Sunday, July 31, 2011

more reflections.........and ramblings.......

146 days left, you know what I mean..............

I am tired, did not sleep too much last night, don't think it was the sleep apnea, I think it had more to do with shutting down and relaxing (or lack of). I quit playing all the facebook games so that I might be able to sleep without worrying about crops or jobs or cooking or going to work....and still I can't get settled down enough to sleep. I wish I could. I lie there thinking about who knows what, wondering what will be the next thing to come along.....wondering what if about a lot of things.

Sometimes I wonder what if Rick had the bone marrow biopsy that the oncologist wanted to do 2 years and even six months before the tumor was found. Would it have shown something that might have pointed to the glioblastoma? If so, would it have been at a different stage where surgery and radiation might have cured it? What if I had let him talk me out of taking him to the ER that day. Would he have had a seizure and died? Would I have found him dead on the road or out in the field? How would I have handled that? I have a bit of guilt for the tumor not being found earlier than it was. There were just no symptoms that didn't get blamed on something else like his anemia or being tired until that very day he did agree to go to the ER. He saw the Dr. every 3 months because of the anemia. From noon that day until we got to the hospital he spiraled down to the point he couldn't say much at all. And after about the third dose of steroid, he began to be able to speak again. That was related to the swelling in his brain from the tumor. Dr. Hampf was amazed he had never had a seizure with the amount of shift and swelling in his brain.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not moved back from Massachusetts. We were in the process of starting to buy a house south of Worcester, MA. It was actually in Connecticut. It was a 150 year old 2 story with a basement farm house on about 3 acres. It had a big kitchen with a brick hearth and an old, old wood stove in the kitchen. It was great! It had one of those outside doors that opened either all the way or half the door. I can't remember the name of that door. We were about to get the inspection when we found out about Saturn Corporation gonna hire him in the fall. We also found out Nick was on the way about that time......but that is another story.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had moved to Michigan before I met Rick. I had thought about that. Glad I didn't! I also had a job offer in Atlanta before I met Rick. Glad I didn't go there either. Did I tell y'all about the neighbor behind me when I lived down Nashville Road across from the bowling alley? Well, I had "done a double" (which meant 3-11 then 11-7) because of a call in....I was so tired! I was single at the time, had been in the trailer about 3 or 4 months and a knock came at the door about the time my eyes closed in sleep. One of my neighbors said please come, Mr. Whatever his name (it has been 27 years) did not have a pulse. I thought "oh my goodness.....I am so tired, how fast will the ambulance come...." I grabbed my robe and ran next door with her expecting to find the kind old man sprawled out on the floor or on the bed or slumped in a chair. Did I find that? NOPE! (thankfully!) I found him sitting at the table smoking a cigarette and talking with his wife! I checked his pulse and b/p and found one too low and irregular; and the other way too high, asked him who his doctor was and suggested he go see him that day. When I got back to work at 3, I told my story to my co-workers and when the man's doctor rounded, I asked him had he come to see him. He said he had and thought he would be OK. Unfortunately, the man suffered a severe stroke a few days later and did pass away. His stepson was a manager in a critical care unit in an Atlanta hospital and he was the one who offered me a very great job, which I turned down. That was about this time of year, and I met Rick in October on a rainy Saturday night.......what if Clay Diamond (the neighbor of mine, mutual friend with Rick) had listened to me when I told him I was not up for company that night.......I knew from the night I met him he would be the man I married.........I just knew and I told my sis in law......she agreed...........

5Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

6So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

- Hebrews 13:5-6
I love y'all!!
To be continued....................

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