Growing in His grace? I hope so!

Today I did something I had not been able to do since March 6, 2010. I moved a patient to CRSH to a room 2 doors up from where Rick passed away AND I didn't cry. I held it together. My work friends have been stepping in and moving patients up there for me if the room was close to his. When my uncle passed away up there earlier this summer I went around that back side to be with my aunt until my cousin came so I wouldn't have to pass that room. But today I did it! And one of the nurses I saw was one of the girls that took such good care of Rick. She was mindful of my feelings, I appreciated that. This is good. I think it may be a step forward!

2 Corinthians 1:4-5 He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so our comfort overflows through Christ.

The bible fan page on facebook has a knack for lack of a better word to post scripture that I need to read just when I need to read it. You may or may not believe that. I have posted previously about that when Rick was so critical all those times in the ICU the 6 weeks he was in the hospital how they always posted something I needed to see, words that would be really helpful to me in those trying times. There is the scripture that talks about how God does not intend to harm us, there is the scripture about the fourth man in the fire, many many psalms, and on it goes. Today the bible fan page posted the above scripture. I had to read it twice because it really got my attention! My experiences today moving that patient to CRSH is an example of it! When the bible quotes many words such afflictions for example I don't believe it necessarily is talking about an actual affliction as in this instance. And scripture has different meanings for different people for sure. This scripture means to me that even in my grief over the loss of my husband and best friend that I am still able to do my job and care for my patients in whatever capacity I need to! And the more I learn to lean on Him who is my rock and my salvation the better I can do my job and even live my life! I love the Lord, my God with all my heart. He has been there for me my entire life. When I let Him lead me, everything is so much better. I must learn to let Him lead me more and more each day!

This is all for tonight.

To be continued........

I love you all.

More stuff.........

We had prayer meeting, it was a short but good service. It was good to be there. We have church again this Sunday, as we do every time there is a 5th Sunday. This time though there is another service I may attend instead. Stockholm United Baptist Church is having their 100th anniversary celebration October 31. I was raised in rock throwing distance of the church (right next door). The house I grew up in has been torn down. It was a 6 room house no indoor plumbing at all, a cistern inside the "back porch" which was boxed in and used as the 6th room. It was kind of like our utility room/bathroom etc. Our water bucket was there, my dad shaved there, loaded his shot gun shells there, mom did the laundry there on an old wringer type washer and hung the clothes out to dry rain or shine winter or summer. Been stung many times in the summer bringing in laundry with a wasp or bee hidden inside a fold....ouch! Memories!

Been shot with a bee bee gun on the front porch of that house, been trapped in the outhouse by the same bee bee gun. I remember the time we (my brothers and me) decided to play fire department and burned my doll house. No one told me we'd have problems after the fire was out.

We had funerals for our pets with our neighborhood friends. Timmy would preach the funeral, Tammy and I would sing songs, Greg and Bruce would "amen" Timmy's preaching. Memories!

All these memories just started coming back when I wrote about Stockholm.....didn't intend to ramble on like that.

I love the book of Psalms. I for some reason pulled up my niece's facebook profile and she had a excerpt from Psalms and I really liked what it said. Here it is:

Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will
again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

King David said those words after he fell from favor with God after he had the affair with his soldier's wife and got her pregnant then had the soldier killed to hide the pregnancy he married her. But everyone knew. And the child was taken from them as well. King David had a lot of repenting to do to find favor with God again.

Now, while I haven't done those things, I am not where I need to be with God. And that verse along with prayer meeting and knowing the date really came together for me tonight. It is a difficult time right now. I will make it through somehow.

I love you all.

To be continued..........

And while I don't have a date with the preacher's son I do miss Rick and I was so very lucky to have had him in my life!

Just stuff

I slept more last night than I have in a while. I have no idea why, but I am grateful just the same. It rained today more than it has in the last 6 weeks put together! We could use a lot more, but I won't complain. It was quite interesting coming in. It was so very warm and windy before the rain and cooled some >10 degrees after the rain. Not much in the way of lightening and thunder around here but several reports of rotation around the area. I am glad I didn't see it! I really hate storms.

Rick's sister Teresa called today. She will have another grandbaby today. Aryanna Nicole will be here sometime.....maybe before midnight. She is 3 weeks early. But as long as she is healthy, that will be ok. Aidan will have a little sister! He will be so excited. He was excited when his little brother Adrian was born. All A's! Should be easy to remember.

I have corrected Valarie's chosen middle name if her baby is a girl. She will name her after her other grandmother. Rick's mom who I never met was Lorene. He would be proud.

I still miss him more than anyone could ever know. I smelled him today. I know there is no way. I don't have anything of his that would have his scent but I smelled him. I guess it is just my imagination. I also heard his voice call my name the other night. It woke me. Must have been dreaming. Sometimes I hear him drop the remote. We could not keep a remote that wasn't broken! He would drop it at least once every night. The kids used to tell me that was how they knew he'd gotten home, they would hear him drop that remote. I called his cell phone twice today just to hear his voice. I may never turn it off.

