Even if

Two years ago today (24th) was the day we found out that there was a primary tumor (only site) that it was most likely a glioblastoma multiforme and that it was probably at least a stage III, maybe a IV but they wouldn't know until surgery. my heart sank from my days working at Baptist (I had been manager of the neuro ICU). They did find out that it was the only tumor which was good in one way, (only one tumor) but Dr. Hampf did say if the tumor was metastasis (from somewhere else) that it would have had a much better cure rate. If it was a stage IV, a year would be a long time IF chemo and radiation were an option. But we would know more after surgery. He would continue the high dose steroids Tuesday and maybe let me bring him home for the holiday and his birthday on Wednesday and come back the first week of December for the surgery. Dr. Hampf also tried to reassure me that there would have been no way to diagnose this tumor any sooner, in fact, he was amazed that I took him to the ER that day for the reasons I did. He said it is usually more symptomatic than it was before they are found.

I prayed almost non-stop for it to be a stage III or less, and this still, small voice kept telling me "trust Me" and I did trust Him, I had to be willing to accept whatever the plan was to be. That is where the scripture about the fourth man in the fire comes in. It had not been long at that time that Brian Minton owned his calling to preach at prayer meeting. One of the first things I remember him preaching was about this scripture. I refer you to the Book of Daniel, third chapter, all verses. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had to be willing to trust God to protect them and to have the faith to maintain their faith and that even if they did not survive the flame, there would be a better place and God had another plan. They went into that furnace eyes wide open with their faith and low and behold, He was there with them! And He protected them and the King Nebuchadnezzar who witnessed this great act of faith was changed. He believed in the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. God was with us. He told me "trust Me" many, many times, and I still hear Him whisper that to me. I try to trust Him. I know His plan is perfect. I know that I trust him even if it does not turn out the way I want it to. His plan is perfect. I, however, am human and weak. Sometimes I just want to know why He had to take him from us. I try not to question that, but sometimes it just comes out. He has helped me so many times over the years, and especially the last two. He made a way for me to be with Rick the whole time, He made a way for Rick to leave us just the way he did, He made a way for his loved ones to be there. He made a way.

Was this a test of my faith? I don't know. I do know that I have to work hard to maintain it sometimes. I think everyone has had to do that sometimes. I can't say I have to work any harder now than I did before the tumor was found. I do know, however, that I am not where I need to be in my faith. And I am working on that. Please bear with me.

And if I could have Rick back and in pain I would not do that. If I could have him back but he would suffer and struggle for his breath, I would not do it. If I could go back to October 1984 and know what I know now, I would still do it all again. I would. Thank you Chad Grote for those beautiful words at Jenn's funeral. I agree 200%!!

These next few weeks will be full of emotion from me, unless God sees fit to remove it from me. And I may write about it, and I may not. But know this, writing helps me deal with my feelings. I cried the whole time I wrote this tonight. I am not writing this to generate sympathy. I am writing this because his birthday would have been in 3 days and I miss him more than any of you could imagine. I come home to an empty house, sleep by myself, it is hard. I am trying to cope with it and right now it is hard.

Daniel 3:23-25
²³And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

²⁴Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

²⁵He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the search box Daniel 3 KJV and it will give you the entire scripture. I love that site!

I love all y'all!

To be continued.............