Thursday, January 27, 2011

So I am asking for y'all to say a prayer again.....

So today at the OB appointment Valarie was told that baby Evelyn (I still want Olivia) has a Choroid plexus cyst. Now, this may well be nothing (which I believe) or it may mean that baby Evelyn has Down Syndrome. Some babies with Trisomy 18 (genetic condition that causes Down Syndrome) have one or more of these cysts; however, many other babies have these cysts and have nothing wrong AND there are many babies with Down Syndrome that have NONE of these cysts. I believe that will be the case with Evelyn. She didn't say anything about any other abnormalities like with her heart or with her hands or feet which are usually deformed with Down Syndrome. Valarie will undergo another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. I assume this is to look for other signs of Down Syndrome. If Evelyn has this condition, we will just deal with it. Many people with this are highly functioning and able to live independently. Some are not. We will not speculate that she has it until we know she does. And if she does, she will be loved. And if she does not, she will be loved.
You can Google Choroid plexus cyst if you would like more information.

Wikipedia says:

Choroid plexus cysts (CPCs) are cysts that occur within choroid plexus of the brain. The brain contains pockets or spaces called ventricles with a spongy layer of cells and blood vessels called the choroid plexus. This is in the middle of the fetal brain. The choroid plexus has the important function of producing a fluid called cerebrospinal fluid. The fluid produced by the cells of the choroid plexus fills the ventricles and then flows around the brain and the spinal cord to provide a cushion of fluid around these structures.

CPCs can form within this structure and come from fluid trapped within this spongy layer of cells, much like a soap bubble or a blister. CPCs are often called "soft signs" or fetal ultrasound "markers" because some studies have found a weak association between CPCs and fetal chromosome abnormalities.

It is believed that many adults have one or more tiny CPCs.[1] CPCs have no impact on an individual's health or development or learning. The fetal brain may create these cysts as a normal part of development. They are temporary and usually are gone by the 32nd week of pregnancy.

I would ask that you say a prayer for Valarie, Brandon and baby Evelyn. Please ask for calming and comfort for Valarie. She worries more than I do. She has cried over half of the day. Her nerves are shot.

That still, small voice that I know to be God still says "trust Me" and I do. I will trust in Him for as long as I have the ability to do so.

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I [am] God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

These verses give me peace. I love the Psalms. I love the Lord.

I love y'all.
To be continued...........

Monday, January 24, 2011


Today I was able to share without too many tears part of our journey with someone who is just beginning on a journey of her own. I was able to tell her about parts of our journey and how our journey started and how it affected us. She is not the one facing the actual cancer but it is a close relative of hers. I can tell how much her heart aches. And how similar parts of our journeys are....the effects of the steroids for one. The lack of sleep for another....I hope with all my heart that the radiation and chemo (her family member is a candidate) will give them much, much more precious time. One thing cancer does for you is makes you realize how very precious time with those we love is. When we are faced with the prospects of never ever having another second to spend with them, we wish with all our hearts that things would be different. We try to bargain with God for more time.....we get mad at God for "doing this to us" then we realize that He didn't "do this to us" is just something that happens. We just are not meant to understand it yet. Maybe it is meant to show us how strong we can be. Maybe it is meant to test our faith in Him. Will you still love Him as much if He takes the love of your life? Have you ever thought about that? How would you deal with the loss of your husband or wife or best friend or parent or child? Would you blame God? Would you still love Him? Would you still follow Him? When I lost my first baby, I questioned God, got mad at Him, and had so much guilt because of it. How could He take that child from me? It was so difficult. But a dear sweet co-worker at the time helped me figure out some things....the very things I am trying to portray here. These things happen to everyone. It is not that we have to deal with the grief but how we deal with it that matters.

Ours is not to ask why, really. As hard as that is, it is true. And I have asked and asked. Can't help it, I am human! But I get the same answer. I have told you before. That still, small voice I can hear in my heart (you can hear Him too if you but listen--not with a natural ear but the ear of your heart) that I know to be God says 'trust Me'. And I still do. And I will forever.

Please keep your friends, neighbors, family members in your prayers. Everyone needs the prayers of those they love. Everyone.

I love y'all.
To be continued...........

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Rick's last hours at home were one year ago today




Today marks the first anniversary of the last time Rick was here in our home. He went to the hospital around 5:30 pm I believe and never was well enough to return. This is a very, very emotional day for us. We will always love and miss him as will our friends and our family. This was his song, even before he got sick, but the last time he was at church he testified about this very thing and he was OK with whatever the Lord had in store for him. And while this man sings this song very well, no one will ever sing it like Noots. Noots sang it for him the night he passed away and at his funeral. We will never forget it!