Hi you have reached Rick Sanders and Nick's Mowing Service. We can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave a message we'll get back with you as soon as possible. God loves you and have a great day.

I have heard that recording so many times. He would call me and get my voice mail and get aggravated because I didn't answer. He would say why do we have cell phones if I can't get you when I want to. When I would call him and get his voice mail several times in a row and say the same thing to him he would tell me he was working, which he was. He didn't get it I guess! HaHa.
He would have loved today. He loved storms. Even though there wasn't really any thunder/lightening to speak of, he would have liked today.

I think this is all for tonight, I am going to try to sleep some more.

I love you all.

To be continued..........

❤ Olivia Lorene or Wesley Richard?

Valarie had her ultrasound today. We got to see the new little baby. It's heart rate was 141. Could it be Wesley Richard or will it be Olivia Lorene? Only time will tell! And to make it very ironic, the person doing Valarie's ultrasound today did my first ultrasound when I was about 12 weeks along with her. Donna worked in x-ray at the Medical Center back then. She was learning to do ultrasounds and practiced on me. We were buddies back then and just lost track of each other. Anyway, it was good to see her today.

I went to see Dr. Phillips this morning for a follow up. He looked at everything, asked questions and told me that the blurred vision and double vision a week ago today was most likely a migraine even though I really didn't have a headache. I haven't really had any problems with headaches in 25+ years. The way he explained it made a lot of sense. He's a pretty sharp doc. Rick really liked him. He was the one who found him when we moved back up here and needed a family doctor. He has always been supportive and helpful with everything we have gone through over the 16 years we have been going there.

Tobi was so sweet this morning, she was going around calling "Nick, Nick, where where you at?" in her soft very southern drawl. She is so cute.

Perry loves his gamma. He runs to me laughing. I love both the babies so much!

To be continued.

I love you all................

One month from today.......

One month from today will be November 23. It will be a Tuesday this year. Last year it was on Monday. That was the day Dr. Bennyworth kicked us in the chest with cleats. It is hard to believe it has been eleven months since the tumor was found. I would so love to have his help right now. I miss him more than you can even begin to imagine unless you have been through this too.

Someone asked me today how long it had been. 7 1/2 months since he died. It had been seven years since her husband died. She knows. She misses her husband like it was yesterday too. She says it never gets easier for her. She feels like she wants to ask him something and he is not there. She hurries home from work to spend time with him just to realize he is not there. I know. I go to sleep alone and wake up alone. Even if Rick spent a lot of time watching TV late at night I still knew he was in the next room.

It was a busy day at work. It is so hard to take care of patients with cancer still. And yet, I must do that because it is part of my job. But it is hard. Brings back memories. And sometimes they ask how things are going to go. I don't know. I can only have a best guess. And I can not tell them my "gut feeling" because I might be wrong. But taking care of cancer patients brings all the feelings to the surface yet again. Maybe I just have to 'toughen up' but I don't know how! Maybe I need to go into something else then this won't happen! I guess I will have to work it out and do what is best for me!

Thanks for letting me vent, even if no one reads this, it makes me feel better to write it down.

Good night.

I love you all.

To be continued..............

I had a first (or maybe second) today!

So I woke early this morning at 5 am, was lying there waiting for AM KY to come on and actually drifted back to sleep. Next thing I know it is 0715 and my phone is ringing.....I look at the caller ID and it says CCU. I say, hello. Voice on the other end says are you on your way? I say on my way where? Voice says in to work? Oops! I guess either I'd forgotten or didn't realize I had overtime scheduled this week! Oops. I say I will be there before 8am -so sorry! as I am turning on the shower, getting clothes together while water warms up, brush teeth while waiting too to help speed up the process! Voice on the other end laughing says it's OK we will see you soon, don't worry, don't speed! That was very good of her! She could have been seriously mad! She lives in Allen County. She has been there around a year or so, good nurse. I enjoy following her. We share patients a lot lately. I would let her take care of my family. And I did make it by 8 am and everything was good. I can't remember ever doing this before. I have gone in and not been scheduled, but I think this was a first in 32 years. I hope I never do this again. If any of you reading this who know me can remember this happening, refresh my memory. It seems like maybe one time a long time ago, but I just don't remember for sure. So, this is a first or second experience that I hope I never repeat!

I went outside this morning and found that our trash (which is seriously overflowing from the birthday party) didn't get collected yesterday and the dogs had gotten into it. Grr! Phone call to trash people: my trash didn't get collected yesterday and everyone else's on my road did (and my bill is paid thru the end of the year). Them: OK someone will collect it today! And they did! I am impressed! Go SCOTT! They came all the way back here for just me! I was prepared to risk burning the trash or something. And I didn't have to. YAY Scott!

