Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 ends........2012 begins

As we draw close to another year, I have been looking back, thinking on everything that has happened. There have been tears, smiles, laughter, new birth, very scary times, very good times, most spent with people who we love. There are some things I wish I could change and some things I would not change for anything. Thinking back farther, 2 years ago right now the future was so scary. We did not know how we would manage the journey. I can only hope Rick would be happy with a few of my choices. He said from the beginning of his part of that journey that how ever the Lord planned, he would be willing to accept it. He was ready either way. And he was. He faced it with everything he had. We try to move on, but sometimes it is difficult. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.

2011 has brought a third grandbaby to our house. Now, if 2012 would bring them to their own home.....I love them but it is time for them to be on their own. Mom and babies with Brandon somewhere else......

2011 has also brought Rick's son into our lives. We have not actually met yet, but soon. Schedule conflicts have kept us from meeting thus far. I do know he would be happy we have made contact. I look forward to introducing y'all to this part of the family soon as we get to know them!

Tonight if I am up to it, I am going to my friend's house for a while to celebrate the New Year, of course, I am supposed to work tomorrow so it wont be too late for me tonight. I am not sure how long I can even stay. I have been out of bed all day so far for the first time since Tuesday. I have managed to get a few bites of breakfast and a few bites of lunch down. That is more than I have had since I ate breakfast Tuesday morning. I think that is good!

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Please stay safe out on the roads tonight!
I love all y'all!
To be continued...........
  So Much To Thank Him For

When I look around and see,
the good things, He's done for me,
I know, I'm unworthy of them all.
But His blessings, He freely gives,
I owe my life to Him,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

I've got so much to thank Him for,
so much to praise Him for,
you see, He's been so good to me.
And when I think of all He's done,
and where He's brought me from,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

And each day, while I'm on my way,
I kneel, I just stop to say,
thank you. For all you've done for me.
And some day when I reach heaven's shore,
oh please let me kneel once more,
I've got so much to thank Him for.
repeat chorus

Friday, December 30, 2011

Feeling close to human again!

What a few days! I hate being sick! I finally feel somewhat better, still coughing too much to suit me, but hey, no chills, I don't think any fever, no wheezing.......still not much appetite, but that will get better with time. Still feel weak when I am up a lot, but that will improve too. I go back to work on Sunday morning. Hope I can remember it is 2012 then!

Spent the day watching Walton's reruns on GMC. I have enjoyed the shows. Takes me back. Val took the Christmas stuff down for me. Still gotta move a table around a little.

Well, I know this is short, but it is all I have for now. I hope you all have a Happy New Year!

I love all y'all!
To be continued................

Thursday, December 29, 2011

It has been eventful since my last post

I started having very hard chills right after my last post, had chills all night, could not get warm! So, I had Nick take me to the Dr yesterday. My fever was 102.2. The chills had stopped thankfully! They did a flu swab. I hope I never have to do one of those on anyone ever again! It hurt! It was also negative, which was good as I had taken the flu shot back in early November. I have pneumonia. I had breakfast Tuesday morning, toast last night and a bowl of soup beans and cornbread about an hour ago. I have no appetite. Which I am sure I have a bit of surplus to take care of me......I have been upright longer today than since I started getting sick. I do know I don't want this again!

I need to get my Christmas stuff put away. Just haven't felt too much like it. It is unusual for me to have my tree up on December 29. I hope to feel well enough to start taking it down tonight or tomorrow. I love Christmas, can't wait to get the tree up, but after it's over, I am in favor of taking the tree down until next year!

46 days until Valentines Day
101 days until Easter
361 days until Christmas Day

I love y'all!
To be continued................

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Santa visited

Santa was here 2 days ago. The excitement in Tobi's voice and Bubba too was so precious. Livvy is too little to care yet.

Christmas was OK, it is not the same anymore without Rick. Val Nick and Janna tried their best to make sure I had a "good Christmas". And it was but it is just not the same. And at work well meaning friends ask how Christmas was. It brings tears to my eyes which I don't want to do especially at work. I choke back that it was OK trying not to cry. Then I had to move my patient out and she moves to the room he died in. I couldn't do it. Luckily folks jumped in and moved her for me. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to that room again. It makes me too emotional.

