Tomorrow.......

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of Rick's surgery. I have some anxious feelings going on right now. I have memories of last year all those hours of waiting and good friends and Rick's family around. I don't know how we could have made it without them. There were other families there, I have no idea what they were there for, and I am sure they had no idea what we were there for. I am very thankful for all our friends. We are truly blessed. I thank God that each and every one who was with us in body and in thoughts and prayers were with us that day and all the days since. We knew our friends and family were praying, we could feel the strength from those prayers. Rick always said since the tumor was discovered whichever way it went was alright with him. He was a winner either way. That is why that song is so special to us. He sang it several times a day up until he could no longer sing. And I am sure he sang it in his heart up until the last breath left his body. And Noots sang it for him that night he left us. And Noots sang it for him the day we laid him to rest. Noots sang it the last time I was at church. I cried. I cried because I know he was right. He was truly a winner. And as you can see from the smile on his face, he was not afraid. Not from the first day. His spot in the garden was his assurance that he would have a place in Heaven when this life was over. And that still small voice keeps reassuring me to "trust Me" on a regular basis. I know that I have to trust Him. I know that He didn't take Rick to harm me, He has plans that we don't know about (see Jeremiah 29:11). And we have to have the faith of Daniel in the lion's den (see Daniel 6th chapter) and the faith of the 3 men in the fire and trust God with our very existence (see the book of Daniel, chapter 3). He will provide.

I love you all.

This post is not intended to make anyone cry or solicit sympathy, remember this blog is intended for me to have a place to write about my feelings concerning the illness and death of my husband. I know I ramble on with many other posts, but today I am back to the intention of the blog because of the time of the year.

To be continued............

Christmas 2010 is coming!!

We started decorating for Christmas today. I love the Christmas season. I always have. I can remember as a child lying awake waiting for Santa, trying to catch a glimpse and figure out how Santa could climb down our chimney and get out of the stove without getting burned. Oh, the anticipation! Never have figured that out to this day LOL! ;D

I love putting up the tree, finding all the ornaments and remembering what each one if for. I have one tree that I leave up all year, usually decorated with primitive ornaments that are good all year but during this season, I remove them and place my Hallmark collection of Mary's Angels on the tree. The first I think was either 1987 or 1988. We were living in Massachusetts when I first started collecting them. One year I had to drive to Glasgow to get it and one year I had to go to Rivergate to get one. But I have them all! I usually get one for my friend Norma too. She has several of them. They are the cutest things.

My "main" tree has all my Precious Moments ornaments and ornaments that friends and family have given me over the years as well as ornaments marking the kids first five Christmases. Now I also have ornaments marking my grandbabies Christmas milestones. I use clear lights on my tree. I used to use only blue, then one year I used only red, a couple of years I used multicolor lights, but I have to say clear is my favorite. I also love my tree, it is a pine tree I bought at Kerr's years ago. I bought that tree even before I started liking the 'primitive' look and it is that for sure! I get made fun of by Val, she does not think it looks like a real tree. I told her she could have her own tree the way she wants it, and I will have mine my way.

In my kitchen I have an old hoosier cabinet. I have always decorated it with gingerbread ornaments. This year, I found a small 'primitive' tree and placed a small strand of clear lights on it and a couple of gingerbread ornaments on it. I also have some other Christmas decorations on it. I really like it. I also have Christmas themed kitchen towels, table cloths, plates and cups that I like to use during this season. I have some with snowmen, Santas, and others with a primitive theme that are still for this season. I used to wait until the first day of December to put up my tree, Rick always dreaded when I put up the tree and always wanted it up and down as quickly as possible. I just love sitting in the living room with the lights out just looking at the tree in its splendor.

This year however we will be missing one. This is our first Christmas without Rick. I am not sure how we will actually deal with it, but we have done OK through Thanksgiving and his birthday. Though it is difficult to see, Hallmark has done it again, they have an ornament to commemorate the loss of someone special during the year. I got one for me and both kids, it has a pearl in an oyster shell and has the date and says "Every life leaves something behind" and if you are reading this and you knew Rick, you knew he did leave something behind. And I don't have to tell you what it was, and if you didn't know him and you have been reading this blog, you will already know what he left behind. I love y'all. I hope each and everyone has a blessed week ahead. I have placed the Christmas story from the Gospel of St. Luke. Please remember the reason for the season!

St Luke Chapter 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

17And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

18And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

19But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

20And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

I love y'all
To be continued..................

It is November 27!