At 0815 I called Dr. Phillips' office and explained the situation how I forgot I had to work and needed to move my appointment. No problem! I will see him on Monday.

I stopped by the fire department for a bowl of chili on the way home tonight. It is a beautiful full moon, very bright, no clouds to obscure the view and a nice chill to the air. Great night for a hay ride and trip to the haunted house! They are having a great turnout! I hope they do well.

This is all for tonight.

I love you all.

To be continued..............

The wait is over.......good results!

Went to employee health today, the CT scan was very good; the labs were mostly within normal limits; thyroid levels a little off but nothing that can't be fixed. My vision is somewhat clearer today. I still don't feel as good as I did but I am also not sleeping well still. I think that is related to my age/hormones. My blood sugar is excellent. It was in the mid 90's and not exactly fasting (I had 2 or 3 cups of coffee with sweet and low and milk that morning before the double vision and one or 2 cups after it) so that is great. I will go see Dr. Phillips Friday at 1030 am and he will look at things and tell what he thinks. We got that straight on my first visit there. He found out I was a nurse when we were talking so he asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him he was my doctor and I was his patient and I wanted him to tell me. A lot of nurses go to the doctor and tell him or her what they want the doctor to do for them. I don't want to be that way. I go there for them to tell me and I want to be compliant with whatever they recommend. I also have to make an eye exam appointment. I just got these glasses sometime this summer, can't remember if it was before camping or after. I tried to call them today, no answer, will try again tomorrow or find a new eye doctor. Way back when 46 years ago we were told for me to always see an ophthalmologist rather than an optometrist. (the former is a physician who specializes in diseases/treatment of the eye while the later is also a doctor but not a medical doctor who just prescribes glasses/contacts and is trained to detect problems and refer to an ophthalmologist). Both prescribe glasses/contact lenses etc while the ophthalmologist can perform surgery if needed as well. Way back when I first discovered I needed glasses and eye surgery, Dr Rowlett was the first eye doctor I ever saw. He did surgery on my eye when I was 7 years old. I will never forget it. That is a story in itself for its own entry some day. Dr. Rowlett left so I saw Dr. Willoughby for many years until we moved away. When we came back to Bowling Green, he had joined Downing McPeak and they did not take our insurance. I just went to an optometrist at that point. I will make an appointment to see if my eyes have changed enough to need glasses adjusted again this quickly. Usually takes a year or two to need lenses changed. We will see. In the meantime, maybe it will continue to clear up and be fine.

I hope you all have a great rest of the evening/night.
I love you all.
To be continued................

Waiting is the hardest part...........

I think there is a song by that same name! Tomorrow I find out about the CT scan report, which I am sure will be fine, next step after that is Dr. Phillips and then an eye doctor if the blurred vision continues. Nick has been hovering around me since I came home yesterday. He says he isn't worried, but he has been close by and hasn't done that in months.

Today Perry went for his one year check up. He is healthy. Poor lil guy, got 3 shots and had a hemaglobin and lead level blood test. He just cried and didn't understand why they were hurting him. Then he went to have some food. He did better with his needle sticks today than his gamma did yesterday! Sweet baby boy! He hasn't had a bottle in a week, he is doing well with that. I am proud of him.

I think this is a short post for tonight. Have a good night, sleep well.

To be continued..........

My day today!

So today I had to go to employee health for issues with my vision this morning. Whew! I really hate needles and she ordered blood tests, which with my terrible veins took 2 sticks to get the blood, then when I got back over there she decided to order a CT scan of my head which required another stick. Took two sticks to get the IV in there too! My veins are little, torturous and difficult to find. But Rusty got the IV started and the scan was completed. I did find out there is a brain under there after all! Now I have to play the waiting game to find out the results. Which, by the way, I expect to be fine. I think this is lack of sleep combined with stress and maybe something to do with my age. The results should be ready by Wednesday when I go back. In the meantime I am supposed to "take it easy." I will try.

The problem with my vision started this morning when I got up. I put on my glasses, but things were so blurred still that I thought I didn't have them on. I went on to work, but while driving there, I had 2 episodes of double vision. They were brief, but I did experience that. So, since my vision was also blurred, I decided to check it out. I have always had problems with my eyes since before I started school. I have a condition called amblyopia and I have always known that I had no depth perception to speak of, difficult to angle park and more difficult to parallel park simply because I can not tell where I am in relation to the other vehicles. It looks like I am inches from them, get out of the car and look and I am inches alright 18 to 24 inches from them. The following is an exert from wikipedia concerning amblyopia:

Many people with amblyopia, especially those who are only mildly so, are not even aware they have the condition until tested at older ages, since the vision in their stronger eye is normal. However, people who have severe amblyopia may experience associated visual disorders, most notably poor depth perception. Amblyopes may suffer from poor spatial acuity, low sensitivity to contrast and some "higher-level" deficits to vision such as reduced sensitivity to motion.^[5] These deficits are usually specific to the amblyopic eye. Amblyopes also suffer from problems of binocular vision such as limited stereoscopic depth perception and usually have difficulty seeing the three-dimensional images in hidden stereoscopic displays such as autostereograms.^[6] However perception of depth from monocular cues such as size, perspective, and motion parallax is normal.

