more reflections.........and ramblings.......

146 days left, you know what I mean..............

I am tired, did not sleep too much last night, don't think it was the sleep apnea, I think it had more to do with shutting down and relaxing (or lack of). I quit playing all the facebook games so that I might be able to sleep without worrying about crops or jobs or cooking or going to work....and still I can't get settled down enough to sleep. I wish I could. I lie there thinking about who knows what, wondering what will be the next thing to come along.....wondering what if about a lot of things.

Sometimes I wonder what if Rick had the bone marrow biopsy that the oncologist wanted to do 2 years and even six months before the tumor was found. Would it have shown something that might have pointed to the glioblastoma? If so, would it have been at a different stage where surgery and radiation might have cured it? What if I had let him talk me out of taking him to the ER that day. Would he have had a seizure and died? Would I have found him dead on the road or out in the field? How would I have handled that? I have a bit of guilt for the tumor not being found earlier than it was. There were just no symptoms that didn't get blamed on something else like his anemia or being tired until that very day he did agree to go to the ER. He saw the Dr. every 3 months because of the anemia. From noon that day until we got to the hospital he spiraled down to the point he couldn't say much at all. And after about the third dose of steroid, he began to be able to speak again. That was related to the swelling in his brain from the tumor. Dr. Hampf was amazed he had never had a seizure with the amount of shift and swelling in his brain.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had not moved back from Massachusetts. We were in the process of starting to buy a house south of Worcester, MA. It was actually in Connecticut. It was a 150 year old 2 story with a basement farm house on about 3 acres. It had a big kitchen with a brick hearth and an old, old wood stove in the kitchen. It was great! It had one of those outside doors that opened either all the way or half the door. I can't remember the name of that door. We were about to get the inspection when we found out about Saturn Corporation gonna hire him in the fall. We also found out Nick was on the way about that time......but that is another story.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had moved to Michigan before I met Rick. I had thought about that. Glad I didn't! I also had a job offer in Atlanta before I met Rick. Glad I didn't go there either. Did I tell y'all about the neighbor behind me when I lived down Nashville Road across from the bowling alley? Well, I had "done a double" (which meant 3-11 then 11-7) because of a call in....I was so tired! I was single at the time, had been in the trailer about 3 or 4 months and a knock came at the door about the time my eyes closed in sleep. One of my neighbors said please come, Mr. Whatever his name (it has been 27 years) did not have a pulse. I thought "oh my goodness.....I am so tired, how fast will the ambulance come...." I grabbed my robe and ran next door with her expecting to find the kind old man sprawled out on the floor or on the bed or slumped in a chair. Did I find that? NOPE! (thankfully!) I found him sitting at the table smoking a cigarette and talking with his wife! I checked his pulse and b/p and found one too low and irregular; and the other way too high, asked him who his doctor was and suggested he go see him that day. When I got back to work at 3, I told my story to my co-workers and when the man's doctor rounded, I asked him had he come to see him. He said he had and thought he would be OK. Unfortunately, the man suffered a severe stroke a few days later and did pass away. His stepson was a manager in a critical care unit in an Atlanta hospital and he was the one who offered me a very great job, which I turned down. That was about this time of year, and I met Rick in October on a rainy Saturday night.......what if Clay Diamond (the neighbor of mine, mutual friend with Rick) had listened to me when I told him I was not up for company that night.......I knew from the night I met him he would be the man I married.........I just knew and I told my sis in law......she agreed...........

⁵Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

⁶So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

- Hebrews 13:5-6

I love y'all!!
To be continued....................

reasons, inspiration, friends/family, emotions

147 days until Christmas......Just a reminder.............

