversary of the day Rick's tumor was discovered. I am feeling some anxiety and I believe that is why. Please remember me and my family in your prayers.

I love all y'all!
To be continued...................


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November first marks starting each day with what I am thankful for!

We started our journey today of acknowledging 'something we are thankful for'. I was blessed to read the status updates as they were being posted today. I feel blessed we live in a nation where we have the freedom to post how we feel -- whatever that feeling is! It warmed my heart to see how many of the status updates on this first day were regarding God or His great gift of salvation and family! Made me smile. And I could hear Rick with that half laugh, half clear his throat and slap that leg as I read each one. I do believe he smiled.

Scripture I read today seemed appropriate for this journey.
"And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him" (Colossians 3:15-17).
I ask that we continue to post something we are thankful for every day until Thanksgiving Day. I shall try! Several years ago I read a book about gratitude. It suggested keeping a gratitude journal and writing something down that the reader is thankful for each day for a year. I started it. Some days were struggles for reasons I won't get into here. But I managed to keep that journal for most of the year. Sometimes the same things were written down more than once (or several times). And that is OK! It was the effort that the author wanted. Some days when it seems the struggle is so hard, I am just thankful for another day of life. And that's OK!

Remember my family and me in your prayers. I will remember you. Please remember each other in prayer as well. I know speaking for myself, I need the prayers of those I love....

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Just what do you think this verse means!

Ephesians 2:8 "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:" (KJV)
Oh, on a Saturday night 42 years ago at a little place called Stockholm God gave me this most precious gift. I have mistreated it and yet He forgives me. I put my busy life ahead of Him often. Yet He forgives me. He made a promise to me December 24, 2008 just before midnight that he would give that same gift to my Tobi Rose if I live for Him. And He put challenges in front of me and I falter and He forgives me. What a wonderful, merciful God He is!

If I had not known Rick had received this great gift in May 2002, I don't know........

I love all y'all. If you haven't received this great gift for yourself, I beg you to seek after it before it is too late!

To be continued............

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Just what does "til death do us part" mean?

In this life we were given an amazing gift. The ability to love. There are many, many definitions of the word. It can be used as a noun or a verb. Two of the definitions are:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Then there is happiness which is described in the online dictionary as:
Good luck; Good fortune; prosperity. It is also described/defined as: an agreeable feeling or condition of the soul arising from the prosperity of any kind. There are many, many more definitions as with love. One difference is that happiness is found within. Another person can not make one happy. It is not possible. If I depend on someone else for my own happiness, then I am at their mercy. Seriously. If I depended on Rick for my happiness (and I did for years and was miserable) I would be at the mercy of his mood, his self-worth, his everything. And in our early years, I thought that I had to make him happy. He is the one who taught me that I had to find happiness within myself. And he had to do the same, then we could be happy together. We needed to have a common goal together to reach for. And a plan to reach that goal together. But we each had to take care of our own happiness. I don't know if this is understood or not.

Our first picture together married July 3, 1985


One of the last pictures we made together (late January 2010) -- ever! I miss him more than you can know unless you have been through this! The baby is my great nephew, Thomas.

I, Myra, take you Richard, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. And he said the same words to me.
I said those words, I meant them. We had some rough years together, but through it all we stood together. His last 8 years were the best years we had. I would not trade any of it for anything! I could tell you stories, some of which might cause your hair to curl. Sometimes you would wonder why I stayed with him. I loved him then, the first time I met him, and I loved him the last breath he took. I love him today I miss him more than anyone could ever know. I still hear him shuffle thorough the house. I still hear him say "Myra" from the kitchen because he couldn't find something he was looking for. I still dream about him. I still have his phone on so I can hear his voice. I may never turn it off. You might think that is silly. I am not ready to turn it off. That's all. If you are reading this and are confused by my writing, it makes perfect sense to me. And this is my blog about my feelings regarding the illness and death of my husband and my life before, during and after. You don't have to agree, or even understand. I do. My point to all this is: if you are in a relationship and you are unhappy, then YOU must do something about it. Divorce is easy. Staying and working on it is hard. AND the most worthwhile thing you will ever do! IF YOU WANT IT!!!! The grass looks greener on the other side, until you get over there, then you find it was really artificial turf all along. Then the fence is too high to get back over. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it and have regrets!