Friday, July 1, 2011

I don't have a title for this one

This morning is much better than last night. Last night when I got home from work I was ready to throw in the towel and find another job! Sometimes I guess we just have to go on with it even though we don't want to. It will be OK! I don't like leaving work after 9pm though! It was an emotionally draining day in several ways! Some of which did not pertain to work!

This time of year is very difficult, it marks anniversaries in our life, one you all know and the others I don't talk much about because it is too painful. July 3 was the day I married the love of my life. There will never be anyone else who I will love that much. Another was June 28, the due date of our second child who was not meant to be. I supposed it would have been a girl and her name would have been Amanda Renee. We lost her the third week in November 1986. I was just far enough along to know that she was on the way. Not far enough along to know she was really a she. But I just felt it. I felt that with Val and I felt Nick was a boy even though back then it was too difficult to tell by ultrasound. The other 3 I have no idea, just had positive blood tests, had not figured dates. July 7th marks the loss of the 4th who was only about 6 weeks gestation at the time of loss by a blood test that told how far along I was. This is a difficult time of year. The other 2 happened in December and March. The last 3 were while we were living in Massachusetts. I had given up hope of having a second child when surprise here came Nick.

So bear with me and don't criticize too much, until you feel the loss of a child, you can not know that pain, and I pray you never do. It never completely goes away, just like the loss of a spouse. I think of my babies who never were to be many times a month. Even though they weren't really here yet, and not far enough along to feel movement, I knew and had started planning and those plans were crushed. I was given a book called Empty Arms to help me deal with the loss of the first. Don't get me wrong, all the losses were difficult, but the loss of the first was especially difficult. While we wanted more children, I was upset that she was on the way at first because Valarie was just 10 months old when we found out about the new baby. I did not know how I was going to deal with 2 babies at the same time. I had come to accept she was on the way, named her and was making plans. I was doing well, no morning sickness, then she was gone. Oh, the guilt that then surfaced because I had been upset. That book helped me through. And when a friend (and Rick's cousin) suffered her loss, I shared that book with her. She let me know that book helped her too. I would recommend it to anyone who suffers the loss of a child or of a pregnancy! And Rick was right there supporting me through the loss. He often said, even before he was saved, "our little ones are with Jesus". Now he is with them. He would say, "I wasn't the one pregnant, and I don't feel this loss as you do but I am here" and he was. He always knew when I was thinking about them and he would let me know without saying a word.

I will be OK. Writing helps, and remember this blog is not intended to generate sympathy or cause anyone to feel sorry for me. This blog is my outlet for my grief. And some days it surfaces with a vengeance so to speak and some days it is under control. I am OK and I will be fine. I just need to vent it and this is my place to do just that.

This scripture has great meaning:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And the footprints poem really had great meaning especially with the first:

We had this very print, it was in the house when it burned.....
He has carried me through so much over the years!

I love y'all!
To be continued........

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