So I was looking back reflecting about the past 20 months and was just thinking about all the people who helped us on this most difficult journey. I could not begin to count them, our friends and family made it possible to deal with everything that happened! Y'all were so very supportive and there is NO way to repay y'all for your kindness! I had no idea what a blog was or how to go about "making one" but had read Beth's blog (which is linked here, among others, on the left side of this page) a couple times since joining facebook. I had been toying around with writing in Microsoft word and keeping my thoughts in an electronic journal so to speak on the main computer then after reading one of Beth's entries, I decided to give it a try. Somewhere on this page at the top I think is a link to get you started, so I just clicked it, set up my "Google account" and started putting feelings to the page. Then I named it. The original intent of the blog was to have a place to write my feelings about Rick's illness, six week hospital stay and death. I started the blog June 1, 2010. To date, I have had 4800 "hits" on my site. I feel blessed that someone reads it. I also hope I have helped someone deal with their feelings about life in general. I know it has helped me to be able to have a place that is my own where I can say what I feel and know that the remarks I make are mine and mine alone and if it helps someone, then I am doubly blessed!

I know from experience that reading others blogs, I have been helped there as well! Hillary has a blog about her family's journey with life in general and the past year or so about the diagnosis of spina bifida. Her youngest has that, and it has been quite a journey for her. By God's grace, her beautiful Zoe is healthy, and will be able to function well in her life. She is growing everyday, and though she needs physical therapy, trips to Vandy still, glasses to see well, is sitting well, rolling over, trying to drink from a cup.....progressing well! Hillary has been an inspiration to me with her faith in our Lord all during her pregnancy and that inspiration helped me see something the Lord had been trying to show me. She posted about the men who would not bow to the idols and were thrown into the fiery furnace. Brother Steve had preached on that very scripture many times as had Brian. I knew it had a message for me, but reading her post one night, I realized what that message was and cried and cried out of gratitude that He helped me see through a friend what I needed to see. If one person can be helped by something I write here, then it has been well worth every keystroke!

Everything posted here has to do with my feelings, lots of times still those feelings are related to Rick's illness. Sometimes the posts are about other feelings, and I have to write them down to be able to deal with the stress! I am hoping my stress will become a bit lighter in the next couple of weeks. I will post about that when it is complete!

Daniel 3
25He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

²⁸Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

I love y'all!
To be continued..............

Loss is difficult!

148 I am reminding you how many days until Christmas........

Late last night after my "short post" I was made aware of the passing of a friend of Nick's. This is a great loss to the EC football family ECHS family in general, and I am sure it is an almost unbearable loss to his family. I don't know what I would do if either of my children or grandchildren were to pass on. Just the thought of it is nearly unbearable.

We have all suffered great loss over the years, grandparents, some have lost parents, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, unborn babies, nieces, nephews, cousins, good friends......one thing I have learned is that each loss is unique! Each time we lose someone dear to us, it changes us. Our life is never the same after the loss. We never forget it, we just learn to deal with it in our own way. It has been 20 months since Rick's tumor was diagnosed. From that very day, I began trying to prepare for what was to come. I also tried to prepare others for that day. I knew from my experience as a nurse that the tumor he likely had was one that could not be cured. It could be (and was) removed and possible time bought with chemo (which the oncologist would not administer because of other reasons--and he said 6 weeks would be a long time....) and radiation. We knew that time was possible with radiation alone and he wanted to try it. Unfortunately, blood clots in the legs moving to the lungs are potential complications of cancer and little did we know at the time it would be massive clotting that would lead to his demise.

And there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I can see him in the garden working, or hear the way he shuffled his feet when he walked across the hardwood floor, I listen late at night for the sound of the remote control hitting that same wood floor, I hear him say fix me something the way only he could......and I miss all that!

I am not trying to diminish his family's loss in any way! I am just trying to help someone who may read this to deal with their grief!

Jacob's family and friends will learn to deal with his absence. It will be so hard for them in the coming days, weeks and months. They will never forget him, and by the grace of God, they will come to terms with it and move on with their life, it will never be the same without him though. Even through smiles and later laughs, there will still be that emptiness in there that no one can really see until they have been through it. And one day, Some Great Day After While, they will be together again! And they, as the rest of us who have dealt with loss, will understand what is not meant to be understood down here.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I love y'all!
To be continued..............

149

Just a reminder how many days until Christmas day.....