We will never forget and always be grateful for our family, friends, and neighbors who were there for us all during his illness. We will never forget the response to our 911 call for help and how quickly that help arrived.

I love y'all.
To be continued........

Friday, January 21, 2011

Can't help but think........

Looking back over the past fourteen months, I have to wonder why did this have to happen to us. And then when I do that, that still small voice comes to me and says "trust Me" and I have to! I do trust Him with all my heart. It is when I am thinking about me that I wonder. Out of our 25 years together we went through some very rocky patches and some very wonderful times as well. There were times when I wondered what was I thinking and then there were times (more often than not) that I was so grateful that I had him in my life. One year ago tonight was the last time we went out to eat together. I felt so bad for him. We went to Cheddars, we had only discovered it about a month before he got sick. He ordered the baked spaghetti thing they have, thinking he would be able to eat it. He couldn't really eat it for some reason. They felt bad and thought it was the food, it wasn't. The waitress brought him something else, a chicken dish I think, and he couldn't eat that either. We went on home. Out at Warren East at the light at 68-80 a car ran the red light and he hit them. He was not injured. After all the hoop-la from that, we went home. He coughed a lot later that night, and I thought his breath was short, but he said he was fine. I had a sinking feeling, but he would hear nothing of it. I had to work on Friday, and went down to radiation medicine because he had a treatment that morning to tell them I was worried about him. They listened to me, but when he came in he told them he was fine. Little did we know that would be his last treatment.

On Saturday January 23 I heard him cough a lot during the early morning. He seemed to be sleeping which was a rare thing with the steroids. I let him sleep. After he woke, he was so very much weaker than he had been. He was coughing so bad and obviously short of breath. I convinced him to go see the doctor. The doctor thought like I did that he had pneumonia. And he probably did. He sent us home after a shot and a prescription for an antibiotic. Later that day after much pleading and using up a whole oxygen tank, I convinced him to go to the emergency room. That would be our last day at home together. At least we were able to spend it together. Had he not gone to the ER that night with his oxygen level being so very low, I do not believe he would have survived the night. I often wonder if I did the right thing. He suffered those last 6 weeks. We spent them together. Every day. And I miss him. Every day. And I wonder what if about so many things. What if we had noticed the forgetfulness sooner and what if he had the bone marrow test would it have pointed to cancer and would it have been in a stage that could be cured?

Brother Joe (one of the hospital chaplains) told me how strong I was. I told him I am weak. He just smiled and said he knew better. He was right there for us the whole journey, even on his days off. He is still there for us as are my co-workers and especially our friends and neighbors. Brother Britt (the other chaplain) told me "you took your vows to heart-- in sickness and in health 'til death us do part" stayed right with him and helped to do what was best 'til the very end.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares
the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future."

I do not believe for an instant that what happened to us was in any was meant to harm either of us. Rick had a better place to go. I will join him when my time comes. I do hope when that day does come, I can meet it with the same strength and faith he had.

And from the book of Daniel Chapter 1 through 3 about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and their amazing faith to trust God no matter what. It is a long passage and I won't post it here tonight (I have posted most of it in the past) but if you would like to read it, copy and paste the names here to your URL above and search and you can read about their amazing faith. I do trust God. I just wish I had a fraction of their faith! They had the faith to trust God enough to face the fiery furnace believing that God would protect them. And He did and what the King witnessed converted him as well. The journey we faced was difficult. And I don't know the why of it, but I do know my sweet Lord has a plan and His part of it for me will be revealed to me in His time. And though I am human and I forget to trust Him sometimes, He is still there ready and waiting to help me in the way He knows is best.

Much sickness and hardship in our land. Many of our friends and neighbors have critical illnesses in their homes and / or loss of loved ones in the past year as well. Lets all try to remember our neighbors friends and family in our prayers on a daily basis. Lets make a vow to pray every evening before we go to sleep and every morning when we wake and if we can't say anything else, lets say "thank you Lord for your blessings on me" and ask for Him to bestow blessings on those we love.

I love y'all.
To be continued.............

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Come on Spring!

