Monday, June 20, 2011

Long week

We have been in revival at church, between working and going to church I am exhausted! But it has been good. Four were saved at the revival. The hard part is at least three were left. And my heart is heavy for them, especially one. That heaviness did not appear until after that last night of the revival. I have never experienced this before like this. I know how to get that heaviness gone, and I will. And I know Who it is up to to remove it. But I have to do my part in that. And I am. I can not fail to because I do not want that person's blood to be required of my hands. I know that person will make it, I know.

Nick was at the ER all night with a friend of his, his most recent girl friend. Her parents called last night asking questions about abdominal pain and what it could mean. I told them lots that it could mean, but the best way to find out what it means it to go to the ER. It is nothing so serious that it can't be fixed fairly easily, thank God. And no surgical intervention needed. :)

I won't tell you how late I slept today. I could not believe it! Nick woke me about sunrise to let me know he was home and going to work. I went back to sleep. I have done 2 loads of laundry this morning and washed up the dishes that were left. It feels good to have a clean house! Much happier with it clean! I can hear Rick!

Speaking of him, we just went through our second Father's day without him. I miss him so much. I still have his phone on and I still call it to hear his voice. I love it when he tells me God loves me and have a great day! He so loved the Lord!

I am ending this post now. Y'all have a great day!
I love y'all!
To be continued............

Sunday, June 12, 2011

An amazing journey--LIFE! Enjoy the ride!

So I have been thinking (I know, right!) seriously I have! I have been thinking a lot about everything that has happened in the past 3 years. Some things have been just wonderful and some have been not so wonderful but all the things that have happened have helped shape who I am today. I am me. In a way, I am not Rick's wife anymore as much as that hurts to say. He is gone. I said I do til death us do part. And that day happened March 6, 2010. But it will always be Rick and Myra. And though he is gone, I still have him in my heart. There is not a day goes by that I don't think about him. And no tears readers, no tears! This is part of life-- it happens to everyone.

Before we knew Rick was sick, we became grandparents. Tobi was the apple of his eye. He adored that baby girl. She knows who papaw is in his picture, but I don't think she can remember him. Bubba was born only one month before the tumor was found so I know he has no clue who papaw was. They never had a chance to bond. I do know if he was here today, he would adore Bubba. I think he would follow him around. And Olivia would just melt his heart.

I miss him every day, and he will always be in my heart. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if I will ever find someone else, if I will even ever look for someone else. He told me to find someone else and be happy. He said he did not want me to grieve over him, to get on with life. I was "young" (haha). It is still too soon to even think about that. I still see his face everywhere I turn. He is there. He is out in that garden that is full of weeds now. He is out in that garage working. He is out in the woods cutting wood every time I go out. Sometimes I think I hear him call my name. So I know I am not ready for that right now.

I go to his grave and I can hear him tell me that I need to get on with my life. That was one of the last things he told me before we went to the hospital for the last time.

All in all our life was one amazing ride from our beginning, up to Massachusetts, down to Tennessee and back to Wingfield. We had bumps and bruises, good times and not so good times. We have met some amazing people everywhere we lived. Jack and Aurora in Massachusetts, Reo and his family in TN, to all these amazing folks right here in Wingfield. I have only known y'all since mid 1994, but I feel I have known y'all for all my life. We have had some amazing rides of our own! Remember Kota chasing Nick, the chickens chasing Nick and Val at the Smiths, Nick in the ditch with his toys, Nick under the water, Nick driving and tearing up my car? July 4th? The dropped coke? Farmers market and all those vegetables? Those memories are priceless! And priceless are the friends we shared them with!

I will be in awe of what is yet to be in store!

I love y'all!
To be continued.................

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

no tears tonight

Can you say tired? That's what I am. I have a day to rest up, then back to work for 2 shifts. Today was meeting day, and I attended all 3 of my meetings. I am so far behind in some stuff! Maybe I can catch up! On my way home the cath lab folks called. Can you work this afternoon? Not before 6pm.....come on! So I went in. I got there about 5:30 pm and left about 8:30. They are so appreciative every time I help them out. I don't feel like I have done all that much, but they say I did! So that was my day.

Tomorrow I really need to take my car to get the tires checked. One of the back tires looses a lot of air. Hope it's just a nail!