I also thought the song Double Vision by Foreigner was appropriate. Please enjoy. Also of note, in 2 days marks the 26th anniversary of my meeting Rick in my living room, thanks Clay Diamond!
To be continued........

I love you all.

ღUsual Sunday with exceptions......

So this morning started out a usual Sunday, just like most that are my weekend off....up by 7am with coffee, maybe 2 cups then off to Nana's (my mom's) aka Nanny by Tobi and Lil man for Sunday morning breakfast just as we have been doing since 1990. Can't say we have been there every Sunday, but most! When the kids were little, Rick would load them up and go on without me if I was working. He loved to go to Nana's for 'cat-head' biscuits as he called them and gravy and whatever other stuff she always fixes! The picture posted with this blog entry is from one of the last Sunday mornings Rick got to spend at Nana's. Nana was the name Val gave my mom when she started talking. Even Rick called her that. I miss him!

This morning was a bit different from that point on. On my way home this morning, found first responders from WVFD at a residence, so I stopped to lend a hand. I love being a first responder, but haven't really been responding for almost a year. Just had a hard time with it. Rick loved the fire department so much, and it is hard to continue. On with this unusual day. So I stopped by the department and helped fill out the run report. Next, I discovered it was 10 am by now and church is in one hour, so I went on home, jumped in the shower and while I was getting ready for church, Val yelled at me through the door to come help her open some of the toys the babies received as gifts yesterday at their party. I told her I would after church.

Knock, knock on my door.

"Mom!" in a trembling voice....."I need you to come here now, I'm hurt!" OK, where? Now crying with voice quivering and sounding very afraid "I'm bleeding!" OK mind you that she in 3 or 4 months pregnant right now and I have a terrible history of miscarriage.......where I asked.....quivering voice "I stabbed myself in the leg! Come here Please!" OK, let me find something to put on, (I am still getting ready for church). I go out to the living room and there are a few spots of blood on her leg and a 1 inch hole in her jeans. "Take me to the ER!" I said let me see it.....At first glance, I thought she needed stitches, there was a lot of blood and at first I thought she did need stitches. I told her to call Nana and have her come to the babies and I got some bandages and stuff to clean the wound with. I called Sandy and told her I would not be at church today, and why. Then I cleaned up the wound. It seemed deep with a large clot, I am still thinking stitches. And maybe we should have but after I cleaned it up and it was no longer bleeding we decided to butterfly close it and covered it with a medicated band-aid. It will leave a little scar, but I think it will be OK. I had to go to Bowling Green to get some closure devices for this wound, and medicated band-aids and she cried like a 2 year old to go with me. It was like she was a small child again, Tobi's size. I took her with me. Big baby.

I love you all and I miss Rick.

To be continued.....ღ

One birthday, two birthdays!

So today was a very big day! October is now two and on Friday Perry Dale will be one year old. He had not a clue what today was about but he had a blast digging into his cake!



I think everyone had a good time today. There was a lot of food, and a lot of cake! But it was all good, some leftovers though. I'd do it all again! They were so tired by the end of the day. Thanks to everyone who came to help us celebrate our babies birthdays!

Everyone who was here got to meet Brandon, Valarie's boyfriend. He seems like a nice kid. And the babies love him. That is usually a good sign. Val did some pumpkin carving after I left for church. They turned out pretty cute, at least I think so!

There would be only one thing that would have made today better! I think you know what I mean.

I love you all......ღ

Babies are not babies anymore....they are toddlers!

So, October Rose was two years old two days ago. Perry will be one year old in 6 more days! He could walk if he would just do it, he stands there alone, thinking about how he wants to get where he is going and down he goes and crawls much faster than he could walk. He has 6 teeth in really good, has 2 more on the bottom that are through the gums and eats everything he can find! Later today we will be having a birthday party for the both of them together. A friend is making the cakes, I know they will be great. We have lots of food planned. I just can't believe they are so big. Perry was just one month old when we found out how sick Rick was. They really didn't have a chance to get to know each other. He was just 7 weeks old when Rick had surgery and 3 months old when Rick went to the hospital for the last time. Perry seemed so much smaller than October. He seemed so much more fragile than his sister too. Rick was almost afraid of him. He was wanting to wait until Perry was a little bigger before he held him. Maybe it was the tumor. He held Tobi from the first time we met her. She looks at his picture, she says "papaw" and wants to call him. I have not turned off his cell phone. I call it from time to time just to hear his voice. I am not alone. His Aunt Bonita calls him, Beverly and Teresa still call him, Brent calls him, Alan calls him. We just want to hear his voice. And for the price, I may never turn it off. It is worth $10.00 a month just to hear his voice. ㋡

