Friday, January 21, 2011

Can't help but think........

Looking back over the past fourteen months, I have to wonder why did this have to happen to us. And then when I do that, that still small voice comes to me and says "trust Me" and I have to! I do trust Him with all my heart. It is when I am thinking about me that I wonder. Out of our 25 years together we went through some very rocky patches and some very wonderful times as well. There were times when I wondered what was I thinking and then there were times (more often than not) that I was so grateful that I had him in my life. One year ago tonight was the last time we went out to eat together. I felt so bad for him. We went to Cheddars, we had only discovered it about a month before he got sick. He ordered the baked spaghetti thing they have, thinking he would be able to eat it. He couldn't really eat it for some reason. They felt bad and thought it was the food, it wasn't. The waitress brought him something else, a chicken dish I think, and he couldn't eat that either. We went on home. Out at Warren East at the light at 68-80 a car ran the red light and he hit them. He was not injured. After all the hoop-la from that, we went home. He coughed a lot later that night, and I thought his breath was short, but he said he was fine. I had a sinking feeling, but he would hear nothing of it. I had to work on Friday, and went down to radiation medicine because he had a treatment that morning to tell them I was worried about him. They listened to me, but when he came in he told them he was fine. Little did we know that would be his last treatment.

On Saturday January 23 I heard him cough a lot during the early morning. He seemed to be sleeping which was a rare thing with the steroids. I let him sleep. After he woke, he was so very much weaker than he had been. He was coughing so bad and obviously short of breath. I convinced him to go see the doctor. The doctor thought like I did that he had pneumonia. And he probably did. He sent us home after a shot and a prescription for an antibiotic. Later that day after much pleading and using up a whole oxygen tank, I convinced him to go to the emergency room. That would be our last day at home together. At least we were able to spend it together. Had he not gone to the ER that night with his oxygen level being so very low, I do not believe he would have survived the night. I often wonder if I did the right thing. He suffered those last 6 weeks. We spent them together. Every day. And I miss him. Every day. And I wonder what if about so many things. What if we had noticed the forgetfulness sooner and what if he had the bone marrow test would it have pointed to cancer and would it have been in a stage that could be cured?

Brother Joe (one of the hospital chaplains) told me how strong I was. I told him I am weak. He just smiled and said he knew better. He was right there for us the whole journey, even on his days off. He is still there for us as are my co-workers and especially our friends and neighbors. Brother Britt (the other chaplain) told me "you took your vows to heart-- in sickness and in health 'til death us do part" stayed right with him and helped to do what was best 'til the very end.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares
the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future."

I do not believe for an instant that what happened to us was in any was meant to harm either of us. Rick had a better place to go. I will join him when my time comes. I do hope when that day does come, I can meet it with the same strength and faith he had.

And from the book of Daniel Chapter 1 through 3 about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and their amazing faith to trust God no matter what. It is a long passage and I won't post it here tonight (I have posted most of it in the past) but if you would like to read it, copy and paste the names here to your URL above and search and you can read about their amazing faith. I do trust God. I just wish I had a fraction of their faith! They had the faith to trust God enough to face the fiery furnace believing that God would protect them. And He did and what the King witnessed converted him as well. The journey we faced was difficult. And I don't know the why of it, but I do know my sweet Lord has a plan and His part of it for me will be revealed to me in His time. And though I am human and I forget to trust Him sometimes, He is still there ready and waiting to help me in the way He knows is best.

Much sickness and hardship in our land. Many of our friends and neighbors have critical illnesses in their homes and / or loss of loved ones in the past year as well. Lets all try to remember our neighbors friends and family in our prayers on a daily basis. Lets make a vow to pray every evening before we go to sleep and every morning when we wake and if we can't say anything else, lets say "thank you Lord for your blessings on me" and ask for Him to bestow blessings on those we love.

I love y'all.
To be continued.............

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