Our revival starts June 12. That is this Sunday night at 7pm. I am still not ready. Jenn's death has pre-occupied my mind. I don't know if I will get past it in time to be able to help any one or not. I hope I do, I know what I need to do, it is a matter of willingness to do it. That will be up to me.

EverAfter: A Cinderella Story is on and it is my favorite movie of all time. I am gonna end this short post and watch it.

I love y'all!
To be continued..............
Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. (Psalms 57:1)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Unconditional love is what it's all about!

The song above meant a lot to Jennifer. Please listen to it.

As I approached her casket this morning and looked at her, I saw that beautiful young woman I had grown to love. I saw her in my mind lying in that hospital bed in the MICU at Vandy telling Kim and me to shut it, no tears allowed, I'm not quite done yet.

I could hear her tell me not to cry. I couldn't help it.

As Chad closed his remarks about his wife whom he loved so truly and deeply with his whole heart he said:

"if I could go back to the beginning, know what I know now, I would do it all again"

That my friends is unconditional love. THAT is the love we all strive for.

Chad is an inspiration to us all. He has faith that is so strong. You could see and feel the love he has for her.

Sleep in peace precious until that morning when the trumpet sounds and we rise up to meet Him in the air. You are no longer in pain.

I love y'all.
To be continued..............

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Reflections--tissues required!

Jennifer Rene Grote February 21, 1981 - June 2, 2011

The first time I met you was in August of 2004. Your smile caught me right away. It was contagious! I came to night shift pretty soon after coming back to work in Bowling Green. We were on the same weekend. And at night, we were on the same holiday rotation. Pam, you, me, Missy, Linda....then you went to day shift. That was good for you because the Lupus had been diagnosed. It was difficult for you and you struggled with your meds, doctor visits, those white gloves and that scarf.....then you were well enough to risk going off your meds to get Aubrey. That day came and she was born. We were elated! Then you had complications and we were all afraid. Chad was like a rock. He said, God has a plan. We will have to accept whatever that plan is. It will be OK. I admired his faith. I thought, I don't know if I was the one facing that if I could be that strong. Little did I know that very thought would be tested.

But you had more to do. We got to keep you! After you came back to work, you seemed to be doing OK. Then after a while, you were so tired. You had to cut back to 2 days a week. You never complained. Not even once. You could care for the sickest person we had in the unit and that person and their family never knew how you felt. Your co-workers didn't really know. And we held hands a lot when your fingers were so purple. (That was because I was always too hot! because I'm old!) I cherish those memories.

Then we noticed you were a bit short of breath sometimes. We worried.

Then Rick got sick and I saw you less because I was otherwise occupied. But you came to see me and sent me cards which I still have and will cherish forever. As sick as you were, you were thinking of others just the way you always did.......Rick went on home and after a while I came back to work. That Sunday night we were walking to the car. I remember asking you why you were so short of breath. I thought I would have to carry you and we'd both be in trouble haha. But I was so concerned because you could not walk and talk at the same time. I was so afraid you would have PH. I was afraid to say it out loud. I don't know if you were afraid of that too but I had taken care of some beautiful young women with it and I was afraid for you. I said to you when was your next rheumatology appointment. You told me it was Tuesday. I said for you not to leave Vandy without knowing why you couldn't walk and talk and breathe at the same time. I was working when you called me with the news. I was so afraid but didn't want to show it. I called all of us around and told everyone what you had just shared. We held hands and said a prayer for you, one of many I know went up to Heaven on your behalf.

It would be only about a year later when God said enough My child come on home. You can now breathe with the best of them. You now have a perfect body and you are no longer in pain. You can watch over us and meet us at the gate when our time comes to go home. Look for Rick. He is there. Tell him I love him and miss him terribly. I miss your smile and I miss your humor. I just miss you. God's love is perfect and only He knows His plans for us. Today, we do not understand. We know we are not supposed to question. We are human and can't help it.

I know you would not want us to cry. I can't help it though. I love you and I miss you. I am not alone. There are dozens and dozens of folks who feel the same. And as you watch over us, be patient because we are going to cry. Can't help it. Smile at us, blow us a kiss with those perfect fingers. We will smile when we remember you.

I love you my unrelated daughter.........

Please continue to remember Jenn's family in your prayers. She will be laid to rest in Indiana on Monday. I plan to be there.

I love y'all!
To be continued.............