So, I am looking forward to spring arriving! But there are many mixed feelings about it. March 6, which is technically still winter, though around here the weather has begun to warm and though we have had some of our most intense ice storms in March, most of the time spring has arrived. The "March Lillies" aka jonquils or daffodils have begun to bloom, crocus has bloomed, grape hyacinths have bloomed. The snowball bush has budded and begins to get heavy with pods. Forsythia has begun to show itself....all signs of the "life" yet to come. But March has dread with it as well for March 6 is the day we lost Rick. He would have his potatoes in the ground as early in March as he could. He loved his garden. One time, he went to the Amish and bought corn already sprouted in a tray and planted it just to "get" Norman. Rick, Bobbie Joe and Norman has an unspoken contest as to who could get the first tomato and the first corn. They would take their "firsts" to the others to show off. The year he got the corn, it was about 4 or 5 inches high and Norman came by on his 4 wheeler and went straight up to the store. He told Keith, "I said that Ricky done has corn this high" measuring for Keith with his hands. We laughed and laughed over that. Rick did fess up about it though. So maybe this year with the one year anniversary of Rick's death, maybe I can start to heal. If not, then bear with me (or don't I'm gonna do what is best for me). And maybe facing these things and remembering the good times will help!

Last winter and this one as well have been colder than most and more snow than most. I had forgotten how much snow we can have in a season! And they say we have global warming. I don't see it! I miss my 45 degree January days! Most of my life the winter is mild enough I don't have to drag out that stupid coat (sorry coat). I hate to be confined by a coat. I'd rather have a light jacket or sweater. Humm. Come on warmer temps! I am equally as sure when the heat comes in July and August we will be missing some cooler days as we have now! Last January and February, we had lots of snow. Rick was in the hospital and I was with him. Robbie and Connie took me home so I could shower and change more than once because of the snow! I don't know what we would have done without our friends!

This year spring will arrive Saturday, March 20, at approximately midnight is the official first day of spring for 2010 in the Northern Hemisphere (Vernal Equinox).
A little geography lesson:
In spring, the axis of the Earth is increasing its tilt toward the Sun and the length of daylight rapidly increases for the relevant hemisphere. The hemisphere begins to warm significantly causing new plant growth to "spring forth," giving the season its name. Snow, if a normal part of winter, begins to melt, and streams swell with runoff. Frosts, if a normal part of winter, become less severe. Temperate climates have no snow and rare frosts, the air and ground temperature increases more rapidly. Many flowering plants bloom this time of year, in a long succession sometimes beginning even if snow is still on the ground, continuing into early summer. In normally snowless areas "spring" may begin as early as February (Northern Hemisphere) heralded by the blooming of deciduous magnolias, cherries, and quince.
I hope y'all have a great rest of the week and a fabulous weekend coming up! Remember your friends and neighbors in your prayers. Please do pray. They sang a song tonight at prayer meeting about I Want My Lord to be Satisfied With Me and if I had to answer that as a question right now, I would have to say he would not be satisfied with me, but I know what I need to do to get to the point where He would be!

I could thank God every second of every minute of every hour of every day and still I would not have thanked Him enough for all His many blessings.

I will leave you with this tonight:
So Much To Thank Him For

When I look around and see,
the good things, He's done for me,
I know, I'm unworthy of them all.
But His blessings, He freely gives,
I owe my life to Him,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

I've got so much to thank Him for,
so much to praise Him for,
you see, He's been so good to me.
And when I think of all He's done,
and where He's brought me from,
I've got so much to thank Him for.

And each day, while I'm on my way,
I kneel, I just stop to say,
thank you. For all you've done for me.
And some day when I reach heaven's shore,
oh please let me kneel once more,
I've got so much to thank Him for.
repeat chorus
I love y'all!

To be continued..............

Monday, January 17, 2011


Today has not been an easy day for me. I haven't felt well all day, just so fatigued! I also have a strange heaviness of my chest and arms with a little shortness of breath. I also feel like I can feel my heart beating, not too fast, but I feel like I am aware of it beating which is a bit unusual. It feels regular though. My pulse is only in the mid 80's so that is fine. Also, I doze off sometimes and wake with a startle and think briefly that Rick should be home by now then I remember. I think all these things together make me believe this is all stress/anxiety related. So I treated myself with my Xanax. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning. And before you go getting all worried, I had these same symptoms back in July or so and actually went to Dr. Phillips who checked me over including a chest xray and EKG and everything was fine. He felt it was anxiety and gave me the Xanax. I took it for a while when I wasn't working and it seemed to help. I took one tonight. We will see! It seems the closer we get to January 23, the more frequently these symptoms occur. I called his phone today just to hear his voice. I may never turn off his phone. Is that bad? I don't think so.