I had balloon pump call today, I was lucky that I got to stay home. I went with Nick to Glasgow to drop off the mower for repair. Then I came home and just took it easy all day. I still don't feel too great, still tired, still waiting for the final result and the mask. It will be great to get it and be able to sleep.

It was a hot day! I can not believe how hot it has been. Now watch, we will be complaining in a couple months how cool it is.....

July is about gone, then August, then September and fall will be here. Before you know it, Christmas will be here!

Y'all have a great evening, and remember your friends and neighbors in prayer. Congratulations to Josh and his wife on the birht of their new baby boy!

I love y'all!
To be continued..............

151 and counting

Just a reminder, 151 days until Christmas.......

I am excited, our family welcomes Nolan Wyatt James who was born today to my nephew Jeffrey and his wife Ashley James. He joins a brother, Thomas Ryan. Nolan weighed in at 7 pounds 14 ounces and was 20 3/4 inches long. He has a head full of black hair. His big brother wanted to name him Buzz (after Buzz Lightyear). That may still be his nickname LOL! With each addition, our family grows in number and in strength. May this birth make us even closer! The only things that would make his birth brighter would be if his papaw Gary and his great uncle Rick would have been here to meet him. Gary did not get to meet Thomas before cancer took him away. Rick did get to meet Thomas but did not get to know him.

On another good note, my cousin who had a rough day yesterday is doing better. Please continue to remember them in your prayers.

One other note, there was some great news that came today, I think it lifted about 100 tons off my shoulders! I can't really go into details here today, but I will when I can and I will in person if you know what I am talking about. Just remind me! I will tell you all about it!

We are so blessed to be living in this area. Good friends, family, a roof over our head, decent vehicle to drive, a job......Please remember your friends and neighbors in prayer and thank God for them every day! You never know when He will call one of them home!

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you! I am in love! YES!!! But it is not what you think!!! Have you tried McDonald's frozen strawberry lemonade? It is awesome! And very, very good, and very, very addicting..... But be careful, there is this thing called brainfreeze.................aka Spheno Palatine Gangleoneuralgia Google it if you dare.........it is very, very, very cold!

On a bit of a sad note, please remember Rhonda Moody St Charles' family in your prayers tonight and tomorrow as well as the coming days. They will lay her to rest tomorrow afternoon. Rhonda was a good friend in high school, and we renewed our friendship on facebook. I had not seen her in years. My parents knew hers, and we are only a month apart in age. Rhonda passed away this past Sunday. She will be missed.

John 13:34
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

I love y'all!
To be continued............

153

153 days until Christmas............

Today I learned some very sad news. A friend from high school died this morning from cancer, Rhonda Moody St Charles. I do not know the details, just that it had spread to her bones. Friends, I beg you, if you are due a check up at the doctor, go get it. If you feel bad, go, if you have a family history of cancer, go get checked. Keep up your mammogram every time it is due. Did you know breast cancer, when caught early and properly treated, is one of the most curable types of cancer? There have been so many to go on from that dreaded disease. Another of our classmates died a few years ago from cancer -- Debbie Wood Minton. It is so hard when we lose friends. I had lost track of my friend and she found me on facebook before Rick got sick, she was a realtor for a friend of his brother.

On a bit of a lighter note, the sleep study went well last night. The "nose mask" is probably my favorite, I slept better last night than I have in quite a while. I am looking forward to the final results and getting the help I need. I can't wait! I did remember waking a couple of times overnight, there was water collected in the mask. I will have to figure a way to prevent that from happening. Otherwise, it went very well! I was actually fairly well rested when I woke this morning. I think I was still asleep when they came in the room. So, that is better!

Remember, go get your yearly tests done, see about that nagging cough, just a general check up!

Psalm 46:1-3
1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 2 Therefore will not we fear , though the earth be removed , and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; 3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled , though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

I love the songs of King David...........

I love y'all!

To be continued..............

155

One hundred fifty five days to Christmas Day....just a reminder.....

