Sunday, July 25, 2010

I really do not like storms! ♡

This is a picture you may have already seen posted on facebook. It is the storm rolling in from the northwest one day this past week. There was a lot of wind in this storm. I really don't like storms at all. After this initial cloud rolled in with it's gusts around 60mph, it rained about 15 minutes. That is all it did. There was not much in the way of thunder and lightening. I am glad of that, I really am afraid of lightening.

Bandit (wearing the scarf) got a fur-cut the other day. He is so much happier with his short cut. He was so hot all the time. I only hope his coat grows back in heavy enough for the winter when it is time. Difficult to think about cold with it 91 degrees outside!

I got a new cookbook today. Stockholm Untied Baptist Church is celebrating 100 years this year. I grew up next door to that church, was saved there, and so were my kids. I am grateful to them for all the help they have been to me over the years and when I asked for my letter to move my membership to Miller Hill, they were so kind and gracious. If you are reading this and want a cookbook, you can message me on facebook and I will try to hook you up. They are $15.00 each, 3 ring binder type. There are some great recipes in there! If you like, you can purchase one from the Forks Grocery which is in the Stockholm community. You can also purchase a copy at

Creekside Garden and Nursery

I am not sure what the money is for, but I am sure they will put it to good use for updating the church, helping the community or something! Rick always enjoyed going to church there. It is where he told my Mom about his being saved. I had been a member there going on 40 years when I moved my letter. That is a difficult thing to say. Seems like a long time doesn't it!

I will close this post tonight by saying I love you all.

To be continued........

Saturday, July 24, 2010

No tears tonight ♡

Greg and Janice have been on vacation. They made it back home safe and sound today. I believe they had fun. She has pictures posted if any of you are her friends on facebook, you can see them.

Going to Nana's every Sunday morning has been a tradition that was started back in 1994 when we moved back up here from Tennessee. She fixes homemade biscuits, gravy, bacon, sausage and eggs. Sometimes we have ham. Sometimes we have taters. There is always jelly and sliced tomatoes. This time of year, the tomatoes are homegrown. Every now and then she will fix cocoa like we used to have when I was a kid. It is all sugar and it is so good. And it is easier to fix than chocolate (gravy). Now, everyone used to come to breakfast. Now, Bruce hardly ever comes. I guess it's OK though. Heather and little Jonas have started coming. Greg and Janice and sometimes Adam, Jeffrey and Ashley and Thomas come. My kids used to never miss, but now that they have grown up, they don't go as often. They may regret that decision some day. I regret not going to my grandparents as often as I could. But, that is water under the bridge now! If you are reading this and still have your grandparents, remember you won't have them forever. They are up in years most likely. They love you and want to spend time with you. You are their offspring. Grandchildren are so special We can spoil them and give them back while they are little. Right now, the sweetest sound is Tober in her baby southern drawl saying "Mammaw". She has a way of saying it and dragging it out a little. It is so very cute. She smiles and it lifts my spirits! Perry can do that too! He smiles if you just look at him. He is such a happy baby. He is pulling up and trying his best to walk. He is only 9 months old! Tober is 21 months old. She will soon be two and he will be one! She is loosing her "baby" looks and looks more like a little girl every day. He still looks like a baby!

We had airpack training at the fire department this morning. It was very informative. Nick did pretty good with his. He picked it up quickly. I am unsure of this certified firefighter goal I had. The firefighter survival class that is required has me pretty much thinking this is not for me. Toe Joe said today but what if it is just me and you at a fire? I said I guess we will have to get backup! I was thinking humm, I guess you'll be in trouble! Seriously, though, it has been just Toe Joe and me at wrecks several times. He takes care of traffic and I attend the hurt if there are any. I do go on some fire runs when I am home sometimes, just in case someone is hurt. So far, that has never happened and hopefully, it never will! We have a good department. We have new turnout gear, relatively new truck, first responder vehicle, brush truck and tanker. And a new building. Rick worked hard to help this department. He was so happy about the new equipment. He was working on his certification, he only lacked 30 hours. His number was retired when he died. There is a plaque in his honor at the department.

I remember back in the day when my cousin became an EMT. I thought she was so cool. We were nurses already, and she really wanted to get that certification. She went for it, got it and worked as both for a while. I don't know what ever happened to that. She may still maintain it. I will have to ask her. We went to nursing school together. She had a little beetle bug, that car would go for a bug. We were both CPR instructors, I became an instructor trainer at one time, and let that go when we moved to Massachusetts.