So last night at my mom's house Perry touched the heating stove. He burned his little hand, has a big blister that developed over an hour after they got home. We decided maybe we should take him to the ER because of the size of the blister. Just wanted to be sure he would be OK. They felt like it would heal well. We tried to make it to Urgent Care, but they were already closed. We decided to go to Greenview because they had way fewer cars in the parking lot than the Medical Center ER did, so we went there. We had never taken the babies there, so we didn't know for sure if they took their insurance or not, so Valarie went in to ask. They would not tell her. She came back to the car crying. They would not tell her if they took it or not. Now, that aggravated me, so I went in. I asked the same question, and they told me due to EMTALA Laws they could not tell me whether or not they took her insurance. I told her she needed to just say yes, or no. She refused. Now, I asked to speak to her supervisor. She called her. The supervisor told me the same thing. I said, now I am a nurse. I don't know every law, but I don't believe you. She told me she could not tell me.....but "nurse to nurse we do take it" -- I told her thanks that was all we were asking. She explained that they couldn't do anything to "deter treatment" -- I told her we weren't going to go back home, we would just go to the other ER if they didn't want us. We stayed, got right in and were on the way home in about an hour! That was a good thing. Bless his heart, he cried for over an hour. That big blister did not develop right away. But, as you can see from the picture in the ER, he became his usual happy baby after the initial pain eased. He is doing well today. I looked up the EMTALA Law, it says to me that they can't refuse treatment based on the patients ability to pay in a true life threatening emergency. It says nowhere that I could find that they could not tell us whether or not they could take his insurance.

Today was Rick's birthday. He would have been 63 today, an old man! I used to tease him about his age. He would tease me right back. I am doing OK.

We had my side of the family (everyone who could be here anyway) here for breakfast this morning. My brother Doug and most of his family were here. Josh and his wife and new baby are in Florida, that is where they live. Their new baby girl is precious. Heather and Jonas came for a little while and cousins Donna and Debbie Smith (Donna is a Hyatt now actually) and their mom came. We have always invited them to things before but they had not been able to make it here before, but today they made it. We had a great time I think. If they left hungry it was their own fault. We had biscuits and gravy, chocolate gravy, ham, bacon, sausage, eggs, fried taters, and jelly if they wanted it. I thought it was quite tasty! We went through about 6 pots of coffee, a container of OJ, almost a half gallon of minute maid fruit punch and chocolate milk. We have enough left over to feed another army. Nick's girlfriend Brooke was here by 6:30 to help and I put her to work! She fried all the bacon and sausage and some of the ham. I made about sixty biscuits, and have some left over! It was good! At least I think so, they all told me it was good.


I told Jake to look at me, he did and this is how he looked at me. I have gotten in trouble so many times for that "look" that we don't even know we are giving.......just saying!


I hope you all have a great day.

I love y'all.

To be continued...............

John 3:16 (King James Version)

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

It has been a good day, except missing one.......

So today was Thanksgiving Day. It was a very good day except I miss Rick. I guess I always will, especially this time of year. We met in the fall. We fell in love in the fall on a rainy night much like this one, except it was warm enough for us to take a long walk in the rain. You might think that is crazy, but that is what we did. Anyway, today was a good day filled with family. I was the first to arrive at my parents house. Then Jeffrey Ashley and Thomas came then the others filed in a few at a time. Pictured to the left is my niece Brittany and niece-in-law Ashley. They were watching mom and Thomas. He is so cute. Ashley has been around for I don't really know six or seven years counting when they were dating. They have been married maybe four or five years now. Ashley's mom and I went to high school together. We had several of the same classes all four years but especially the first two years. Marie's husband Gary (Ashley's dad) passed away about eighteen months ago from cancer. Little did we know Rick would be right behind him. The next picture is of Ashely and my nephew Jeffrey. I still remember when he was born. My first nephew. He had an imaginary friend when he was about three or four. Guess his name? Rick! Just after Rick met everyone on Thanksgiving of 1984, Jeffrey decided to claim him as his friend. It was so cute. Jeffrey was one of Rick's Pall Bearers.

Mom had all the usual Thanksgiving fixings today, turkey and dressing with gravy, ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, fried potatoes, baked beans, rolls, and numerous desserts. If anyone left hungry it was their own fault.