Today was a good day, scheduled the second part of my sleep study tomorrow night. I will arrive there at eight thirty, they will settle me in and wire me for sound literally! Then they will put a mask over my face that fits very tight and there will be a continuous flow of air with pressure to keep me from snoring and keep me breathing while I sleep. My brain waves will be monitored and my oxygen level will be monitored the whole night. I should find out what will help and hope that I get a good result. It is my understanding that I will sleep well for the first time in years! Also found out about the other labs today. Everything was good, no changes needed in the synthroid dose. I do have to take big doses of Vitamin D again, but that is not a big deal, very easy to do. I might take a picture of myself wired up, we will see, I might not post it if it is too hideous...

The heat must break! It wears me out just walking to the car in this, and the sun is low in the evening and low in the morning, I can't take the humidity.

It is a quiet evening in the house, watching Criminal Minds right now, counting down the minutes until Blue Bloods comes on. Great show! If you like Tom Selleck at all, you will love it! I think it is some of his best work Jesse Stone is also a great character for him, but that series is just Sunday night movies once or twice a year. Blue Bloods is every Friday night!

I think this is all for tonight!

Have a great and blessed weekend! Remember the revivals going on in area.

I love y'all!
To be continued...................

How long did you say? 156?

Tobi
Christmas 2009
Rick's last Christmas
(it is still my favorite time of year, though I miss him!)

Well, I will tell you that it is 156 days until Christmas! Me thinks that means 155 shopping days, and since today is about over except Kroger and Wal-Mart, 154 shopping days left! Have YOU started your Christmas shopping yet? I have not! I usually don't start shopping until a few days before for a few reasons: keeping my grown kids out of the presents, don't know what to get for anyone and several other various reasons. Maybe I will start early this year.

I love Christmas, it is my very favorite time of year, next is Easter. Get the theme there? My favorite 2 holidays of the year have to do with our Lord. Some folks don't really like Easter because it reminds them of the death of Jesus. I choose to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and because of that resurrection I am assured eternal life after this life is over. Had it not been for His suffering and sacrifice, my soul would be lost. And not to make a joke out of a very serious thing, but with this heat, I don't want to know how hot hell will be. Can you imagine? Think about how very hot and humid it has been and how we say we can not stand it much longer....now think about adding flames to this heat and though I have no idea how hot it really is, I am sure it is hotter than it is here. It makes me feel so sad for those who choose not to go with their lead and find salvation and everyone is guaranteed one opportunity to find it, any other chance is by mercy. I am so glad for the mercy shown me one Saturday night! I do wish I had told it sooner....that is for another time.

Have you noticed that the days seem to be getting a bit shorter? Well it is and before we know it it will be time change again. I wish 'they' would leave time alone. Start noticing, the sun is coming up a minute later this day and setting a minute earlier that day and it will progress until the winter solstice when it will be the "shortest" day of the year and we will be going the opposite way, sun rising a minute earlier here and setting a minute later there until.....here we go the opposite way.....and repeat again. How the years are passing!

I hope I haven't depressed you. I just think about these things from time to time and had to share. I hope y'all have a great evening, stay cool (as best you can) and remember your pets, friends, neighbors and family. If you can and know someone who needs a fan, take them one.

Luke 2; 9 -18

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

17And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

18And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

I thought it went with the theme of the post........

I love y'all.
To be continued................

Long day!

Different folks are posting what a long day it has been. I can attest to that! Actually, it has been a long week, month, year etc! The heat is almost unbearable! We go outside to go to the car and then get drenched in sweat! It is like walking into an oven and then open the car door! I think that feels like opening an oven door! And I am sure when fall/winter come we will be complaining about the cold.........humans! What can I say! We always want what we can't have! I am right in there with you!

Went into work today, it was a day filled with cleaning and paperwork! Whew, I got most of it done though! It was challenging and we need to make a few changes I think! We will get it like it needs to be! (nothing big, just the way we record some equipment stuff....)