I am watching K-PAX. I like this movie. I can't remember how it ended, guess I will find out after while. Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey do an exceptional job in this movie as do Alfre Woodard and Conchata Ferrell. If you watch Two and a Half Men, you know who Conchata Ferrell is. She is Berta. That show makes me laugh out loud! Rick loved it. Charlie Sheen is a hoot.

Oh, one movie that completely threw me was The Sixth Sense! I won't spoil it here just in case you haven't seen it and want to, but I just did not see that coming! Rick loved that movie. He knew what was happening, but I didn't catch on until the end. Oh well, I am just slow!

Val has started blogging as well, there is a link to her blog on this page, "As I See It" is the name of it.

That is all for tonight. I love you all. If last nights post made anyone cry, I am sorry. I don't mean to do that. I just have very strong feelings.

To be continued...........

Friday, July 23, 2010

I will Remember When for both of us

So I heard this song today it made me cry. It has always made me cry even before Rick got sick. I think it is so very sweet. I know how it feels to feel everything he talks about in this song. Disassembled, rearranged, broke each others hearts....found the love again......I remember when. And I remember when he told me the Lord saved him out in his garden. I remember all the times I saw him feeling the spirit of the Lord. There was no doubt at all. He had a way, you just knew.

I remember when Dr. Bennyworth came in that ER room and kicked me in the chest with cleats. I remember when Dr. Hampf did it again. I remember when Dr. Smith and Dr. Magahan did it yet again. I remember when those hardworking hands finally got to rest. I would not trade the last 26 years with anyone. EVER. Not even March 6 or December 4 or December 1 or November 23 though I do wish it could have been a different outcome. I love you with all my heart and I miss you like it was yesterday.

For Rick

Remember When

Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

These babies are the light of my life right now. They are so very precious. Perry Dale is pulling up to everything, he just doesn't know how to get down! October is exploring everything! She looks in every drawer and door that she can open. She is beginning to potty train. She is still not dry all night yet, but she does go in the potty and thinks that is so special, she knows what to do with it when she is done! Hopefully this will go well! She will be 2 on October 14, so I think we are a bit early, but hey if she learns now....fewer diapers to help buy! Perry Dale is beginning to eat a little table food, he likes cereal, he likes finger foods, he has 4 teeth with more coming in! He will be one October 22!

I started playing words with friends on the iPhone. It is fun, but it is also stressful! Gotta make words out of letters you are given, kind of like scrabble, and I never understood that game at all! But this is pretty fun. All my players have been waiting all day for me to respond! I managed to make "words" out of everything I was given, but sometimes I just don't see the word.

Our friend who had the heart attack is doing well. Thanks for your prayers for him.

I received a friend request today and I have no idea who this person is. We have no mutual friends, I have no idea how this person found me to request the friendship. I had to say no, I looked at her friend list, didn't know any of them. Does that happen much?

I dreamed about Rick last night. I guess it was something Brent said yesterday that made me think about him more than usual. You know, it is hard not to think about him. I had a cousin who passed away a few years ago, actually his kids are my age, we grew up together. Lewis was always so quiet. Donna and Debbie might not agree with that though, he was a very good man and is missed by many! I know they will agree with that!! I spent a lot of time with them when I was a kid. The point of this story and I was side tracked was that I stopped in to see Jean a few weeks or months after he passed away, she said they were going to sell the place and move to town. I wondered about that then, but now I completely understand. She said "every time I go around a corner I see him, every time I try to go to sleep I miss him". I didn't really understand back then, but I do now! To sort of quote Data on Star Trek the Next Generation: "my mental pathways had grown used to his visual input" -- you just can not spend 365 days a year for 25 years together and not miss the person, unless of course you didn't care about them at all! I have no plans to sell my house at this time, this place was our dream home, a country home, he was saved by God's grace out in the garden, I can see the spot every time I go outside. I can't imagine anyone else living here! But, at the same time it is very hard to be in this house, to sleep here, and not think about him. Sometimes I can almost hear him call my name, which he did quite a lot! He was so spoiled even before he became ill.