So, today we will have babies, great grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and others here to celebrate these two precious babies birthdays. I just thought about something! I don't have any birthday candles! Oops! I hope Keith has them otherwise I will be going back to BG once again! I also have to make a pot of chili. I am looking forward to that. I love making chili and the babies (parents) will be carving little pumpkins to take home. I hope that works out well. Gotta little more cleaning to do if I can motivate my daughter. It is her stuff!

We will post birthday pictures later if you are interested. I also have church tonight and tomorrow. Busy weekend!

To be continued.....
Love you all.....ღ

Fortune Cookies!

So today Nick brought my lunch to work for me. How sweet. His dad used to do that for me from time to time. I ate my sweet and sour chicken (and it was very tasty too!) and opened my fortune cookie as I have done on numerous occasions. It read "you will have much to be thankful for in the coming year." Huh, will have? Wow! I have so very much to be thankful for every day of my life! I have memories to last a life time of my husband and our years together, all the good times far outweigh any bad times we had (and there were some of those too....) I have my 2 children. I have my grandchildren who love me so much. It just warms my heart when I come in the door and Tobi runs to meet me with those little arms up saying mammaw in her slow southern drawl as only Tobi can say. I can't help but smile when I look at Perry and he is looking up at me with smiles bigger than his face and slobber running out his mouth because he's getting more teeth, and he wants me to pick him up....he makes all kinds of noises to get my attention. My babies are the sweetest babies around. I have the best friends and neighbors anyone could ever want. I have my family. They are right there anytime I need them. I have my co-workers. They are right there to help at work. The fact I have co-workers is something to be thankful for. So many people don't have a job today and they have no prospects of finding a job. I have my health. And except for a synthroid pill each morning, I am healthy. I have my church. And the most important thing, I have my salvation and God in my life. If I didn't have that, I don't know where I would be. God has seen me through so much in the past year especially, but really my entire lifetime. He has been with me through many changes. From the time He saved my soul through now, all I have to do is ask for Him and He is right where I left Him.

Now, I am not telling you He answers all my prayers the way I want them answered, but I am telling you He answers them in His time the way He sees fit and if it is good enough for Him, it is good enough for me!

• Read a Sample Chapter

Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach

A few years ago, I decided to read the book Simple Abundance. Good book. I also decided to keep the gratitude journal it suggested for a year. In keeping the journal and reading the book, I discovered one simple thing. To keep my life simple, all I had to do was put God first and He would take care of the rest. All I have to do is listen to that still small voice, heed the scripture:

Joshua 24:15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

The simple fact is that if we put God first in our life, nothing else matters. Period. He reminds me of that very fact quite often as I am human and I fail, I fail to pray, I fail to listen to that still small voice when He says "trust Me". Or maybe I listen but I don't have enough faith. I am working on that. It is something that my head knows but sometimes I let life get in the way. I let something someone says stick in my head. Or I let Satan bother me. And he does bother me. He puts obstacles in my path to try to get me off the path. And if I am not strong enough to get around the obstacles, then they block my path. He put a big obstacle in my path November 3 years ago when I worked a shooting as a first responder run. How one human can do that to another is beyond me. We were in revival at church and I was feeling very close to the Lord. Then that call went out and I went. I had a block for the rest of that service. It took several months to get back because I let that get in my head. I got back and other things got in the way. I got back and the cycle repeated itself again. I got back and cancer invaded our lives. And death took my soul mate. I am trying to get back. It is getting easier to be at church. I still can't stand in the alter for singing yet, I don't look up there much yet, but I can be there now. I still think about Rick all the time. I had to go to radiation oncology again today with a patient. That is so hard. And something else happened today that reminded me of our 6 weeks at the Medical Center. I had to choke back the tears. I don't think anyone noticed. But I did. It is also getting easier to talk to the Lord in prayer and feel like He hears me. I trust in Him. All will be well.
It is well.

I love you all.

Jamey Johnson - In Color

Well, I think this song just says it all! I was just listening to it tonight. I think back through all the past 26 years and there are pictures to look back on, memories to recall. But you should have seen it in color. Even March 6, 2010.

♥ This time of year ♥

Well last night was a success at the haunted house and hay ride! I am proud of the way it comes together. They all do a super job! I stopped up there last night and tonight on my way home from work and had chili both nights. We have some pretty good cooks around here! Nick is enjoying working at the haunted house. He made a grown man cry last night scaring him. Everyone returning while I was there both nights says it is a great haunted house.....come on down! Rick enjoyed driving the tractor for the hayride each year. He looked forward to it. A few years ago he made a set of steps for the fire house and a set for the haunted house to help with people getting on and off the wagon. It helped a lot! They still use them.

