Monday, June 14, 2010

It has not been an easy day today

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be So He put his arms around you and whispered "come with me". With tearful eyes I watched you and saw you pass away Although I loved you dearly I could not make you stay A golden heart stopped beating hardworking hands at rest God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the BEST

This has been a day filled with memories of days past, hot summer days picking beans or just out in the garden. I have had several calls for beans. Some forgot he'd passed away, some didn't know about it, some say, but don't you have a garden? NO I don't that was his thing. I could never begin to raise the garden the way he did.

The poem above was posted by a facebook friend today. I had seen it before. I've posted it before. It just hurts today. My heart is heavy. I know there are going to be days like this. Nick saw how I felt today and tried to help me. He wanted me to ride to Glasgow with him when he took the lawn mower to Vance. I went with him. He scares me a little sometimes, but his driving is ten thousand times better than his sisters! I refuse to ride with her! Period. End of story!

I know that time is supposed to help and that it has only been a little over 14 weeks since he passed away. It still feels like yesterday. There was so much to do after he died that my time was occupied. There was not much time to think about it. Now, that all that is over, I have blank, empty time on my hands. That is what is so hard. I feel like I am not needed anymore. Val has her life and her babies, Nick has his mowing and his girlfriend. I am just me. Here. I get out and drive around. That is what I used to do before I met Rick. I find that I am out doing that a bit more the past month. Oh, well.

It is also hard because in 19 days we would have celebrated 25 years married. We had planned to celebrate by renewing our vows since we eloped in 1985. I am happy for each and every couple that makes it that far though. Don't get me wrong. I do not hold ill feelings towards anyone for any milestone. My neighbors celebrate 7 years today. In this day and age, I think that is wonderful! I see them reaching 25 then 40 just as we celebrated on Saturday with Sandy and Jerry. Chris and Megan are happy together and have a wonderful little boy, Will. Rick loved Will. They were buddies when Will was a baby. Rick had a quilt made for Will when we found out they were having a baby and it was going to be a boy. He picked it out himself.

I miss him. I always will.

To be continued................

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