He would be so proud of the new turnout gear the fire department received. He so loved that department. He worked hard for it every time we had a fundraiser. And he would volunteer me to make chili or whatever we needed for whatever we were doing. Sometimes, he would volunteer me and I would be working. I will continue to work towards getting certified, though that fire fighter survival course will be my downfall! There is no way I will be going down a ladder head first! Or feet first for that matter!!! I don't do ladders! Scare of heights. Besides, when I respond, it is as a first responder, not as a firefighter, at least not right now....we will see!

The other day I came across a little Bible that was given to me at school many, many years ago, this passage was marked. I learned it when I was eight years old. I love the Psalms, beautiful Songs of King David! Rick was reading the Psalms when he went to the hospital the last time. He loved the Psalms too. He also loved Proverbs. He loved the Lord more!

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.
The Psalms

The LORD Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters. Rev. 7.17
3 He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

I love you all.

To be continued.......

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just me

Well, I don't have any new pictures again. Today was eventful. October may have eaten something she shouldn't have again. Tractor tire blew out. NEVER ask what else! Good friends Brent and Kim are spending time in the hospital, Brent apparently had a heart attack. Please remember him in your prayers. He is a good man. He was a good friend to Rick (and me and our kids). Kim too! And their kids too, really. The whole family has been so special to us.

I have to work tomorrow. I just wish I could get this sleep thing down. I worry too much. I have a lot to worry about actually! You just don't know the half of it! People I have known just a few years to people I have known all my life have surprised me! That is all I am going to say about that. There are others who are true to what they believe in. I appreciate that! Some are so two-faced it isn't funny. But I should have known that. Been that way for years. You actually know who you are.

I forgive you. How about that. You can not help yourself.

Got some more phone calls the other day for vegetables. I tell them about Rick, they say I know but I thought you might have some. Then they talk for several minutes about why I don't have any vegetables, especially beans and tomatoes. Oh, well. They mean well. I would love to be able to help them. That was Ricks job though. He absolutely loved the garden and this heat would not have stopped him in the least. Unfortunately it would not have stopped me either! The only thing that would have helped me would have been if I had to work! He expected me out there too! And I would go, couldn't take this heat very well though. He could do it, easily. And he would drink coffee of all things! I'd bet the coffee market has noticed a difference. HaHa. Seriously, he would drink coffee all day long.

In one month, Miller Hill will call a new pastor. This saddens me. I know it is time for Brother Steve to go, but I have no idea who we will call. I wish things could be different, I really do. That whole family has meant so much to us for so long. Then you think, oh I won't get close like that with the next one. We will see.

Remember our little church.

Love you all.

To be continued..........

Friday, July 16, 2010

Long week!

I don't have any pictures to post tonight. It has been a few days since my last post. I am still not sleeping well. Dr. Phillips says it will take time. I hear that a lot! Perry Dale can almost stand alone, he will not be 9 months old for 6 more days. He pulls up to anything tall enough for him to hold to, gets out in the middle of the floor on his hands and feet and pushes and tries his best to stand and grunts and cries until he gives up. He will be running before we know it! He got stung by a bee today. He is too little for that! He cried and cried, but by the time I got home from work he was all smiles.

My Uncle Carl Sanders (yes, my uncle not Rick's) passed away, his funeral was today. I had to work. I went to the funeral home last night. He looked like he had not been as sick as he really had been. He had lost so much weight. He has had at least 2 strokes and has been bedridden for years. Aunt Pauline has been taking care of him at home since he was bedridden. She is not well herself. She has leukemia and sees an oncologist on a regular basis. Pauline is mom's sister in case you didn't know. And Uncle Carl was a Sanders and was a distant relative of Rick. I would have to think about it, but they were distantly related. They both had the Sanders Family History book and you could trace it back in that.

On a happier note, my Great Aunt Norma Lee is doing much better, she is off the ventilator and able to talk, prayers were answered! She still requires some type of dialysis. If you were at Rick's funeral, she and her daughters came in and stayed for the funeral then joined us afterward at the firehouse. I introduced her to several people. Her maiden name was Bird and she is related to Rick's niece and nephew, Andrea Stice and Jeremy Stice, their grandfather and my great grandmother (Norma Lee's mother) were 1st cousins I think.

I am still quite depressed, and still have mild anxiety attacks, I am able to control them when I work, sometimes, though I still start to cry at work for no reason, I just make a bee-line for the bathroom and cry it out, then I can go on with my day, but those episodes are much fewer than before. The sleep thing is still quite a problem. I am trying to deal with that. When I am off and feel those coming on, I just go in my room and try to rest. Dr. Phillips says it takes time, I think I already said that tonight! I still miss Rick like it was yesterday!

