Thursday, September 30, 2010

September is finally over!

Well it will be over in 3.5 more hours anyway. September has good points, Nick's birthday for one. But it also has bad memories as well. Five years ago this month one of Nick's best friends was killed less than one mile from here, and just across the road from his home. This year, this same young man's great grandmother had a serious stroke and is currently in a nursing home. And just a few days ago this same young man's great uncle passed away. All of these folks are neighbors within a mile of my home. Until 5 years ago September was one of my favorite months. I love fall, and I love the cool nights and warm days of the end of September. I noticed in the next few days it may get down into the 30's. We may need heat soon! In just a month, we will change time again and the poor night shift folks will be there 13 hours! I wish the powers that be would just leave time alone!

Tonight when I got home I was met at the car with little arms reaching up going "Mammawwww" in her soft southern drawl. Hearing that just warms my heart! She was looking for the moon which hasn't risen yet I think, and saying it was "hiding" behind the clouds. Of course, her mommy was out there with her. Then she saw Bandit. He will not let her touch him. I don't know why, but he has never had anything to do with her and Tober loves him so much! I think he was jealous of her with Rick. Bandit was Rick's dog. Rick shared everything he was eating with Bandit. He still looks around for him. The fall decorations were looking good when I pulled in too. I love this time of year. Wait, I think I just said that.

I am watching Everafter. This is an excellent movie. I liked it the first time I saw it. And I can watch it every time it comes on. I bought the movie as well, so I can watch it anytime I guess!

I think this is all for tonight. Here is hoping y'all have a great night! Love y'all!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Welcome fall!

It is officially fall. Fall means decorating, hot spiced cider, apple pies, cooler temperatures, babies birthdays, and WVFD Haunted House and Hay Ride! I love the fall. This year, fall will bring many memories. It is just 2 under months from the one year date of finding Rick's tumor. It is hard to believe almost a year has passed!

So every year we worked at the WVFD haunted house and hayride. Rick drove a tractor and I rode the wagon to make sure everyone stayed safe. This is the first year in many that I won't be participating. I think Nick is going to help scare the folks who go through. I am working at the hospital almost every Friday in October. Last year it rained or tried to rain EVERY Friday night in October. I hope they have better luck this year! It is always a lot of fun to go through the haunted house. The firefighters do an excellent job with it. Last year we were told we were better than Skeletons Lair in BG. They have been around for years!

Every year I made a pot of chili each weekend for the haunted house. Never brought any of it back home. The fire department always made good money on the haunted house. I hope they do well this year. It is so hard to go to things that we used to do together.

Today Nick helped me put up the shock and straw. Rick and Nick always did that before. Little did we know last year would be Rick's last. This is the first time ever that I had to buy my fodder! I may plant corn next year just to have some fodder! Maybe?!? We shall see. I still have a little to do with decorating, but it is coming together nicely.

So, I think this is all for today. I love you all.

To be continued................

Sunday, September 26, 2010

♥My son is now 20 years old!

Twenty years ago today Nicholas Ryan Sanders made his debut weighing in at 8 pounds even and 2.5 weeks early! Look at him today, could you ever imagine he once weighed only 8 pounds? He did, and he was my "little baby" his sister weighed 10 pounds 5 1/4 ounces!

I love you Bubby!

Over the years Nick has been all boy! Many days he would get hurt or wreck a bike or four wheeler or put his hand down on a stinging worm or something. He would try to get his sister in trouble, even before he could talk. And they are both jealous of each other. No lie, they are! One day, I believe it was in the first house, they were so quiet. I was cooking supper, I heard thump, thump, thump! I ran to see what it was. Val had put his baseball batting helmet on him, put him in his little tykes toy box (minus the toys) and shoved him down the basement steps! I made it just in time to see him hit the bottom landing, be moved forward into the wall with his head and sit back down in the toy box and want to go again! Good thing she put that helmet on him! Of course I said NO!! Don't remember if I grounded them or not. She also had him convinced if he got off the couch in the basement alligators would eat him. He believed her!

My kids are just like everyone else's kids! All parents love their kids! I made mine mind me. I spanked them when they needed it. I spoiled them something terrible. I think mom's do that! I know I did. I also know I felt so very blessed to have them both. Nick is no more my favorite than his sister, but I lost 4 babies between them. No trouble carrying either of them, just the 4 I lost. But those losses were very difficult in their own way each time.

The first loss was in November 1986, Val was just 11 months old. I remember how I cried when I got the positive result. I wanted a second baby so very badly but I wanted her to be a bit older first. I accepted it and moved on. Just a couple weeks later I contracted a stomach virus. I was sent to ER and then home from work. Just 6 hours later, I began to miscarry. I was devastated by that too! Oh, the guilt I felt. I thought God was punishing me for being upset that that baby was on the way! Her name would have been Amanda Renee. I just knew it was another girl. Actually it was so very early (7 weeks by the blood test) that there was no way to know yet but I just "felt it". I was given a book by a good friend to help me deal with that loss. The name of the book was "Empty Arms" don't remember the author. That book and another good friend helped me be able to accept what was and move on AND not blame God. We went through that 3 more times before Nick came along, each time before 8 weeks passed. Later on I was able to share that book with a dear relative who suffered the same loss, I think she was a bit further along. I hope it helped her as much as it did me. Well meaning friends who were at a loss for words would say things like "it just wasn't meant to be" and "it's for the best" and other little phrases trying their best to help. In my opinion at times like that words are not necessary. Hugs and "I love you" are enough! But I do and did appreciate the thoughts and love shown. Please don't misunderstand!