Y'all be good, stay cool, take it easy in the heat! Heed the advice of the weather people, heat stroke and heat exhaustion are killers! Check on your pets, make sure they have plenty of water and shade. Check on your neighbors, make sure they are cool enough!

I love y'all!
To be continued..........

Psalm 18:2, 6 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.”

(I love the Psalms)

A few answers!

So I got a call from Dr. Warren's office. It seems I have obstructive sleep apnea. I stopped breathing 47 times each hour with 'waking episodes' with each of these. I don't remember waking that much and considering there are only 60 minutes in each hour that doesn't leave much time for sleep! No wonder I am tired! I go back at some point for more testing with a cpap machine. We will see if that makes it better! I believe this explains why I feel so very tired, the ankle swelling and the palpitations. My oxygen level also dropped to 82% on several occasions. That is fairly low considering we always want it above 90% (and for someone with "normal lungs i.e. no lung disease from smoking we like it 95% or better). We will see what happens! I am excited at the prospect of feeling better!

Another reason for being so tired is we went from 2 to 6 in the house in the past couple of weeks with me telling her no the whole time Val has come back with 3 babies. I am having trouble with the mess. It is hard to keep up with 3 under 3. At least Tobi is potty trained right now. But Bubba isn't yet, and it is difficult for her to keep up and with the lack of sleep my nerves are having trouble dealing with the crying and terrible 2's. And somehow it's my fault! I don't understand the younger generation! I told her no, yet here she is! I know she felt like she didn't have any other place to go, but as her dad told her this is not a flop house. She made these choices, I didn't make them for her. Now I have to live with her choices! I love the babies, but I raised mine. I should not have to go through this every day I have off! I am at a loss what to do really. She has no job, her choices of men have not been great, at least Brandon worked. But where is the child support? Where is help with the extra electric and water. She does provide food for them, but my electric and uses my appliances in ways I don't like! I don't use them that way and expect her not to. I have told her, she just gets mad and I am being picky. And I cart her around, do I get a thank you? or gas money? No. I get yelled at because she doesn't know where she is going, I take her where she told me she needed to go, and it was wrong. I went 10 miles out of my way had I known where she really needed to go I could have gotten there so much quicker!

Sometimes I want to sell it all and move to town in a tiny one bedroom. That is all I need. One bedroom for me. Period. Then no one can move in with me. The thought has crossed my mind (and Nick's)! It looks more appealing every hour of this day!

I love y'all!
To be continued..............

July

I really can't believe July is over half finished! It will be August and school will be starting before we know it! Luckily I don't have anyone in school! Then, September will be here and fall will arrive! Friday September 23 will be the first day of fall and if it means a bit cooler temps, bring it on! I love the fall! Rick always used to make me a corn stalk shock that was so big, it took 3 of us to put it up! And he would put several straw bales out and decorate it with pumpkins and Indian corn. Nick fixed me up last year. Had to buy the fodder for the first time in our lifetimes. I do look forward to cooler weather and hot chocolate and sitting out at the fire. In my recipe blog you will find a recipe for hot chocolate that is so very yummy! It is the recipe used by Starbucks according to a website we found, we made this hot chocolate last fall and winter many, many times. It tastes so much like Starbucks and a fraction of the cost! Makes me sweat thinking about it right now though as warm as it is!

Nick turns 21 this year. I can not believe that! He had court today, pre-trial. I think the state attorney is beginning to realize they don't have a case, he almost caved today but didn't so we go to trial. It begins in August, we could use your prayers because despite the evidence, you know what a jury can do! Let the guilty go and convict the not guilty, and he is not guilty! After it is over I will tell you all about it if you want to know!

Tobi will turn 3 October 14 and Perry Dale, aka Bubba will turn 2 October 22. He is beginning to show some terrible 2 traits and Tobi is beginning to get out of them. Then Olivia will still be lagging behind! Tobi will be starting pre-school probably next year! That doesn't seem real. She has finally gotten herself potty trained and says diapers are for babies, as well as lots of other stuff. "That's for babies" is her favorite saying!