Today marks Nick's due date.....I guess it's a good thing he arrived early, he was 8 pounds as it was! Today is also John Lennon's birthday. He would have been 70 today had he lived. I spent a little time on you tube playing some Lennon and Harrison videos. Tomorrow is Rick's sister Beverly's birthday. I forgot to send her a card! Oops. Sorry Bev, I will have to send her a facebook message!

My grandchildren are growing so very fast! They are changing every day! This time next weekend we will be having October's and Perry's birthday party at the same time. Such sweet babies!

I have been very busy at work. I had to travel with one of my patients a couple of times today. I am happy to go with them for their tests that can't be done at the bedside. But the older I get, the more I think I want to just stay put. I could never be a travel nurse. I like things the same too much. My goodness! Just converting to computer charting was so difficult for me. These kids who were raised on computers have it so much easier in that respect. They already know so much about the computer. Us old-timers have a difficult time figuring out stuff!

Now, if I could only get sleep down pat. I would be a happy camper! Sleep is something that is so very important to everyone. I don't know if it is truly insomnia, anxiety, depression or what. I just have so much trouble getting to sleep. Usually, I don't have trouble staying asleep after I get there, just getting there is the problem! So much runs through my mind! I think about Rick, I think about Jennifer, I think about work, I think about my kids and what they are going through, I think about my community and things going on around here, I worry about everything whether there is a problem or not....I have always been one to worry about nothing and everything! I have tried TV off, TV on, sleep meds over the counter and Rx; melatonin, Tylenol, can't take benadryl because it gives me a hangover. Maybe it will get better soon. Sometimes I think about what if's and wonder about people I haven't seen or heard from in a long time. Just can't quiet down my mind. It has always been that way. Just never had trouble sleeping until 10 1/2 months ago. It is difficult to believe it will soon be a year since we were kicked in the chest with cleats. I think I have guilt feelings over that tumor. Like somehow it was my fault; that if I didn't make him go to the ER that day he might still be here because what we don't know won't hurt us....same with Jennifer when I told her not to leave her Dr's office without finding out why she was so short winded. Now I really know better, I may not have had Rick as long as I got to keep him if we hadn't found and removed the tumor. His brain had already shifted from the bulk of the tumor. It had returned to the midline after some healing. And Jennifer really needed treatment for her breathing problems. I just have that type of personality that makes things my fault in some way. I didn't give Rick a glioma and I didn't give Jenn Pulmonary Hypertension. And if I could fix it for them I would have in a second. If it could have been me instead of them I would gladly trade. But God has His plans and it is not up to us to second guess or even wonder why, but it is human nature to do that. I know you have seen me post these scriptures many times but they mean a lot to me.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

From the Book of Daniel KJV

3:15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?

3:16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

3:17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

3:19 Then was Nebuchadnezzar full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated.

3:20 And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.

3:21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:22 Therefore because the king's commandment was urgent, and the furnace exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

3:26 Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

3:27 And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God. So these 3 men faced the fiery furnace believing that God would deliver them, but even if He didn't, they were assured of a place in Heaven and they would not bow to the king. I need to get to the accepting part of the fact that I didn't get my way in Ricks illness. I love the Lord, my God with all my heart. I don't blame Him for taking Rick. I miss him every waking hour. I dream about him. But I don't blame God.

I love the fall! (Again!)

We took the babies to Jackson's Orchard today. They rode in a red wagon and got to feed the animals at the petting area. Perry laid back on his sister in the wagon, he almost went to sleep. Can't believe she let him lay there! She was good though. He was too. They both got a little pumpkin of their very own. They both also tried to eat it! We bought apples and some cider.
I made apple crisp with the apples. I love a good apple crisp and the Winesap apples from Jackson's make it the best!

Nick's truck is still out of commission. I want so badly to tell him I told you not to do that, but that would just make him mad! I love both my kids, I just want them to learn to take care of themselves and their belongings. I hope his being without his truck all this time helps him take better care of it when he gets it back!

Today marks the 7 month anniversary of Rick leaving us. I continue to miss him like it was yesterday. They say time heals. I don't cry quite as much, but I still miss him as much. It is getting a little easier to be at church too. It is so hard to go there and look at where I last saw him. I know that was just a shell, he is asleep waiting for the Great Day, but it is still the last place I could touch him, see his smiling face. I do have him in my heart. I know we will be together again one day. October seems to remember him. She takes my phone, looks at his picture and says "PaPaw and Tobi" and kisses the phone. She has a picture of him that is just hers too. She is so little. He loved her with all his heart. And I will never forget Christmas eve about midnight when she was just 2 and a half months old. We kept her that night, and it was about midnight with her sleeping on my chest that the Lord promised her salvation to me. It was like He was right there in the living room with us. There are conditions on that. I have to live for Him. I am trying. I really am. Yesterday I talked to Him and He talked back to me. I talk to Him many times a day, it is not every day that I get through to Him though. Yesterday I did. It is the first time in several months. There I said it. I have had this block since Rick's death. I don't know if it is part of grief, or just me. But yesterday I turned up a road just past Heather Miller's house and it came to me to pray. And I did, and I got through. He is still telling me to trust Him. I do, I always have, and always will.