The cabinet was a find of Rick's. He found it at a sale back in the early 90's. His aunt Bonita used it in her kitchen for many years. She sent it home a couple of years ago. We made a place for it. I use the cubby for my cookbooks. I also keep a bowl of cooking implements sitting on the counter. I like it. I found the primitive tree at Kerr's this week, put a small string of clear lights on it and set it on the counter. I love it. It does not really have Christmas ornaments on it so I might leave it sitting there all year. I also placed the 2 white churches on top that we received when Rick passed away.

I hope each and everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that each one of us stops every day to offer thanks to the One above who makes each day possible. If I could list everything I was thankful for each day, I would never be able to stop writing.

1 Chronicles 29:11-11Ch 29:11 Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all. 12 Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all. 13 Now therefore, our God, we thank thee, and praise thy glorious name.

1 Thessalonians 5:18
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I love you all.

To be continued.............

Thanksgiving 2010 will be here in just under 2 hours

There is so much to be thankful for. If I could list all the things I am thankful for you would be reading for a while. Tonight at prayer meeting they sang a song "So Much to Thank Him For" and boy can I identify with that! I am thankful for God, salvation, that I have a better place to go when this life is over, that I know without a shadow of a doubt that Rick is there waiting for us, our little church and all the friends we have there, when we started going there about 8 or 9 years ago they took us in and treated us like family. And when the events of the past year started, they were right there. I am so blessed beyond words for my friends and family, friends that are just like family, my spot at Stockholm and all the memories I have of my time there, for Roy Page who stayed by my side until I made it through (even though I didn't admit it for almost a year), and all the family and friends I have there, that they were the ones to help my kids when they were lost--both of my children were saved there too, for the years I had with Rick and all the memories we shared--both good and not so good, that I was able to be there with him the entire last six weeks of his life, that he didn't have much pain with everything he went through, that I have a warm house to come home to, a decent vehicle to drive, a job, work friends, food on my table, health, I could go on and on. 2 or 3 weeks ago some of us on facebook started posting what we were thankful for every day, was just supposed to be until Thanksgiving. I may try to continue it a little further. We shall see.

So Much To Thank Him For

1) When I look around and see all the good things He's done for me

I know I'm unworthy of them all

For His blessings He freely gives, I owe my life to Him

I've got so much to thank Him for

Chorus:

And I've got so much to thank Him for, so much to praise Him for,

You see, He has been so good to me

And when I think of what He's done, and where He's brought me from

I've got so much to thank Him for

2) And sometimes, while on this Way, I stop to kneel and say,

"Thank you" for all He's done for me

And when I reach sweet Heaven's shore only just let me kneel once more

I've got so much to thank Him for

Chorus-- 2x

And when I think of what He's done, and where He's brought me from

I've got so much to thank Him for

I love y'all......
To be continued............

I made it through the first one........

Well, it is technically November 24 now, I made it through the first "anniversary of" with just a few tears. I thought about him all day today. At about one thirty I was thinking about our drive to the ER, as the sky darkened with the fall of night, I was thinking about that long drive I made alone to Nashville about 20 minutes behind the ambulance. But I really wasn't alone. God went with me and that still small voice kept repeating trust me to my heart, and still does today, and I talked to Brother Stephen for over half the trip. He and Brother David among many others were rocks to us during the illness. Sandy and Kathy, the Spencers, Bobby Joe, Keith, the Woosleys and Bullocks along with Nick and Becca, and 3 of Rick's sisters were all there on the day of surgery. They didn't leave us alone down there that day. We had our dear friends with us the day of surgery, we always had them with us even if they didn't make the trip. And there were many others as well who were always with us in spirit even though they couldn't be with us in body. Rick didn't want to put anyone out by having them there. I didn't want that either. But I am so grateful they were there.

November 23 had other meanings too. April Cline would have been 21 today. Brandon is here spending time with Nick. He misses his sister. You can see it in his eyes. But I think spending time with Nick has helped him.

November 23 had a good thing today, I have a new great niece....again! Twice in just a couple of months. This time it is my nephew Josh's new baby daughter. Adriana Elizabeth. Will have to wait to see who she looks like. She is tiny. 7 pounds 2 ounces. Babies everywhere!!!

Short post tonight.

I love y'all.

To be continued............

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

The wind has me anxious

Just watched the weather report. It may storm tonight. I don't like storms any more right now than I did this past summer. Boo. The wind is howling. I had to take down my star from the front porch, I was afraid it would blow away or worse, break the siding. The wind is strong! And we may have some snow?!? That is right, Thursday night the rain may end as snow. WOW! I guess it really is near the end of November.