When I try to talk to my kids about these things, I cry which makes them, especially Nick, uncomfortable. He tells me not to think about it. I see his point in a way, but I can't help it! He was my husband. How can you spend decades with someone and go through "life" with them and not think about them when they are gone? I just still miss him so much.

Remember this blog is for my feelings, and not to generate sympathy in any way. It is an outlet for me so these "not feeling well" episodes might go away!

Made some pretty good beef stew for supper. Rick would have liked it! Meat and taters! It was much better than Dinty Moore! We also had Sister Schubert rolls with it. I love those things! They are the "cat's meow!"

Please remember your friends and neighbors and all the people who have critically ill loved ones and the people who have lost family. They need your prayers. Prayer works.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeramiah 29:11

I love y'all.
To be continued..............

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Random pictures and thoughts

This is a picture of Tobi and Perry Dale from last fall. She is two and he is one in the picture.

This is a picture of me and my brother, Greg. There are 13 months between us. In this picture, I am about two and he is about one. Do you see any similarities? I did not like my brother any more than Tobi likes hers! My neighbor came to check on us the day they brought him home because he could hear me crying from a few hundred yards away!

This is a picture taken by my friend Tonya this winter of our church. It's "real" name is Pleasant Grove Missionary Baptist Church. Folks around here just call it "Miller Hill." And that is how you would find it if you stopped to ask directions. This was our weekend to have church and I had to work. I really don't like working weekends anyway, but when it interferes with church, then I really don't like it! But there is not much else I can do! Gotta work! I talked to Sandy this evening on the way home. I missed two really good services! :( for me, :) for them! And April said Fairview had 3 or 4 people get saved at their service today! And Ashley missed an ordination of her brother-in-law as deacon at her church today. I have many relatives burried at Fairview. My dad's family is all there. Many cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts......friends. Their services are the same weekend as ours.

And this is a picture of my mother-in-law whom I never knew. Rick's sister, Teresa is with her. She was speaking of this "white uniform" on Friday while we were waiting for Donna's test to be over. She said she really didn't like to wear it. I understand! That is all I could wear to work the first 3 or 4 years as a nurse. I remember when we first started to wear color scrubs. They were midnight blue. We thought we were so cool! CCU had their own color. Then a few years later I moved to Massachusetts and could wear any color scrubs I wanted to. The only rule was clean and neat with no obscene logo's! Some rules! I would have loved to have known Lorene. If she was as sweet as her sisters (and I have heard she was) I know I would have loved her! She passed away in the 1970's when Donna was fairly small from complications of an intracranial hemorrhage (if you remember, when we first discovered something was wrong with Rick I took him to the ER because of this history).

In less than a month it will be St. Valentines Day. Thought you might enjoy a short history lesson:

Saint Valentine's Day (commonly shortened to Valentine's Day) is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. The day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969 by Pope Paul VI, but its religious observance is still permitted. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Modern Valentine's Day symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards.
Please Wikipedia Easter for the references used. This is a copy and paste of a Wikipedia post!
And in about 3 months it will be Easter!

I leave you with this tonight!

John 3:16 (King James Version)

16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

I love y'all!
To be continued.............

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Easter is only 14 weeks away

The Resurrection

Luke 24

24Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. 2 And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre. 3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments: 5 And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? 6 He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee, 7 Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again. 8 And they remembered his words, 9 And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles. 11 And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not. 12 Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.

If you have been reading this blog, you know how much I love the Lord. I love when we celebrate the anniversary of his birth. I love when we celebrate the anniversary of his resurrection. I do not love, however, thinking about the days leading up to the resurrection. As we watched The Passion of the Christ made by Mel Gibson, I cringed with every sound of a whip, every sound of the hammer, almost every word in that film ran cold chills over me. I could hear and feel everything they did to him. I cried through the whole movie. It seemed so very real. How could those men do something like that to the One who came to save the world? But it was prophesied in earlier text that these things would come to pass. And they did. Oh, how He loved us so that He sent His only Son to walk among us, to die for us that we may have eternal life with Him in Heaven if we but ask, have faith and obey! Imagine being so willing to give up your child for the sins of others. What great love God had for us!