That is all for tonight. I love you all.

To be continued.................

More random thoughts.......

From the left my baby brother Doug; Ricky; and my brother Greg. Bruce (also my brother) was not there. This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day at my Mom's last year. We are just 7 weeks shy of Thanksgiving again! I love the "winter" holidays. But, this year there will be one absent. Looking at this photo of Rick, you wouldn't think he only had 3 and a half months or so to live would you? He looks so healthy there, and in reality he wasn't! We already knew he had a tumor; just didn't know exact details at that point. He was just a few days away from surgery. I still love and miss him.

Hey I typed all of that without crying! Better than last night. I did cry while typing but that seems to be getting easier. I thought about the haunted house and hay ride tonight. They will be short one tractor driver. I am sure someone else will step up of course. Rick so enjoyed that though! Last year he was very quiet during the hay ride. I just thought he was tired. If I could go back to the beginning of 2009 and know what I know now, I wonder if the tumor would have been caught in time to fix it. I wonder if it had been there for the 2 years he was having his anemia treated. I wonder if the cancer somehow was affecting his blood cells causing the anemia. Had he consented to the bone marrow test would that have made them look further? It is all just second guessing at this point. As a nurse I don't see how they could be connected, but then again cancer does all kinds of weird stuff to you!

More random thoughts.....I had meetings at work today then a jewelry party tonight. It was fun, and Heather you look so cute as a clown, I don't care what your brother says......

My babies are growing so very fast. Tober calls herself Tobi now, she can tell me who different people are. She knows Nick's friends by name and gets upset if they don't speak to her. They change every day. I just wish she would quit biting her brother!

Back to the winter holidays. Christmas will be here in a short time. I love the holiday simply because of what it stands for.

Had It Not Been

Just suppose God searched through Heaven
He couldn't find one willing to be
The supreme sacrifice that was needed
That would buy eternal life for you and me

Had it not been for a place called Mt. Calvary
Had it not been for the old rugged cross
Had it not been for a man called Jesus
Then forever my soul would be lost

But I'm so glad He was willing
To drink His bitter cup
Although He prayed, Father let it pass from me
And I'm so glad He never called Heaven's angels
From my hands remove these nails that torment me

I have heard that song many times over the years, but I have not heard anyone sing it better than Brother Denzil Bullock. Again, I ask for you to remember Maria's husband in prayer, he will have his leg amputated in the morning. Hopefully, just below his knee and not farther up. And hopefully this will spare his life! His name is Gary. Please pray.

I love you all.

My Little Witch

This really is my little angel. She is giving me a "hard look" which is a new face she has learned to make. She has it down pat too! She can make a fish face, and puts her fingers in her mouth at the corners, pulls down and sticks out her tongue when you tell her to make a face at someone. That "hard look" thing is a common trait of my side of the family, I don't know if it is Bird or Stice or whoever Ma Birds mom was or Pa Birds mom was......but it is a common look for sure. That look has gotten me in so much trouble over the years and most of the time I didn't even know I was giving it! My dad has it, his mother had it, her mother (Ma Bird). Pa Bird was so mild mannered. I barely remember him. He died when I was about 3. Anyway, October is trying on her Halloween costume. See her green hair? I couldn't believe she would leave that on but she did! She also has on a green skirt. She is a darling.....except for our first experience with a tantrum last evening. She didn't wanna go to the potty and she didn't wanna change into a diaper. So, she laid on the floor, crying NOOOOOO, momma, NOOOOO head on her little arms and was kicking her legs. We just let her lay there until she finished. I got so tickled and so did Valarie.

I am so excited in a way. I found out today something I should have already known. It is my Thanksgiving off! And my brother and his family are coming in from Ohio! I am off the weekend after too so I will get to see them some! Usually I am working when they are here! I do wish they would move back here. They have lived in Ohio for about 17 years give or take 6 months or so..... Doug's wife Donita is a nurse and their daughter in going to nursing school. The hard part about Thanksgiving will always be that Rick's birthday was November 27. Every so many years Thanksgiving is on his birthday. This year it is the Saturday after. And November 23 was when the tumor was found. I know you are probably tired of reading about this but it is part of me and why I started this blog to begin with......dealing with MY feelings surrounding my husbands illness and death. I seem to be finding that I am dealing with it a little better right now. I hope that trend continues. I am crying a little less. I think that is good. Don't get me wrong, there is not a day goes by that I don't remember him. I think about him every morning when I wake up alone and every night when I lay down to sleep. Sometimes I hear his footsteps, they were distinct. Or I hear him drop the remote in the living room, or I hear him say "Myra" the way he always did when he needed me. I still have his cell phone activated, I call it sometimes just to hear him say "God loves you, have a nice day" in his voice mail message. If you want, you can call it, it won't bother me at all! His phone battery ran down a long time ago. It won't ring here. It does my heart good to hear his voice and I may never cancel the number.