Thanks Beth for posting about the Psalm 56:3. I am posting through verse 7.

56Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. 2 Mine enemies [1] would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High. 3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. 4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. 5 Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil. 6 They gather themselves together, they hide themselves, they mark my steps, when they wait for my soul. 7 Shall they escape by iniquity? in thine anger cast down the people, O God.

I love the Songs of King David!!

Good night, I love you all.

To be continued................

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Just stuff, birthdays and such

Jonas and Ity Bitty Kitty

One tired baby girl

This sweet child was so very tired, she could not finish her supper. She plays so hard! She will look at my phone and knows how to push the button to open the phone, there she finds a picture of "papaw and baby". And that is what she will tell you if you ask her who it is. It is a picture of Rick and Tober at Nana's one Sunday morning. I still go there every Sunday that I am off. Our kids have about quit going. One day, they may regret that decision. This morning, Heather came with Jonas and Itty Bitty Kitty (his real name). He is a new baby kitten that they found. He is really tiny, maybe only a few weeks old, his eyes are open and he can eat soft food. It is hard to believe the picture of Rick was taken just four months before the tumor was discovered. He looks very healthy for a man with a terminal illness doesn't he!

Went to 2 birthday parties yesterday. One was for my great nephew, Thomas Ryan James born July 21, 2009 and the other was for Robbie Graham. I have no idea how old Robbie is!!!

They had Thomas' birthday party early because Jeffrey has to work every Saturday left in July, so have it early rather than late. I agree! Val went for a little bit and took both babies. Tober had a good time at Marie's. (Jeffrey's mother-in-law and a friend of mine from high school. She lost her husband to cancer about a year ago Gary really wanted to get to know Thomas.) It was the first time I have actually been to Marie's home. It is beautiful! I love country decorations, primitive country, and she has it decorated that way and a lot of her stuff is from her family. I love it, did I say that yet?

It is so very hard to go to places, birthday parties etc even church sometimes when I know that couples are there and I don't have that anymore. I know Rick probably would have stayed home and not gone to Thomas' party, but he would have gone to Robbie's with me. I guess that will get better with time. I go and try to have fun, but I feel like I am in the way I guess. I hope that feeling gets better too. I don't want to depress anyone. I want to move on, Rick told me not to feel like this, but I don't know how not to.

I know I need to move on! It has been 18 weeks since he went away. I am trying. Please bear with me. I will get there, he would want that. I love you all.....

To be continued...............

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

4 months today

Well, it has been 4 months tonight since Rick went away. I miss him as much tonight as I did in the beginning. I have had much anxiety today. I stayed home, stayed in my room mostly today because I didn't want to get out. I had meetings today that I should have gone in for. I couldn't go. I was afraid I would cry. I just don't know I pray and ask God to help me I want to have peace. That is all. I don't care that I cry, I just want some peace. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It does to me. I have had an anxious feeling all day. I took my medicine today. I still feel it. It has been a difficult weekend all the way around. Jenean lost her business, our anniversary, coming to terms with other things that have happened in my family. Nothing to do with mine and Rick's family. My head knows that I should accept the things I can not change which are many. My heart forgets though.

I am editing this at 11:36 pm tonight because I just read a post in another blog related to the following Bible passages. I am struggling right now with the "but what if He doesn't?" I wanted Rick to be healed. God had other plans.

From the Book of Daniel KJV

3:15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?

3:16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

3:17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

3:19 Then was Nebuchadnezzar full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated.

3:20 And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.

3:21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:22 Therefore because the king's commandment was urgent, and the furnace exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

3:26 Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

3:27 And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

So these 3 men faced the fiery furnace believing that God would deliver them, but even if He didn't, they were assured of a place in Heaven and they would not bow to the king. I need to get to the accepting part of the fact that I didn't get my way in Ricks illness. I love the Lord, my God with all my heart. I don't blame Him for taking Rick. I miss him every waking hour. I dream about him. But I don't blame God.

John has been posting this (Daniel 3:15) since he and Hilary found out that their new baby would most likely be born with spina bifida. I have been following Hilary's blog for some time now, and I find what they are posting helpful in my life as well. I also have another passage I have posted before:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My head knows all of this is true. I am working on my heart. I have never been down this road before. I never want to travel it again. It has been said God will not put more on us than we can bear. I believe I am there. Please remember us in your prayers.