"They" are predicting that the next few days will be dangerously hot. Be careful out there! Stay inside as much as you can! And say a little prayer for me that Val gets a job soon! I can't tolerate having a house full of babies again! Don't get me wrong, I love them all, but she has her own family now and they don't belong with me. I raised my kids and don't need the noise. My nerves can't take much more! It has been a difficult past 20 months.

Still waiting on my sleep study results. The labs were great. I was happy about that! Only thing I don't know is the thyroid blood tests, but everything else was good. I still need an explanation of the exhaustion! And that happened before the babies came back. We shall see.

I hope you all have a safe and happy week. Pray for each other, I know I can use it! Remember to treat each other the way you would like to be treated in all you do.

James 5:16

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

I love y'all!

To be continued..............

More thoughts, look out!

Before you read this blog post, remember this is my blog and I will write what I feel and think every time I post! You have the right not to read it! You also have the right to your own beliefs. These are mine!

Today I overheard some comments that just broke my heart. I hope the person was not serious! It is not my place to judge that person, I just have my own views which I am entitled to just as they are. I still love the person who made the comments, I just worry where priorities are in these instances! And on that note to quote a friend......I was also thinking, if you saw my facebook posts you know, am I old fashioned to think that people should have morals and manners? Whew! And how about professionalism? And I don't just mean nurses! I heard on Good Morning America this morning that the President slammed back his chair and stormed out of a meeting yesterday! He is our leader and that behavior seems like kindergarten! If Tobi Rose did that I would spank that butt! And threatening to take away social security and the pay to our soldiers if the debt ceiling isn't raised....live within our means! When Clinton was president this country was in excellent shape, gas prices were reasonable, cost of living was great, and then it changed and it seems there is no hope for it to ever return to those good times. Yes, he was a cheat on his wife, but he was a great president! In 2004 gas was$1.59 a gallon, the highest it had been in years, I'd give anything to go back to that! And while I'm at it, gas went up 20 cents while I was in town, do you think it has anything to do with the corvette homecoming this weekend? If it goes down after the weekend we will know won't we!

So what is this world coming to? I mean really! Children tell their parents what they are going to do, no consequences for actions, spout out if you spank me I will report you and the parent is too afraid of the government to correct the child! What is going on? If I said something like that to my parents I can assure you it would not have happened again! And if I misbehaved at school or church, I would not look forward to time to go home! I believe in spanking a child. I am not talking about abusing the child, but spanking with an open hand to the butt will get their attention. Time out just doesn't cut it. And in the mall or walmart or grocery store how the children act and the parents just look the other way...yelling and screaming tantrums! Mine did not do that to me, they tried on my mom, only once though!

And then there are road rules and keeping right and how to walk and while I am at it, walking through someone's cigarette smoke annoys me to no end. I believe they have the right to smoke if they choose, lots of my own family do, but they don't have the right to make me breathe in that nasty smoke! So I think they should have to smoke away from public walkways and public entrances. I am not taking away from their right to smoke, just don't make me breathe it in..... and while I'm at it walk to the right, use your turn signals when you drive and stay out of the left lane if you are not gonna go at least the speed limit! Whew! I have quite a soapbox. And no, no one peed in my cheerios this morning, it all started with a conversation I overheard and a song called "My Sherona!" Memories of an earlier time in my life when life was simple. All I had to worry about was work, sleep and rent. Would I trade and go back? NO! I love my family....all of them, in laws, former in laws, outlaws and all, (except maybe for one or two..... and I don't hate them, just don't want to deal with them)

And if you say how you feel you are labeled as too conservative or too christian (Lord help) or too much of a stick in the mud or old fashioned or what ever, I just believe there it a right and a wrong and if we don't get America back on track, she is gonna fall! Just like Sodom and Gomorrah!

One more thing, check the mirror before you go out, and if it doesn't fit, don't wear it! And I don't think I want to see your PJ's at the mall or Wal Mart or Kroger.....just saying.....

I love y'all!
To be continued...................

Memories!