I think I will end this installment now. I will ask you all to love each other, pray, call a friend you haven't heard from in a while just to say hi, give God the praise and thanks due Him, live you life, love your family and your enemies. Make your enemies your friend.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Love you all......

Friday, September 24, 2010

Twenty years ago today! Remember When!

Twenty years ago today I was in the first and only real accident I was ever part of. It was about 6:30 pm eastern time, I was on route 30 trying to pull out onto route 9 between Marlboro and Worcester Massachusetts. I lived in Marlboro and worked in Worcester at Univ Mass Med Ctr in CCU. It was my last shift to work there ever, I was only about 2.5 weeks from my due date of October 9 (John Lennon's birthday). I was just sitting there at a stop sign minding my own business waiting in a break in the traffic long enough to pull out when all of a sudden WHAM and I'm moving into the line of traffic! I thought quickly enough to turn the wheel to keep me on the shoulder of the road and out of the oncoming traffic. Route 9 runs east/west in MA pretty much the entire state and into NY state. I was trying to go west. To my right was a restaurant and across the 4 lanes was a McDonalds. Route 9 is like 31 W in many ways except the majority of it is 4 lanes and traffic moves fast like on the interstate and during rush hour it is difficult to navigate. I rarely went that way. That night, I had to go to Jack and Aurora's before work to check on them. They were like substitute grandparents to Valarie while we lived there. Anyway, so after I got stopped, I turned around and the man driving the little truck who had just hit me was sitting in his drivers seat looking angrily at me. I shook my finger (index one, ok?!) at him and said "that will be enough out of you!!" I got out and checked my car, back drivers side bumper had a softball size dent (that later actually totaled the car, bent frame somehow) and when he saw I was near term he freaked out! I thought he was going to leave the scene.

I told him to get out of his truck and give me his keys and go call for help. There were no cell phones around in 1990 like now. He said "how do you expect me to do that if I can't drive?" I said take your pick -- restaurant there or McDonalds over there. You are not getting your keys! WALK!! He did but he fussed! I said man, I am about to have this baby soon, I can't go. You hit me you go. So, in just a few minutes the local town cop came. I can't remember the name of the town. He was very nice. He said "you are going to the hospital" I said yes, I am, but I am waiting for my husband. He said no, you are not. The ambulance will be here in a minute. Ambulance, what ambulance? Who called an ambulance? I did, said the cop! OK, I'll go.

Mind you now I have been out of the car at least 5 or 10 minutes by now. Ambulance arrives. YAY right? NOT! Paramedics ask me questions like what happened, I got hit and were you driving, well yes and like did you hit your head? Like a dummy I said you know, I remember during the impact my head went all over the front and struck the side window briefly. WRONG ANSWER TO A PARAMEDIC!! Out comes the stretcher with a spine board on it. I said let me wait for Rick. NO! You can't you are a nurse you know better! Uggh!!! I had been walking around. I am fine. We gotta make sure! So I laid on the spine board. That is not good enough. Rigid neck collar aka then as a Philadelphia collar. Flat on my back remember 37.5 weeks pregnant! and they taped my head with sandbags on either side!!! UGGHHH!!!
Not a good day to have worn a scrub dress and TED's! (support stockings)

Trip to ER at Memorial Hospital. Can't go to St. Vincents where my Dr. is, gotta stop at Memorial just in case the baby is compromised. I shoulda stayed in bed! Get in ER. Nurse comes in asks questions, sees scrubs asks more! Dr. comes in! It's Louis (a resident who had just completed his rotation in my unit who is moonlighting in the ER at Memorial this night). I said Louis help me! Let me out! He laughed at me and said after we clear your C-spine and check your baby upstairs you can go......

C-spine ok of course. Rick comes in as they are clearing that. He is calm and smiling as usual. We go upstairs and get hooked up to the monitors in Labor and Delivery. After a couple of hours they call my Dr. and she couldn't leave St Vincents. Memorial dismissed me to go over to see my Dr. She kept me overnight for monitoring, drew some blood and let me go in the morning. About midnight Rick went home to sleep. I sent him there! Val was with my mom and dad in KY because we were getting ready to move as soon as we could after Nick was born because Rick was due to begin at Saturn October 16. I had a little difficulty sleeping, I kept reliving the wreck and the oncoming cars.....

So Dr. Kraft let me go home in the morning. She said take it easy and come see her on Friday. She would call me if there were any problems. Rick went on to work. About 6 pm Dr. Kraft called me. She said because of some blood test they could tell there was a placenta abruption. That meant the placenta had torn probably with the forces of the impact pushing me forward and the forces of the seat belt pulling me back into the seat. It didn't appear to be too big, and the baby was fine but she did not want even one contraction, so be at the hospital at 6am the next morning and if I felt even a twinge to get right back there overnight.