One year ago tonight I had a bad feeling. I thought something was wrong with my husband. He said it was just tired. I let it go. Even if I had made him go that night, nothing would have changed. It was too late. Cancer was already invading his body. One thing of many to be thankful for was that in everything he went through, he really did not have very much pain. I am so grateful for that. One thing I would have loved to have changed was the way the steroids affected him. That was very difficult for him. He went for days not sleeping because of those. He rearranged my kitchen 2 or 3 times in the 4 or 5 weeks he was on the steroids. I am still finding infrequently used items in strange places. He was trying to help. I miss him. I miss him so much more than you could ever imagine.

I ask you all to remember in prayer all the families who have had tragedy's this past weekend and those who suffer serious illness. There are the 2 who were run down and killed trying to cross the road near the "new" walmart, there is the small child who strangled herself with a cord to the blinds this weekend, my cousin's wife who suffered a severe stroke and the family is being told she most likely will not survive, the man who wrecked on the Brownsville bridge today, Jennifer and her family, Stacey and her family and countless others who are seriously ill. Prayer is the answer to so many questions. Sometimes we do not know the question, sometimes we do not know how to or what to pray for, God knows. Just put forth the effort and He is right there to hear and answer in His way, in His time. I still hear Him say "trust me" to my heart on a daily basis just like He told me when I was knelt in that bathroom floor in the waiting room at Baptist December 1, 2009 when Dr. Hampf was operating on Rick. He will answer, just sometimes we don't want to listen to the answer He gives. We still have to trust Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I love y'all, goodnight.
To be continued............

I am not sure how to deal with this

As we get closer to 11/23/10, I find myself distracted, thinking about Rick and wondering what could have been had we discovered the tumor much earlier. I know, it happened exactly the way it was supposed to. But I can not help but wonder. God knows what He is doing every second of every minute of every hour of every day. He does not make mistakes. I know Rick is a winner. He testified to that very fact on Wednesday night the day he came home from the hospital after the tumor was found. It was Thanksgiving eve. It was also November 25, 2009. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of his difficulty ordering food that led us to investigate further on November 23. I will be working tomorrow, and home Tuesday. I hope to be distracted by my work that I won't dwell on what the date is.

And actually, I am sure how to deal with this. I must turn it over to Him. He is the One who will take this from me, help me deal with it and help me to move on. I will never forget Rick. I am not supposed to forget him. He was my world for almost 25 years.

Early this morning, my cousin's wife was flown by helicopter to a Louisville Hospital with a massive stroke. She is not doing well at all. Please pray for Linda and her family. If you are reading this, if you know "Sandy Buck" that used to work at the Minit Mart at Brownsville, it is her sister in law. If you are reading this and you work at the Medical Center, she is Tammy Childress' sister in law. Her name is Linda Childress. She and Sammy Dale have 2 sons (grown). They live in the Gap Hill community of Edmonson County. My heart goes out to them. I know the uncertainty they are facing.

I ask you to pray if you know the worth of prayer. I ask you to pray for Sam and Linda and their family, for Jennifer and Chad and their family, for Stacey and her husband and family and all the others who are suffering with serious illness and loss at this precious time of the year.

Matthew 7

7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I love you all.

To be continued........

I know I am not supposed to ask why

Today I found out that a friend of mine from work has a brain tumor. She is in the hospital in Nashville, had a preliminary surgery because the tumor is very vascular (it has a big blood supply). They were unable to block all the blood supply, but they were able to block most of it. It is the hope of the surgeons that it is a meningioma which is common and usually benign.

I pray that it is benign. She has a small child at home. She is the sweetest person you could ever want to meet. I felt like they didn't want to tell me about her, I found out because they were having a fundraiser for her and someone called the unit to remind us. Everyone I asked about it knew already.

If you are reading this and you know the worth of prayer, I ask you to whisper a prayer for my friend and her family. She is someone I love. I also ask you to remember another friend who is seriously ill in another way. She, too has a small daughter. She is someone I love. Both these girls could be my children. I am that old or they are that young...anyway. Please ask God to help them both.

I love y'all.

To be continued........

Old pictures... fond memories...