Today, I was checking my email, something I do very little of since I got facebook, anyway there was an email from my cousin, Donna who had taken a picture of Rick and me at a homecoming at Goodsprings in 2002. It was a very pleasant surprise! I really was glad to see it!

This was taken this morning at my mom's in the front yard by my sis-in-law of the four of us. This doesn't happen too often because one of us doesn't live here anymore......from left to right is of course me, I am the oldest; Bruce who is number three, Greg who is second, and last but not least Doug. Doug and his family live in Ohio. They are considering moving back in the next couple of years! I am hopeful that will happen. Doug always wanted to be called "Baby Doug" when he was a toddler. Bubba reminds me so much of Doug at that same age. One day I will get pictures scanned in of us when we were kids.

And this was taken at breakfast this morning. I don't know if they planned to dress alike or not. LOL. Doug said he looked better in his shirt than Bruce.

So today we made memories and I was blessed to relive memories. It is a good day!

Family is what makes the world go around!

I love y'all!
To be continued.............

My family

Today was a family get-together at my niece, Heather and her husband Jonas' home. There were folks from all sides there! It might have been a bit awkward for some, but all in all it was a good day. Heather and Jonas have been together for years but recently married so today was a planned celebration of their marriage that they knew about and a surprise "shower" for them that they did not know about until today complete with a cake! It was pretty and Tobi could not keep her little fingers out of it! They live in a house they bought from Jonas' uncle when he and his wife divorced. They have a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath home with a nice yard and a pool, which their six year old son Jonas Jr. loves. All their "stuff" was either old or hand-me-downs from different ones of us, so they really needed some new stuff. I got them some bright colored lime green, melon and teal kitchen towels and dish cloths, a bright lime green cutting board and knife to match. She loves things like that.

Tobi waiting her turn in the pool



Bubba in the pool with Mommy

All in all it was a good day. I left after 3 hours, my ankles were swelling so much from the heat that my flip flops were getting tight.

Last night was quite an experience! The sleep study went better than I expected, and I did not come away with CPAP already, so at least it's not really bad! They couldn't tell me anything, I have to wait for the Dr. to interpret the test. I will hear from it soon. I am so tired right now, I can barely hold my eyes open! I had to take a sleeping pill to get to sleep, and didn't feel like I slept over 3 or 4 hours. Couldn't have been much, I know I woke at least 3 times and it was close to midnight when I finally went to sleep (which is nothing new). I was wired for sound, literally! They had EEG leads on, EKG leads on, leads on my legs to monitor for restless legs, a monitor of the air I was breathing out, an oxygen saturation sensor on my finger and last but not least, a microphone on my throat to detect snoring.

This is a picture of the room I was in. It was as comfortable as it could have been. We will find out the results this coming week I hope! Rick had CPAP for several years. He used it faithfully for a long time.


I love y'all!
To be continued................

Today

So Dr. Avula asked me what I was there for this morning. I told him I was so tired I could barely put one foot in front of the other. Even when I first get up I am tired! He asked lots of questions, ordered some labs and I will have a sleep study soon. He said it sounds like I have sleep apnea. And that would be an answer for many, many problems, like the fast heart rate, the ankle swelling, the tiredness, especially the tiredness! So, I have hope for feeling better soon! Also, he thought my synthroid medicine needed to be increased, so I will have the labs in the morning. I can hardly wait to feel better!

On a lighter note, Doug and his family are here for a few days. Heather and Jonas eloped a while ago and they are having a celebration on Saturday. I am looking forward to it!

I am also looking forward to having 3 days off! YAY! Friday, Saturday and Sunday! Can't wait!

This is a short post today, I hope you have a great rest of the week.
I love y'all!
To be continued..............

So tired and so full of emotion

Bubba sitting with mommy at Hardees waiting for Brandon to get off work

I was thinking about how tired I felt this morning when I got up. I slept fairly well for me, but I am still so very tired. It is about all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I went to the Dr. today to get some idea of what is wrong, but I actually go tomorrow.....oh well! I haven't felt like doing much today, got my clothes out of the dryer and that is about it. I don't know if something is wrong or I am just old and this is something I have to get used to. Hopefully I will get a few answers tomorrow.