If you knew Rick very long, you knew he loved the Lord with all his heart and spent his last 8 years trying his best to be in service to the Lord. Rick had a way about him that you knew when the Spirit was dealing with him. He would slap the side of his leg and move his foot in a certain way and had a little throat clearing/laugh/cry sound he made and you would get a chill and feel it too. Out in his garden 9 years ago this May Rick was willing to lay down his life if God would save his soul. The burdens he had carried for so long were weighing him down and he said he felt he had no where else to go but to the Lord. (there is a song about that) And when he got so willing, all it took was to believe and follow the Lord which he did and he was a different man from that day forward until his last. I was in Atlanta at a convention of nurses during this time. I came home to a different man!

As the days draw near to the anniversary of his last day with us, I am getting more and more uneasy and find that I am having little panic attacks. I can control them with His help, I know I have to keep them from taking over. And I will and I will be just fine. This is part of life. And I have the witness that I will see him again some day when this life here is over.

I love y'all!

To be continued..........

Friday, January 14, 2011

Twenty five years ago today........

Twenty five years ago today this beautiful little girl came into our lives. She was so very precious. I don't know what happened to her! Just kidding Sissy! She joined us weighing in at 10 pounds 5 and 1/4 ounces. She was 22 inches long. She also arrived two and a half weeks late. She is rarely on time for anything. Haha! I don't know any more today about being a mom than I did back then. But, I do know there is nothing like the love of a child! Today, when Tobi says I love you too Gamma, it just melts my heart. She is so much like her mommy! Happy Birthday Valarie! Enjoy your life, enjoy your babies, get back into church, bring Brandon and bring those babies. They need to be hearing the word even at this young age. Keep up the good work on not smoking, you will soon have a week! I am proud of you.

This was Valarie at her Aunt Teresa's during Christmas 2008. It was a good day except it was her dad's next to last Christmas.

This is Valarie's birthday cake. Beth Miller makes the best cakes, they are beautiful and they taste good and they are very reasonably priced! I am so glad she is making cakes. We have bought cakes from her several times. Never had a bad one! Thanks Beth!

It is just nine days until the anniversary of the last day Rick was ever home. The closer it gets the more anxiety I feel. That probably has something to do with the increased heartburn I have lately.

Please remember those with serious illness and those who have lost loved ones in your prayers. Remember your friends and neighbors in your prayers as well. You never know what is going on behind the smiles.

I will leave you with this tonight:
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Prov 3:5-6
I love y'all.
To be continued............

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

First time in eleven years!

So eleven years ago I had surgery to fix my GERD (Gastro-esophageal reflux disease) aka heartburn! It is called a Nissen Fundoplication. I was on the most medication you could be on and still had reflux so bad my esophagus burned like I had swallowed fire every day. It did not matter what I ate or drank or how much Maalox I drank in addition to the very expensive acid reducing medication that I was so thankful that my insurance paid for the most of it. Couldn't sleep very well for the reflux, even in the recliner. Had reflux standing up, which is unusual. Before surgery, I had to have many tests including a barium swallow which allows the esophagus to be watched while you swallow chalky stuff that they can watch in real time. I watched too and it was so weird to see me swallow the stuff down and watch it come back up at the same time even when standing. The insurance company could not say no to the surgery. A lot of times, in fact the most common way to perform this procedure is laparoscopic. And Dr. Terry tried to do just that but because of my previous gall bladder surgery he was unable to do that. I had adhesions (like scar tissue in my stomach area) that prevented him from being able to go through the scope. It would have hurt a lot less that way.

This is a diagram of the procedure

After surgery, I wish I had said no. It was the most painful procedure I had ever had. (2 c-sections, gall bladder and a few cysts on a couple of joints is all) But after recovery I was very glad I had the procedure until I got food poisoning. I have not been able to throw up since the surgery. As bad as I hate to throw up, I really wanted to then. Got it again the day before Christmas eve 2009. Still can't throw up.

Rick stayed with me and took care of me the first two nights. But then he needed to go back home because of the kids. They were too little to stay a week by them selves. And we didn't want to impose on Nana.

And I had not experienced any heartburn in all this time until tonight! I am so hoping that this is from the chili I had for supper (and I have had chili many, many times since with nothing like this!) and not that the reflux is returning! I can not go through that again! Well, at least I don't want to go through that again! Keep your fingers crossed that some Prevacid OTC will take care of it!

I miss Rick. Eleven more days to that one year anniversary. I dreamed about him again last night.

I would ask you to remember my friend Betty Rae and her husband and their family. They lost their granddaughter yesterday to cancer. And my friend from first grade Maria found out very recently her mom has cancer. Chemo starts this week. Please, please remember them in your prayers. And also, please pray for a cure for that awful disease that painfully takes our loved ones from us.

