Saturday, January 8, 2011

January Memories!

January has lots of memories for me. Some are good, some are not so good. I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. I believe we are much stronger and able to handle much more than we think we can. Doesn't make our pain any less, just something we have to do.

Some of the good memories:
My Mamaw Childress' birthday was in January
My father in law's birthday was in January
Valarie Kristen Sanders made her debut into this world 2.5 weeks late on January 14, 1986. She weighed in at 10 pounds 5 and 1/4 ounces. She was 22 inches long.
Aunt Bonita's birthday is in January and is actually in just a few days! I must mail a card TOMORROW so she will get it in time! I have been lax lately in sending cards.
I met a lot of my friends in TN beginning in January 1991. I am sure there are others, just these stick out and are readily there......

Not so good memories:
Challenger exploded January 28, 1986. I was watching the launch while I was trying to feed Valarie who was 2 weeks old. It wasn't going so well. The poor child was hungry. I gave up and was feeding her her first formula and had the TV on channel 4. I was watching the launch as I had done many times before, I love space travel! Anyway, I saw the explosion as did 100's of other people watching. And like them, I had not a clue at first what was going on. That is something I will never forget.

But my worst January memory is of January 23, 2010. That was the last time Rick was ever in our home. He was struggling for every breath and I made him go to the ER. He never came home again. He didn't want to go. He only did it because I wanted him to. If I could do it over, I think I would have done it the same way, except I might have made him go sooner in the day, not that there could have been a different outcome by going earlier. But even that day had good points to it. All it took was one phone call to 911 and within seconds help was arriving. I am serious. First responders were here so quickly. As soon as the page went out WVFD rallied around their own. The community really came together for us. And stayed with us through out the whole ordeal and after. We have wonderful neighbors!

Is seems that as we get closer to January 23, I am having more frequent dreams of Rick. I dream about him several times a week and not about the illness. I have had garden dreams and fishing dreams. I really didn't like fishing, but when he went, it involved all 4 of us until we got him ready. I am also finding I am having restless periods where I can not get comfortable along with anxiety. I am crying more frequently than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat right now. I don't know if it is the fact we are approaching that anniversary or the cloudy rainy snowy weather or both. It is hard to go to sleep, then it is hard to wake up when it is time.

I suppose it is all still a part of grieving and one day it will be better.

I ran into Rick's cousin, Beth today when I went into Sam's Club for a case of diapers. She had already been in there and had to go back in for a couple of things she forgot. I also had lunch there. Did you know you can get a great lunch for under $2.00 at Sam's? Well, first you gotta love hot dogs. But let me tell you, every time Rick and I went to Sam's we had lunch there, we had a hot dog and coke. It is really under two dollars! And it is good! Anyway, it was good to see Beth today. She has been there for us too during and after Rick's illness even though there was quite an age difference. She is really young enough to be a daughter instead of a cousin. Her dad and Rick grew up together, Rick was a little older than her dad, but they are first cousins. Their moms were sisters. His whole family has been there for each other during and after his illness and death. And they treat me still like part of their family. I married into good people!

Psalm 18
1 I will love thee, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;

my God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised:

so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

I love you all.

To be continued.........

Remember, this blog is not meant to generate sympathy, it is simply a tool to help me through my grief for as long as I need it -- even if no one ever reads it except me!

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