Today, I had a low grade fever and my eyes hurt so bad, along with some pleuritic pain--it really hurts to take a deep breath. Nick picked me up early from work. I took Ibuprofen and went to bed. I just got up about an hour ago. I don't feel too bad except it still hurts to take a deep breath.

A friend since first grade lost her mom to cancer. Please remember that family in your prayers. Sally was a wonderful woman. She was a good Christian. I have many fond memories of growing up and spending the night over there. My first slumber party experiences were at her house.

I hope y'all had a "good" Christmas and that you have a very Happy New Year!
I love all y'all
To be continued...............

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Santa will visit in 2 days.......

Santa has been here already! I want to post a picture of the amazing gifts I have received so far, but for some reason they won't upload in a form you can I will just have to describe to you what they are and/or if you are a friend on Facebook, you can see for yourself. First, last night Valarie and the babies brought up 3 gifts and placed them under the tree. And living up to her heritage, she "made" me open one of them last night. It was a homemade primitive sign that says: "Gamma's House don't ask don't tell" with stars on it. It's cute! Next this morning my sister in law came over with a homemade cake (yum) and a blanket throw with pictures from over the past 25 years. It is beautiful. I am truly blessed to have the family and friends I have. I love all y'all!

Don't forget, as you give and receive your gifts from family and friends this holiday season, remember the reason we have this glorious season!

For various reasons, I didn't get Christmas cards out this year. I do want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I love all y'all!
To be continued...........

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas time is near.......

A few months ago we decided to have lunch after church on our third Sunday service. I went first, Redea took November and today Sandy had the dinner for December. January will be Tonya's turn.

Last night the preaching went to me (others owned up to it going to them today too, I actually stayed quiet though it did go to me. I am trying to get back to where I need to be, it is slow. I am making excuses. That got me today too.....) Today's service was wonderful. The dinner after went very well too. It has been an awesome day.

With all the excitement of the upcoming celebrations, let us not forget the meaning of the day.

Luke 2: 6-14

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

I work tomorrow, so this is all for tonight.

I love all y'all!

To be continued.............

Friday, December 16, 2011

It should not be so difficult!

Getting pictures from my iPhone should not be so difficult! It now takes about 6 steps to see the pictures from the phone after they go to the computer. Why can't it be as simple as it was prior to the latest "upgrade"? Before all I had to do was plug in the phone and viola! The pictures went to a file on the computer. Now, I have to open the start menu, go to my computer, click on external device, find the iPhone and click 3 more times. Then there are the pictures sooooo small! I don't see how this is improvement!

This photo was taken on October's first birthday. Rick took it. It was about 6 weeks before the tumor was found. It is my dad, me Val and Tobi -- a four generation family picture.

It is so difficult to even get the pictures to the blog! After I get them here, some of them are so bad I have to delete them and they are fine on the phone. Progress. Bah, Humbug!

On another note, the emails continue with Rick's son. We will meet him after Christmas. Between their schedule and mine, that is as soon as I can make it. We will meet. I don't know if it will be a big family dinner here with my family and Rick's or just Nick, Val and me with him and his wife/kids. We haven't worked that out yet. I do know Rick would have been so happy. As it turns out when we took Aurora (our friend from Massachusetts) to the convent at St. Catherines where she served as a nun, we were only about 6 miles or so from his home. Rick knew his family was in that area, and he and I went back the spring of 2009. We just didn't know who to ask for. I wish that could have been different. He wanted to know him. He wanted to know if he had grandchildren through him. And he did. We will do our best to make up for as much lost time as we can.

As you finish up your shopping, please continue to remember the Reason for the Season!

Nine days until Christmas Day, 8 days until Christmas Eve!

I love all y'all!
To be continued..............

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I really don't like dreams

This morning, I woke with one of those dreams that you hate to remember. I dreamed that someone I know had died, someone who shouldn't have. I remember seeing it happen, but don't know how it happened. Dreams are like that I guess. I remember "sleeping until 3" the day after it "happened" and I remember Nick coming in my room to make me get up. I remember looking outside. I heard car doors shutting. It was all of Rick's sisters coming over to visit. Then I woke up. I hate the feeling I get when I have those dreams!

I had a dentist appointment. When I got my teeth cleaned the other day, I had no cavities, (YAY) but I had a crown that the porcelain had come loose from the metal. Kevin had done the original crown, so he replaced it without further charge. I thought that was nice. I have so many crowns and they have been done in KY, Massachusetts, and TN so I wasn't sure who did it!