I will leave you with this:

1 Corinthians 13

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

James 5:16

Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

I love y'all!

To be continued...............

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Another day............

So when I came home from work tonight, this beautiful little girl was ready to play! I had not really seen her in 2 days because she is usually asleep when I get home from work. She met me at the door and had to lay down in Gamma's bed. Of course, she only wanted to play. I let her play for about an hour, then Val put her to bed. She can climb out of the bed now.

This is Aunt Bonita with Rick. It was taken last year at her surprise birthday party. Rick worked hard along with some other good folks to pull off the surprise. They did a great job! They started planning long before we found the tumor. He stayed well long enough to be able to attend. It would be less than two weeks after that party that he would make his final trip to the hospital.

I would not take anything for this picture. He loved her so much!

Friday is Valarie's birthday. She will be 25 years old. I can not believe she could be that old! I ordered her a Tigger cake. Tigger is still her favorite!

I love you all.
To be continued..............

Monday, January 10, 2011

Ever get too tired to sleep?

That is how I feel right now! It was another busy day at work! I guess that is what work is for though - to be busy! That is what they pay me for! I do wish I had a magic wand that I could make everyone well. Friends of mine have seriously ill family members, saw their posts on facebook. I wish I could make them well for them, too! And I do it all over again tomorrow!

Ran into an old friend of Rick's today. He had not heard about Rick's illness or death. He remembered me and asked about Ricky. I told him he'd passed away. I could tell it made him very uncomfortable. He felt bad that he didn't know. I told him it was OK. And I didn't cry when I told him about it. I was proud of myself for that! I didn't intend to post anything tonight, so tired, but then I felt the need to write a little.

Been doing a little cooking lately. Made 2 chocolate pies and took to work the other day. Homemade crust and all, no mixes, one pie was gone before lunch! The other didn't make it to 3pm! They were pretty good. Then over the weekend I made fudge. It was pretty good too!

This picture below is of the home made chocolate fudge made the old fashioned way no marshmallow creme in this stuff. Sugar, cocoa powder, dash of salt, milk butter and vanilla.....cook and stir to soft ball stage then cool and beat until it looses its gloss, took forty five minutes or so to finish but it was worth every second!
And this picture is of about 100 of the 100's and 100's of blackbirds that were in my yard on Sunday! They flew in and wanted to eat all my bird seed! Nick shot the shotgun in the air about 3 times, scared them away, unfortunately to Chris and Megans' across the field, so he shot again and they went farther down their road towards 1749. Hope they went on to Butler Co.!
Tobi and Perry were so excited to see the birds! They don't understand that this type of bird can make you sick.

Histoplasmosis is caused by a fungus (Histoplasma capsulatum
) can be found in roosting areas of many birds including the blackbird. Another bird that carries that disease is the pigeon.

I can't say I have ever seen a case of Histoplasmosis, but I do know it can make you almost as sick as TB can. Serious illness! Take care and run off those birds......but keep them going away from us, not towards us!

I do have a couple of bird feeders, I like to feed the red birds and finches. Unfortunately, the blue jays and city birds are around too. They will all have to share!

Psalm 9
King James Version

1 I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvelous works.
2I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.

Psalm 25
King James Version

1 Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.

2O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.

3Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.

4Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths.

5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

6Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy loving kindnesses; for they have been ever of old.

7Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.

8Good and upright is the LORD: therefore will he teach sinners in the way.

I love the Psalms, did I say that yet? I love y'all! I hope everyone has a blessed week. Remember in prayer those who have illness in their families. Remember in prayer those you love. You don't know what they might be going through and don't show it. Remember in prayer your friends and neighbors. Remember who your neighbors are!

To be continued...........

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sleepless in WIngfield!

So I was just looking through pictures today. This is one of the only family portraits we ever had made, and I "won" the sitting fee. Valarie was about 15 months old when this was taken. About the same age as Perry Dale is right now. This was taken just before Rick moved to Massachusetts to work for GM in 1987. It was also taken about 3 and a half years before Nick had come along. I had just had the first miscarriage about 4 or 5 months prior to this picture and had finally come to terms with it.