One reason I am tired today is I worked 88 hours in the past 2 weeks. I usually work 72, so that is a lot for me! Another reason I am tired is, I think, because of the emotional drain this part of July has for me.

Tobi feeding little Olivia

Tomorrow Olivia will be 2 months old. I see her in pictures since they don't live with me now, I don't get to see them much. I miss my babies a lot but I also enjoy having my house back!

Tobi loves to 'swim'

They grow so fast. The little girl in Florida whose mom was charged with her murder was about Tobi's age when she was killed. I don't know how anyone could hurt a child! They depend on us for everything! I only hope the mom is not guilty since the jury found not guilty on most counts. She and God know.

I made it through Sunday at work. It was a difficult day for me, but you probably would not have known by looking at me. Sometimes I can not hide my feelings, but I do try even when I feel like I am about to fall apart inside. I just keep it to myself and share it here but that is about all. I think if I talked about it, I would melt down. And I can't do that.

I love y'all
To be continued...........

I don't have a title for this one

This morning is much better than last night. Last night when I got home from work I was ready to throw in the towel and find another job! Sometimes I guess we just have to go on with it even though we don't want to. It will be OK! I don't like leaving work after 9pm though! It was an emotionally draining day in several ways! Some of which did not pertain to work!

This time of year is very difficult, it marks anniversaries in our life, one you all know and the others I don't talk much about because it is too painful. July 3 was the day I married the love of my life. There will never be anyone else who I will love that much. Another was June 28, the due date of our second child who was not meant to be. I supposed it would have been a girl and her name would have been Amanda Renee. We lost her the third week in November 1986. I was just far enough along to know that she was on the way. Not far enough along to know she was really a she. But I just felt it. I felt that with Val and I felt Nick was a boy even though back then it was too difficult to tell by ultrasound. The other 3 I have no idea, just had positive blood tests, had not figured dates. July 7th marks the loss of the 4th who was only about 6 weeks gestation at the time of loss by a blood test that told how far along I was. This is a difficult time of year. The other 2 happened in December and March. The last 3 were while we were living in Massachusetts. I had given up hope of having a second child when surprise here came Nick.

So bear with me and don't criticize too much, until you feel the loss of a child, you can not know that pain, and I pray you never do. It never completely goes away, just like the loss of a spouse. I think of my babies who never were to be many times a month. Even though they weren't really here yet, and not far enough along to feel movement, I knew and had started planning and those plans were crushed. I was given a book called Empty Arms to help me deal with the loss of the first. Don't get me wrong, all the losses were difficult, but the loss of the first was especially difficult. While we wanted more children, I was upset that she was on the way at first because Valarie was just 10 months old when we found out about the new baby. I did not know how I was going to deal with 2 babies at the same time. I had come to accept she was on the way, named her and was making plans. I was doing well, no morning sickness, then she was gone. Oh, the guilt that then surfaced because I had been upset. That book helped me through. And when a friend (and Rick's cousin) suffered her loss, I shared that book with her. She let me know that book helped her too. I would recommend it to anyone who suffers the loss of a child or of a pregnancy! And Rick was right there supporting me through the loss. He often said, even before he was saved, "our little ones are with Jesus". Now he is with them. He would say, "I wasn't the one pregnant, and I don't feel this loss as you do but I am here" and he was. He always knew when I was thinking about them and he would let me know without saying a word.

I will be OK. Writing helps, and remember this blog is not intended to generate sympathy or cause anyone to feel sorry for me. This blog is my outlet for my grief. And some days it surfaces with a vengeance so to speak and some days it is under control. I am OK and I will be fine. I just need to vent it and this is my place to do just that.

This scripture has great meaning:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And the footprints poem really had great meaning especially with the first:

We had this very print, it was in the house when it burned.....

He has carried me through so much over the years!

I love y'all!
To be continued........