I put my Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving this year. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I used a new string of lights (150) clear bulbs are my favorite lights for my tree. The string lasted 2 weeks. The bulbs were black. I have been hunting for clear lights since. Today I gave up and put color lights on the tree. It looks OK, but I really miss my clear bulbs! I have 220 lights on it I think, 100 are standard mini lights, 120 are the new LED lights. They look like the mini bulbs but they are a bit different. I am not a fan! They have a "blue" hue while the standard bulbs have a "red-yellow" hue to them. One of the sets has a few pink lights in with the red, blue, green and yellow. Not a fan. :(

Next year, I will buy more clear lights! I guess I will get extra for backup! Can't take it! But it is only 10 days left until Christmas eve, 11 days until Christmas day. I will take the tree down the day after that, so.....I can live with it this year I guess! If you see clear lights anywhere, not LED, please let me know!

Then while I was taking off all the ornaments to remove the old lights and add new, that extreme weakness came over me again. Felt like I was going to pass out. Didn't of course, but sure felt like it. I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and there was a pale white ring around my mouth. I ate a meal bar and drank chocolate milk and felt better after a few minutes. That usually only happens when I have pancakes for breakfast. I didn't have those today!

Please remember the Reason for the Season! And remember those around you who have no one to check on them. Remember those who need your prayers.

"6 For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His Name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince Of Peace. 7 Of the increase of His government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his Kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with Judgment and with Justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this" (Isaiah 9:6-7).

I love all y'all!
To be continued............

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I understand why

Today I was sitting on my chair watching SVU sort of. Mostly just thinking. This is a difficult time of year for people who have lost loved ones. There is a distinct absence. It is just there. Tobi climbed up and sat on my lap. She loves my heart necklace. Rick got that for me Christmas 3 years ago. She always looks at it. Today she said: "can I wear your heart?" I told her no, I never take it off. Papaw gave it to me. She said: "I miss papaw." I told her I miss him too. She said: "sorry Gamma." Sweet, sweet baby girl. I know there is no way she can really remember him. She does know his pictures. She sees how much he loved her.

I understand why this time of year is so hard on people. I really do. Now, don't go getting worried about me. I am OK! Just sad.
Psalm 121:1-2 "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth."
Please continue to remember the reason for this glorious season. Had it not been for Him..........

I love all y'all.
To be continued............

Monday, December 5, 2011


All I can say is "yesterday was amazing!" Not only did it mark the second anniversary of our finding out that the tumor was a Stage IV (worst, and terminal); a first for me-- a new device to assist the heart was utilized yesterday and I got to be the first in CCU to have one......AND Rick's son from his first marriage found us through an accident! We knew about him, and even looked for him a few months before the tumor was found. Rick worried that his son would hate him. He worried that he wouldn't want to know him. He worried that he would never get to meet him and wondered if he had grandchildren through him. He knew his first wife's husband had adopted the baby at a very young age and raised him as his own. He was OK with that because above all else, he wanted his son to be loved and back then he thought he was too bad of a person to have contact with a baby--that he had no right to have a baby love him. That was from a different time in his life-- a time he regretted and wished he could make right. I digress yet again. A few weeks ago I received a friend request on Facebook. Usually I delete these if I don't know the person AND we have no common friends. For some reason I didn't this time. I left it there. I would go back to it and see if I could figure it out. I couldn't. And I rarely read my AOL email. I was having trouble sleeping Saturday night (early Sunday morning by this time) and decided to look at my email on my phone. That is the great thing about phones these days! Anyway. I was deleting emails from people I didn't know one after the other. Then I got to this one. From someone I don't know but there is that name again. Hummm. Do I have a stalker? No, not me! I passed it by deleting some more but not this one. Then that name haunted me. I opened it. It started by I don't know how to goes.....and he told me his story and how he found us. He said he would understand if I didn't want to have contact. I emailed him back. I told him about how we had looked for him a couple years ago but really didn't have a clue how. We were close but not close enough! I told him we would be happy to meet him. I called Val up and showed her and she is so excited to meet her older brother. She was still awake. I told Nick the next morning. We will meet him in the next few weeks. He doesn't live too far away. And Rick had grandsons. The youngest favors Tober. When I went back to that friend request on Facebook, it was him and I accepted it. Then I sent a message to Beverly and Teresa and they are friends with him too. He actually resembles Teresa's son. Small world sometimes. And the electronic age just keeps bringing people together.