This picture was taken over Easter the next year. It was at one of his sister's house. I think it was at Melinda's. We had been living in Massachusetts about a year at that time, at least he had. He went in March and I went in June/July. Can't remember exactly. I know I had my gall bladder out mid June and we moved when I had been out of the hospital only about 3 weeks or so. It was also the weekend that my high school class had our 10 year reunion. I was half way to MA the day of the dinner so I didn't get to go. I have been to the others though.
This picture was one he was so very proud of. Our daughter graduating from high school. She looks really enthused doesn't she! But look how proud her daddy was! She was 19 years old. I wonder if the tumor was there then? Look how tan he was already. It was just May. He had already finished one crop of cabbage by this point and had other things planted. Gardening was his pride as well!
This picture is from one of the last Sunday morning breakfasts he was able to be it was about a year or so ago. He actually looks pretty good in this picture.
And I have Tonya Lynn to thank for this wonderful picture of me! Look out Tonya, you are not out of the woods yet, I didn't know you took this shot! This is New Years Eve just before midnight. We were in Sandy's kitchen singing. (Not that I can sing, I have more James, Pierce, Bird, Brooks, Stice or something than Childress when it comes to singing!)

I am not the only one in this house not sleeping tonight. It is almost 1am and Tobi Rose is still wide awake and going strong! She has played with my cell phone, she can play angry birds, though she shoots the bird the wrong way most of the time. She also can play bejeweled a little, she can get about a thousand points, not bad for a two year old! I do wish she would go to sleep though.

Today was just one of those days when I really didn't want to do anything! And I didn't! I have off one more day, then back to work. I will have do at least do some laundry tomorrow!

I will leave you with this:

Psalms 25

1 Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in thee:
let me not be ashamed,
let not mine enemies triumph over me.
3 Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed:
let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.
4 Show me thy ways, O LORD;
teach me thy paths.
5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:
for thou art the God of my salvation;
on thee do I wait all the day.
6 Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy loving-kindnesses;
for they have been ever of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions:
according to thy mercy remember thou me
for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.

I love the beautiful Songs of King David! Rick was reading the Psalms when he went to the hospital the last time.

I love y'all!

To be continued.............

Saturday, January 8, 2011

January Memories!

January has lots of memories for me. Some are good, some are not so good. I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. I believe we are much stronger and able to handle much more than we think we can. Doesn't make our pain any less, just something we have to do.

Some of the good memories:
My Mamaw Childress' birthday was in January
My father in law's birthday was in January
Valarie Kristen Sanders made her debut into this world 2.5 weeks late on January 14, 1986. She weighed in at 10 pounds 5 and 1/4 ounces. She was 22 inches long.
Aunt Bonita's birthday is in January and is actually in just a few days! I must mail a card TOMORROW so she will get it in time! I have been lax lately in sending cards.
I met a lot of my friends in TN beginning in January 1991. I am sure there are others, just these stick out and are readily there......

Not so good memories:
Challenger exploded January 28, 1986. I was watching the launch while I was trying to feed Valarie who was 2 weeks old. It wasn't going so well. The poor child was hungry. I gave up and was feeding her her first formula and had the TV on channel 4. I was watching the launch as I had done many times before, I love space travel! Anyway, I saw the explosion as did 100's of other people watching. And like them, I had not a clue at first what was going on. That is something I will never forget.

But my worst January memory is of January 23, 2010. That was the last time Rick was ever in our home. He was struggling for every breath and I made him go to the ER. He never came home again. He didn't want to go. He only did it because I wanted him to. If I could do it over, I think I would have done it the same way, except I might have made him go sooner in the day, not that there could have been a different outcome by going earlier. But even that day had good points to it. All it took was one phone call to 911 and within seconds help was arriving. I am serious. First responders were here so quickly. As soon as the page went out WVFD rallied around their own. The community really came together for us. And stayed with us through out the whole ordeal and after. We have wonderful neighbors!

Is seems that as we get closer to January 23, I am having more frequent dreams of Rick. I dream about him several times a week and not about the illness. I have had garden dreams and fishing dreams. I really didn't like fishing, but when he went, it involved all 4 of us until we got him ready. I am also finding I am having restless periods where I can not get comfortable along with anxiety. I am crying more frequently than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat right now. I don't know if it is the fact we are approaching that anniversary or the cloudy rainy snowy weather or both. It is hard to go to sleep, then it is hard to wake up when it is time.

I suppose it is all still a part of grieving and one day it will be better.

I ran into Rick's cousin, Beth today when I went into Sam's Club for a case of diapers. She had already been in there and had to go back in for a couple of things she forgot. I also had lunch there. Did you know you can get a great lunch for under $2.00 at Sam's? Well, first you gotta love hot dogs. But let me tell you, every time Rick and I went to Sam's we had lunch there, we had a hot dog and coke. It is really under two dollars! And it is good! Anyway, it was good to see Beth today. She has been there for us too during and after Rick's illness even though there was quite an age difference. She is really young enough to be a daughter instead of a cousin. Her dad and Rick grew up together, Rick was a little older than her dad, but they are first cousins. Their moms were sisters. His whole family has been there for each other during and after his illness and death. And they treat me still like part of their family. I married into good people!