I have prayer requests. Please remember a friend from high school hurt in a tractor accident and a friend from first grade whose husband is in serious condition in Louisville. Please mention them to the Lord when you pray. Thanks!

I love you all.

To be continued......................

Definately cooler!

October is here in all it's glory! The leaves are turning, color is somewhat dull at this point, I guess the dry weather is hurting the color. It was very cool today. Babies needed shoes and some warmer clothes, so we went to Wal-mart today. Perry hates his shoes. Just a bit more confidence and he will walk. He is so cute. I made a big pot of chili today. It is pretty good, but not the best I have ever made. It will do though. I set aside a big bowl to take to work for lunch tomorrow. I also made no-bake cookies, and hid a couple to take to work tomorrow too!

Went to Jackson's Orchard today for apples, got some golden delicious, they are firm but sweet, I usually like tart apples but I can eat these because they are crisp and firm. I wanted to make apple crisp. Unfortunately, these won't make that too well, need tart apples for that! I will get those next time. There were so many people there! They had their pumpkin festival today. 100's of folks there. Fortunately for me I got my apples and back out in good time! We may take the babies there this week.

When I came home from church the TV was on TBN with a movie playing about the Exodus. Moses and the burning bush, Moses and Aaron with the Pharaoh. Well made movie. I have seen most of these actors in other Biblical movies before. They always do well. Speaking of church tonight, it went well. I have some work to do. I am still having a very difficult time but it seems to be easing a little. I want to get to where I can work for my Lord. I know how to get there, I just have to do it! If you are reading this blog and you are a praying person, I ask for your prayers for a dear friend of mine. Her husband is seriously ill in a Louisville hospital. He has had part of this foot removed, and is facing more surgeries. He has gangrene and may loose more than part of his foot! Please remember them. Also, please ask for strength for Maria. From personal experience, I know how much prayer helps us to deal with illness. I want Maria to know how much I care. I also want her to know how I came to depend on the Lord during Rick's illness. Had it not been for my friends, prayer and God, I would not have come through as well as I did. I still say what happened in our lives was not to harm us. God alone knows His plans.
I love you all...........

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I love the fall!

In twelve days the little angel on the left will be 2 years old! She is so precious except when she bites her little brother! And in 20 days little man sitting next to her will be 1 year old. If he had just a bit more confidence he could walk! He will let me hold his hand as he walks anywhere, he will walk around everything, but he will not turn loose! I know he will when he is ready. He is at the mercy of his sister too. She will bite him every time she decides she wants too. He won't bite her back either. I think if he did, she would stop biting him. If anyone has suggestions on that, please let us know.

I wish Rick could have gotten to know Perry. He is a sweet baby. He was still so very small that Rick wasn't comfortable holding him. Perry was just one month old when the tumor was discovered. At that point, the illness took priority. We really didn't pay much attention to the kids, we focused on what we needed to. We wanted to get the tumor out and start whatever treatment would be recommended. After the treatment started, he was too sick to do much more than look at the babies. He would still hold Tober, she was Papaw's girl you know. Rick just didn't really feel he could be safe enough to hold little man, he seemed so much more fragile than his sister did. They never had the same chance to bond that Papaw and Tober had.

Look how big he is getting. He is wearing 18 month clothes! He is 3 weeks shy of one year old! He is a hoss!

This is one of my favorite times of the year! Cooler weather, maybe some fall rain, changing leaves, smell of apple crisp baking, big pot of homemade chili, homemade hot chocolate, cinnamon, coffee on the front porch in the early morning, turning on the fireplace for the first time in the season.....LOVE IT!

Remember when.....
In eleven days it will be 26 years since Rick and I met in my living room that Saturday night in October. Thank you neighbor. If you read this you know who you are! Over the years, I have wanted to kill you more than once. HaHa. But mostly, I thank you. Had it not been for you, we may have never met, and I would not be the person I am today. The struggles and triumphs Rick and I experienced over the years have influenced my life in ways only someone who was there would know. And, there have been some who have been right there the whole time and some over the past 15 years or so and some for an entire lifetime! I do love this month. Ironic that both of my grandchildren were born in October, huh!

That is all for tonight. Love you all.

To be continued...........