I love you all.

To be continued....

Monday, July 5, 2010

Is it fate?

So today's post is a bit early, we used to listen to this album every evening after I got home from work when we first married. Rick bought the album for me -- one of the first things he ever bought for me. Can't believe I found it on here. Couldn't remember the name. We loved Willie Nelson's music! I still do actually.

There is so much that has happened over this weekend. A friend (step-cousin if you will) lost a good friend of hers, my cousin lost her business to fire, I do not want to ask what else can happen.

It is times like these that let you know without a doubt that there is someone else in control and we must always be ready. I have a great-aunt in the hospital in Louisville, she has to decide whether or not to go on dialysis, she is my grandmother's sister. When Mammaw was 13 years old, Aunt Norma Lee was born. She is the first of the "second 3 children" Ma and Pa Bird had the other two in the second set are Uncle Andrew who recently passed away after a stroke and Aunt Mary who lives in Munfordville. The first set was Aunt Nellie, Uncle Lennie and Mammaw. Mammaw had to have dialysis, she was on the machine when she had an abdominal aortic aneurysm to rupture, they took her straight to surgery, she made it through the surgery but passed away during the night. She never woke from the surgery. Aunt Norma Lee had an aneurysm and surgery too, as did my dad. Dr. Byrne says that makes it likely that one of my brothers or me could have one as well since they do occur in families. I know it is not me, at least not yet! My aorta is fine. Had a CAT scan looking for a kidney stone last year. Look out Greg, Bruce or Doug! And my Uncle Lelan is in the ICU at the Medical Center after a fall with broken ribs. He is high risk for developing pneumonia. My Uncle Carl is in CRSH a few doors up from where Rick was. He is not well at all. I pray for their comfort and that God will help us all to accept His will. I love you all.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4, 2010

We had church tonight. It is official Brother Steven is leaving us. Pastor election will be the third Saturday night in August I believe. I have no idea who we will call. I have been praying about it, but I do not have a strong lead towards anyone as yet. There was not a dry eye in the house tonight. He has helped me so many times in the relatively short time I have been a member there. I only moved my letter there a year and a half ago. I talked to him half way to Nashville back on November 23, 2009. He told me what I already knew. There is One above who controls all. He has a plan and we are not in control of it. We can pray, we can ask for our hearts desires but ultimately He has the say in what happens in our lives. Brother Steven (along with his wife, father- and mother-in-law) made the long drive to Baptist Hospital on December 1, 2009 and stayed with us during the surgery and after and waited with us (along with Sandy and Kathy) until the last visiting time of the night so I wouldn't have to drive home alone. There were many others who came and stayed during the surgery. Norma and Jimmy Spencer, Kathy Massey and Sandy Miller, Keith Saling and Bobby Joe Meredith, 3 of Rick's sisters Sue, Beverly and Teresa with their husbands, were all there with me and Nick (Becca was there too, with Nick). They were there along with many others during the hospital stay that started January 23 as well. There were a few nights when Rick was so bad, they would be there with us. That forms bonds with people that if you haven't been through anything like it you just can't imagine. You think you are close with some people, but until they have been through this sort of thing with you, you can't imagine what that means to a person.

This has been somewhat of a difficult time for me. As I have already posted, Saturday July 3 would have been our anniversary. It helped being with friends yesterday. The only thing is when you come home there is the realization of how things really are. I really hope no one I care about has to experience this, but I know that is an unreal wish. Life happens, death is part of life. We will all come to that hour at some point. What matters then is whether or not the person is ready for that hour. I am. I will have things to answer for when I meet Him. I am not alone in that, I am sure of that! It is like Keith said, the good part is that we know Rick had a hope of a Heavenly home after this life was over. Before 8 years ago, he would not have had that. How would one deal with that loss? To know your loved one was not going to be waiting in Heaven? What would you do? If you could know that you loved someone who did not have that hope and their time would be over is a certain time frame would you go to them and try to help them find their Heavenly Father? I have several friends and family members who have said they do not know the Lord. I pray for them. I have been to some of them and begged them to come to church. I know they saw the change in Rick's life over the past 8 years. I know some of them were at the funeral. They heard a message. A warning went out to them. Whether they choose to do something about it is up to them.