Psalm 18
1 I will love thee, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;

my God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised:

so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

I love you all.

To be continued.........

Remember, this blog is not meant to generate sympathy, it is simply a tool to help me through my grief for as long as I need it -- even if no one ever reads it except me!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Welcome 2011

So this morning I woke up with a "startle" it was way too light for where I needed to be.....checked the clock and it was 7:15 am. Should have been at work 15 minutes ago. Oh, DEAR!! I phoned into work, told Pam what was going on, and that I would be there ASAP! I was there by 8am thanks to Nicholas. April gave report to a resource nurse so she didn't have to stay. So my 2011 work year started with a bang so to speak. I really didn't get too flustered though. I just got there, got report from Larry and went on about my day. It was a pretty good day all in all. A few people teased me for being late. Hey, only the third time in 32 years and the second was just a couple months ago. The first time was way back in the eighties, I guess I had traded a day with someone and didn't remember. I was about an hour late because I was on my way to the lake when they called me to see where I was. This morning no one had called ~ I beat them to it I guess. I am always there by 7am, I don't know where they thought I was. I have tried to "fix" my cell alarm several times today, it acts like it will work but then when the time comes, it doesn't alarm. I have no clue what is wrong with it. I had to go back to the old fashioned alarm clock for tomorrow. I am a bit gun shy about it though!

It looked so warm outside today, but I understand it was pretty cool! I think it is supposed to be warmer tomorrow. I wish I could just stay home all the time. I really would love it! Anyway. I need to be asleep, I wish I was sleepy! Guess it was the extra sleep this morning, LOL!

I missed breakfast at Nana's this morning. I really wish I didn't have to work weekends. I didn't get to go to church tonight either. Don't get home in time to go to the night services, and of course miss the day service when I work weekends. Every time we have a 5th weekend it changes the weekend off/on cycle. With church being on the 1st and 3rd weekend right now I work, but guess what, there is a 5th weekend this month so in February I get to go back, that is until there is another 5th weekend.

I need to be thinking about taking my vacation time for the year. If I don't request early, I might not get what I would like off, so I must request soon! Maybe I can do that tomorrow! I would like to be off April 21 through 28, my brother who lives in Ohio and his family will likely be home during that time. I would like to be able to spend a little time with them. Seems like I work nearly every day they are here every time they come "home". I also am wondering about the rest of the year, it will be my July 4th to work this year. Don't know right now if I will be working the weekend before or not, July 3rd would have been Rick and my anniversary. It would have been 26 years this year. I hope I am off that weekend. I may have to request it off if I have to work, don't know if I can work that day or not. I am doing OK I think, I still cry easily, I don't know what is normal and I don't know if there even is a normal for this.

Just 21 days............

In 12 days our firstborn will turn 25 years old. Hummm. I am old. Happy Birthday Punkin Head!

To be continued..........

I love y'all!

I love the Psalms!

Psalm 57
5 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Thy glory be above all the earth.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Goodbye 2010

Well, another year has passed. As I look back on 2010, I have many bitter-sweet memories. It was a year filled with firsts for me. Really don't want any do-overs of some of them either! Still, there is not a day goes by that I don't think about Rick. Last night I had the pleasure of spending New Years Eve with good friends. We brought in the new year in true Miller style! Lots of food, fun, songs, stories! Lots of looking back, laughter, remembering funny things about Rick like the 2 liter coke incident -- it happened twice last night before I got there. And most all the folks attending were present when Rick dropped the 2 liter coke and had flashbacks. They were still laughing about it when I finally got there. The picture above and to the left is Ray and Kathy Massey and their granddaughter Faith.

2011 got off to a decent start today I think. Got to sleep late today, which was good since it was after 3 am before I finally got to sleep. I hope tonight goes better since I have to work tomorrow! Nick and I rode into town this afternoon. I cannot believe gas is still over $3.00 a gallon. That is just ridiculous! Someone should really do something about that. I have no idea what but is seems to me some politician somewhere could make the gas people fix this problem. Enough of that.

Don't worry; be happy! It's just sparkling grape juice! :)

So, I have to work tomorrow. I hope that all of you have a great 2011!

I love y'all!

To be continued...................

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.