He found us while browsing the Corvette Museum's website. A funeral home ad popped up, he clicked on it and found Rick's obit. I won't mention his name here unless he gives me permission to. They did find my blog as well and he and his wife read it. They have gotten to "know us" by the info on the blog. He is retired from firefighting and is still a volunteer fire fighter AND he gardens......

In the meantime, y'all keep remembering the reason for the upcoming season. 19 days until Santa comes, 20 days until the birthday of the One who makes all things possible!

I love all y'all!
Remember us in your prayers!
To be continued..................

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Two years ago

This blog entry is about my feelings today because it is the second anniversary of the surgery date. I am sad today. This entry is not intended to generate sympathy in any way, shape form or fashion. If you chose to read this, you may cry. I have. This is my blog about my feelings and my blog title is at a standstill right now. I am not moving on. I am remembering.

It does not seem like two years have passed but they have. In ways it seems like twenty two and in ways just yesterday. I still hear you walk around the house, I still smell your cologne, I still hear the TV remote fall to the floor. But it's not you, it is just a memory. Two years ago at the time I am writing this entry, I was getting to visit you for the first time after surgery. You were awake, smiling even. I had the picture of the grandbabies we made before surgery placed at your bedside. There were many, many people waiting to see you. Some of your sisters (Sue, Beverly and Roger, Teresa and Tom) were there, Nick was there, Brother Steven and Kim, Brother David and Betty, Keith, Bobbie Joe, Jimmy and Norma with Aidan, Kathy and Sandy.....all of us waiting to see you. And in the ICU were old friends of mine, one was taking care of you and he said everyone could see you for a few minutes a couple at a time--so we did. You wanted to talk to them, but he wanted you to rest.

After the last visit of the night, I came back home for the night. And those friends listed above stayed so I would not have to drive that distance alone. Dr. Hampf had said you had a glio so I looked it up because I couldn't remember everything I had known about it. I didn't like what I read. I prayed for it to be a stage III so at least treatment might give us another year or two.

You spent the rest of Tuesday in the ICU, all of Wednesday and that night in there and they let me stay with you that night. That was something they rarely did. I was grateful. You got to move out on Thursday. We took walks, but you were a little short of breath. Everything looked good though. You had no hair. I teased you about being bald.

Friday morning came. Dr. Hampf came in and sat down. He had difficulty coming out with the diagnosis. Then he said it. Stage IV. He said with chemo and radiation we might get a year. Without both therapies, 3 to 6 months would be a long time. He let us come home with all your records. Appointment after appointment would be made. The long journey was just beginning. You told him if you could not be cured you only wanted to be comfortable and no heroics. He said he would abide by your wishes. You made me promise that too. Your speech was good. We got all your stuff loaded and I brought you home. Over the next few weeks you thought you could do anything you wanted. Never mind that you had just had major brain surgery. I let you do what you wanted as long as I knew you were safe at it. The month of December is a blur. Near the end of December neighbors lost their daughter in a terrible accident just a few days from Christmas Eve. We went to the funeral home on December 23. Then we went to the Mexican restaurant to eat before church. On the way home from church, I got deathly ill (food poisoning verses stomach virus--just the thoughts of a burrito make me ill even now). I was blessed to get call on Christmas Day since I was still sick! We spent a short time together at my parents then you went on to your sisters. That is where you wanted to be. I was a bit selfish. I was so afraid it would be your last Christmas and I wanted you to spend it with me. I didn't say a word to you though. I let you go on over there and after presents at my parents house, I came on to Teresa's.

Your appointment with the Oncologist did not go as we had hoped. Radiation would start just before New Year's eve. There would be no Chemotherapy available because of other problems you had. The anemia would prevent you from receiving chemo. He said the Chemo would likely kill you before the cancer would. Dr. Smith said a couple more months even with radiation would be a long time. I am not sure to this day that you heard that. And I am glad you didn't because you had fight in you. If you'd heard that, you might not have.

Church services were special to you as long as you could get to them. And you testified. And I will never forget those. They are part of what keeps me going.

I love all y'all
To be continued................