Facebook has been somewhat of a help to me since Rick's illness. You might not believe it, but there is one 'thing' that I have automatically posted however often they post it. That is the Bible Fan Page. I am a fan of the Bible. It is a book of instruction of how to live. We just have to read it and apply it to our life. Anyway, this "fan page" would post passages that seemed so very appropriate for what was going on with Rick and I would re-post the passages as my status! Tonight's post was:

Matthew 11:28-30 (King James Version)

28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest

29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Now, you may not understand how that particular passage helps me, but I do. My heart is heavy with sadness and longing for my husband. It tells me that there is One above who will help me if I just have the faith to turn my troubles over to Him. I am looking for that faith right now. I never want to forget Rick. I love him still, and always will even though he is not here. But, I need to be able to move on and function on a daily basis. This time off has helped me. Dr. Phillips' suggestions have helped me, but there is still a heaviness right in my heart. I know with time, it will get better but it will never be completely gone. You just don't spend that much time with someone and not have these feelings, if you loved that person anyway. I ask that when you pray, you ask the Lord to help me in this matter. I love you all.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Fireworks, friends, family

Well, today was eventful! Spent the morning getting car tires replaced, coming home and cooking to take food for the cookout and fireworks at Sandy and Jerry's tonight. I fixed BBQ ribs, lemon pie, pineapple pie, fudge-scotch squares, baked beans, potato salad and took a cooler of cokes. They had several salads, pies, cakes, hamburgers, hot dogs, brats, corn, bread, fixins for the burgers and dogs. WOW, so much food if anyone left hungry it was their own fault.

After dark set in good, we shot off some amazing fireworks. We had an audience from neighbors all around. October was afraid of the fireworks at first, she clung to Val, then about half way through she would say "pretty" but she still was clingy to mommy. Then just as they were finishing up, she said "pillow" meaning she wanted to go to bed. She asks to go to bed on occasion, most of the time though, she says she does not want to go to bed! PD was very afraid of the fireworks. He was clingy to Tonya. He fell asleep, the loud noise of some of them didn't phase him after he fell asleep.

Rick would have loved today, the weather was fairly nice, a little hotter though than they said it would be at first and we had a little rain shower! Where did that come from? I thought the last report I saw this morning was no rain for several days with increasing temps and humidity returning. Hum. Anyway, we had some good memories of 4th celebrations past. Rick was in the center of those memories. We looked at some pictures on Tonya's camera from 3 and 4 years ago. Rick was right there in the center of it all. Nick was right there tonight helping out. I am proud of him. He brought Brooke to meet everyone tonight. She has already met Sandy. I think she enjoyed herself.

I was sorry though about something else that was witnessed. I won't discuss it here but it saddened me. Those who were there know what it was. I wish things were different for this person. I feel bad for the parents of this person as well. I know this person was raised differently. It is sad to see.

I am grateful to God for all the friends and family he has placed in my life. They helped me get through a very difficult day today with few tears. I know God has a plan and I will know what that plan is when HE is ready to reveal it to me.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
(Revelation 21:4 KJV)

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters. Rev. 7.17
3 He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. (Psalm 23)

Have I said I love the Psalms? I love the Songs of King David! There is so much wisdom in the Psalms! Rick had just finished reading the Psalms when the tumor was diagnosed, that may be why I love them so.....

When the Lord is ready to reveal to us the reason for our loss, He will do just that. Right now I struggle to remember He is in control, He alone knows what is best for all of us. Rick always said he would be blessed to make it to 60. He has said that since I first knew him. I believe he knew the summer before because of all the things he did to "get ready" for something. He made plans to take care of me even after he was gone. Sometime I may post about all the things he did before the tumor was found. But for now, goodnight everyone, I love you all.

To be continued.......................

Friday, July 2, 2010

Fireworks on the Third of July!

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my granddaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.


So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

You know Rick really loved this song. We played it at the funeral home along with his (Rick's) video. This part I can see:

"But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace."