I used to tease Rick something awful because on the way to the hospital we stopped at Dennys and he had a grand slam breakfast and lots of coffee in front of me. I was NPO for a c-section that morning. (Non med folks, nothing by mouth). I really was not upset with him I suggested we stop for him. He always knew I was just teasing and not really mad about it, but I think he didn't remember that it was my suggestion.

Then about 1:30 our time there Nicholas Ryan Sanders weighed in at 8 pounds even and was 19.5 inches long. Rick was there with me. I had an epidural and we both got to witness his debut and hear his first cry. The previous c section for Val had been an emergency and I had to be put to sleep so neither of us got to see or hear. I have always missed that!

That same day and about the same time we later learned of the loss of a former neighbor from the Stockholm community where I grew up. Myrtle Meredith had passed away.

Just like the song, "old ones die and new are born" it happened that day....I will remember when....I love you all.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I don't know what to do......

Today has been very emotionally draining to say the least. I don't know what people expect from me. Enough said.

Tomorrow is another work day, sort of. We have unit based competencies again tomorrow. I just wonder how many will be there. I hope everyone who hasn't been yet comes tomorrow and then we could cancel the last one! That would be grand! I am tired. Worked Monday, competencies Tuesday, worked again Wednesday, off today, would rather have worked! Competencies again tomorrow (as I already said) then work the weekend! Whew. I am too old for this!

I think this is all for tonight. I think I will go cry now. Maybe I am just tired......

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Before you judge me, walk a mile or two in my shoes.

I was reminded yesterday at work and again tonight, just about a half hour ago about prejudice.
Webster's on-line dictionary has the following to say about it.


noun \ˈpre-jə-dəs\

Definition of PREJUDICE

: injury or damage resulting from some judgment or action of another in disregard of one's rights; especially : detriment to one's legal rights or claims
a (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge b : an instance of such judgment or opinion c : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics

Now I will tell you what I think about it. It hurts people. It hurt me yesterday and it hurt a family member tonight. All that ugly word does is breed hatred.

Before you judge someone because of their size or how they talk or color or hair color or what they wear or what you think they have done stop and think. You don't know what their life has been. You have no clue the things they have had to face in their life.

A little of what I have been through in my life. Some of this no one has ever known before. Betrayal by a family member when I was about 12; depression before I was old enough to know what the word meant; finding the man of my dreams and finding out he wasn't perfect; all the things we went through together: moving 1000 miles away from everything we had ever known, 4 pregnancy losses; dealing with my husbands health issues and almost losing him on 2 occasions. almost losing my son at age 6; building our dream home and losing it to fire just 4 years later; major surgery, threat of my having cervical cancer; threat of my having lung cancer; being in a wreck and developing post traumatic stress to the point I was afraid to drive; still being afraid every time I come to a stop sign because of one man (the man who hit me and almost cost my baby - I was almost term with Nick), finding out the love of my life had a malignant brain tumor that was incurable, the loss of that dear life......

In each and every event I have experienced, my Lord has been right there to comfort me. I mistreat Him and still He is there. I turn to Him and He is right where I left Him waiting for me to reach out to Him. Many of the things I have been through rocked my world. Many people in this world have been through worse. I am not telling you how bad my life has been. Not at all. My life has been good way more than bad. I am just telling you there is only One Judge and that judge is not on this Earth. Be compassionate with people. Love each other, forgive each other, don't judge by what you see. Eyes deceive! And please never turn to drugs or alcohol--there is One above who will listen and help you!

Many people I know who have been through terrible things turned to drugs or alcohol to cope. I am very, very grateful to the One above that that never happened to me.

My real friends have been there too! I do not know what I would have done without you! You know who you are. You were there without my having to call you.

Too bad the perpetrators of the comments from Friday will not know how I feel about this because they don't read this blog. Oh well! Even though her words hurt me, I will forgive her without her ever asking because it is the right thing to do. I know she has been through some things called life herself.

I love you all.........

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Six months tomorrow♥

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be So He put his arms around you and whispered "come with me". With tearful eyes I watched you and saw you pass away Although I loved you dearly I could not make you stay A golden heart stopped beating hardworking hands at rest God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the BEST!

It will be 6 months tomorrow since you went away. I miss you like it was yesterday. There is No one sings this song like Noots! That was Rick's song. He loved it so much and sang it all the time. Neither of us knew the words, but we tried. Noots sang it for him the night he went on to rest. It will be 6 months tomorrow. Still it seems like just a few days ago.

A little on the type of cancer Rick had.....

Glioblastoma multiforme is the most aggressive of the gliomas, a collection of tumors arising from glia or their precursors within the central nervous system. Clinically, gliomas are divided into four grades; unfortunately, the most aggressive of these, grade 4 or glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), is also the most common in humans. Because most patients with GBMs die of their disease in less than a year and essentially none has long-term survival, these tumors have drawn significant attention; however, they have evaded increasingly cleaver and intricate attempts at therapy over the last half-century.
This was the same type tumor Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with....

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.