I can see Rick when he saw his Maker's face standing there slapping that leg, twisting that foot and making that half laugh, half clearing his throat sound he always made when he was feeling the spirit of the Lord. I love you Honey, I miss you so much. I wouldn't want you back here to suffer though. There was not anything anyone could do to fix you. We had to let you go home. We will all be together again some day. I love you. I wish I could tell you happy anniversary tomorrow. I wish we could go on with our plans. Tomorrow is the cookout at Jerry and Sandy's, I will take your sippy cup for old times sake! And there will be fireworks just like 25 years ago!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I have no pictures to post with this entry. This picture was from our campsite just after all the May rain! Paul and Gina and Sandy and Jerry's sites were under water at that time. This site was Dennis and Tonya's site (photo taken from our site). I was not smart enough to take my camera or use my phone for pictures of our trip. Nick and I spent the past 4 days with friends at Moutardier on Nolin Lake. And it is pronounced "Moodydeer." Save a few "accidents" the trip was great! The first day there Dennis and Tonya's air went out, that night Sandy and Jerry's air went out. Paul and Gina had a small leak when it rained Monday, and their water quit working. One of the jet skis quit working as well. Then, to top it off, Paul burned his hand while cooking. I recon everyone made it back home safe and sound.

Paul and Gina took their pontoon and took it out every day. They would swim and ride Dennis and Tonya's jet ski. I think everyone had fun and I think everyone was glad to come home. We had 'joint' meals -- we fixed breakfast and supper together every day. On Tuesday morning, we had biscuits and gravy, biscuits homemade and cooked on the grill. Wednesday morning we had french toast. Today, we had donuts, though the ones I got were horrible. Note to self, Wally World does not necessarily have good donuts! Pepperidge Farms does make a good cookie though, and those cookies are great with coffee! Rick loved our camping trips though they were always in the middle of garden season and he would have to leave at six am on Tuesday mornings and go sell vegetables, but he always made time for us to go up there to camp. He would cook fish one night, this was the first year that didn't happen. He loved to cook his catfish for anyone who wanted to have a fry. That was his specialty. Though, I had taught him to make biscuits and gravy. Now Gina Sandy and Tonya said they couldn't make biscuits, but if Rick could I believe I could teach them, just gotta get past the mental block "I can't do it." That may be the same for me and swimming.....hum.....I flunked swimming lessons twice in May 1985. I can float and swim -- like a rock! I took swimming lessons never got past the side of the pool. Now mind you, in 1985 I was a size nine pre-baby! They keep saying they can teach me, they just don't understand, I will drown! It's not that I don't trust them, hum, I do trust them, just not to keep me from drowning! Rick couldn't teach me either, I wouldn't let go! I smother when water gets close to my throat. Can't even get close to my face.

A big thanks to the weather man, too! After we got past the storms Monday afternoon and the humidity of Monday night, it cooled off nicely, the weather was great! It was cool enough at night for a campfire, though, I am afraid it might have caused Tonya to have a migraine! Sorry, Tonya.

On another note, I will have a few more days off, Rick's and my anniversary would have been on Saturday. The closer it gets, the more I cry. I have never done this widow thing before and never want to again either. That, and the fact that Rick was my soul mate may keep me from ever even thinking about going out again someday. He told me he wanted me to re-marry, that I was too young to stay alone. I told him if I couldn't have him, I didn't want anyone else.

I know I am not the only widow around, and certainly not the only one my age, but it is new to me. And I believe if some folks knew "how it feels" as my kids used to say, they might not be so quick to be judgmental. But then again I would never wish losing ones spouse on my worst enemy much less anyone else. I would wish no one ever has to know this pain again! The pain of divorce is bad enough, I believe, I have never experienced that either, but at least in divorce, the spouse is still alive. The pain of knowing you will never have a chance to talk to your husband in this life again is surreal! And every night when I go to bed, I am alone, and it is a constant reminder of his absence though he sometimes slept on the couch, at least he was in the next room. He snored so loud he didn't want to keep me awake. And when I go to church, I see him lying up there in that casket. You can not imagine how that feels. Had I realized that, I would have had his funeral at the funeral home. People tell me time helps, it will be 4 months on the sixth of this month. I am still waiting for the pain to ease. I have yet to turn off his cell phone, because I can call it and get his voice mail telling me God loves me and have a nice day......

But, I am finding when I tell God all my problems and leave them with Him, He fixes them for me. If I try to fix them, they get worse. All I have to do is tell Him. He is right where I last talked with Him, waiting for me to turn it over to Him again.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

I still know that God has plans for us all, and while I remain broken-hearted, I am not harmed! I still have a hope and a future and God is a big part of that!

The Gospel of Matthew teaches us to forgive those who try to harm us. "18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 18:22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

I forgive you! You know who you are and what you have done!

Good night dear ones. I love you all, and I hope you have peaceful sleep, and a wonderful day tomorrow!
To be continued...........