This is a picture of Rick and me from probably 1987--the year we moved to Massachusetts. It was taken at one of his sisters houses during a visit home. I think it was after he went there but before I went. He made 2 trips home during that period from March to July. He really worked hard when we moved to Massachusetts. His job with GM lasted the longest of any he had during our time together. During his last ten or so years he was retired from GM, and mostly gardened, fished, and cut wood, the chore he was doing when the tumor was found. Don't get me wrong--HE WORKED! When I say he gardened, I don't mean a few rows in the front yard, I mean acres and acres of beans, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, cabbage, and many other things. And he would double and sometimes triple crop some of the rows. We sold vegetables from May until October every year. Then firewood season came in and he sold hundreds of loads of wood. He didn't cut wood for a leisure activity, it was a fall money maker just like vegetables all spring, summer and early fall. Even his fishing wasn't leisure. It involved all 4 of us to get ready, then he and Norman would go set their lines, fish for bait, bait their lines and then run them in the early mornings. Then they would spend all day cleaning and putting up their catch. THEN we would have a big fry with fifty or sixty people here. He enjoyed that so much and we would have fry's 3 or 4 times a year every year. He wanted to have a fry before he passed away. He just got so sick and had to go to the hospital before that could happen. The picture of the garden was from May of 2009 and was only one section of many. What is represented in the photo is less than only about 1/4 of his garden and the pans you see here are from one days catch with Norman and his brother. They cleaned fish for about 4 hours that day. These fish then had to go into quart size freezer bags after soaking in salt water over night. You would not believe how many bags his portion of this bounty was. We still have about 10 or 15 bags left. I don't eat fish, so I probably need to get them out and give them to Norman. In 6 days it will be the one year anniversary of finding the tumor. I miss him. I wish I would wake and find out that this has just been a nightmare. I know that won't happen, but I can wish. I smelled his cologne yesterday while I was driving. I do that sometimes. I look at the babies and wish they could have known what a good man their papaw was. And how much he loved them. I love you all.

To be continued........

Just 10 days from the one year mark........

This picture was made last Thanksgiving at my Mom's house. It was November 26, just 3 days after the tumor was found. We knew at this point what the tumor most likely was and that we would have a difficult battle. What we did not know was just how little time we would have and that that Thanksgiving would be our last as a family the way it was. Now we are a family with one missing in body, ever present in our memory however. He looks healthy in this picture. By looking at this you would never know that in 14 weeks and 2 days he would be gone. He had a fighting spirit about him. He wanted to try whatever was recommended to try to survive the cancer. It just turned out that God had other plans.....plans which we do not understand. We are not meant to understand, just know that He knows what He is doing and we must remember that. And we must remember this scripture:

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I know I believe it, I really do. I just don't understand and part of me wants to now, not later. I think that is the human part of the equation. It is not meant for us to understand. My head knows that, but my heart has turned a deaf ear. As we get closer to the one year anniversary, I find myself wondering why a little more. I ask and still get the answer I got on the drive to Nashville November 23, 2009 "trust Me" ~ maybe He is testing my faith, I don't know. I am trying my best to maintain it. Dear friends and family, you have stood by us through out all of this. I ask that you continue to remember us in prayer when we cross your mind. I know I am not the first woman to lose a husband. But this is a first for me. There is an ever present learning curve to this. It was Rick and Myra for so very long (since October 2004~approximately a little over half my life) and it is so very difficult to be Myra without him. I hope you never have to experience this for yourself. It hurts every second of every day. And they say it gets easier as time goes by. I wonder when it will start.

I am not posting this to make anyone feel sorry for me. The whole point of this blog from day one was for me to have a place to vent how I feel, maybe help someone else and try to maintain some kind of sense of understanding by expressing how I feel.

I love you all.

To be continued..........

November good and bad

November has many good things about it. Thanksgiving comes in November. Thanksgiving has always been a very much celebrated holiday around my family. My papaw James loved "turkey day" and always wanted to buy the turkey that my mom would cook and sometimes mammaw would cook so we would go there. He always bought twice as much turkey as we needed but that was papaw. He was a James and you just don't argue with a James! I remember so many times going to their house, climbing up in his lap while he peeled a yellow delicious apple for me with his pocket knife and let me throw the peeling on the fire burning in the fireplace. The coal would crackle, the apple peeling would scent up the room. Such sweet memories!

So, other good things in November my baby brother Douglas Lee was born November 2, as was Uncle Lelan and his daughter Pauletta; my great nephew Jonas was born in November. Rick was born in November too. He would have been 63 this year. On his birthday this year, my family will come here for breakfast. Doug and his family will still be here from Thanksgiving. My friend Sandy has a birthday November 18. My cousin Donna has a birthday November 12. My sister in law Janice has a birthday November 26.

November has sad memories for me too. Monday November 9, 1981 my Papaw James died from complications from bleeding ulcers. November 22, 1984 (Thanksgiving night that year) my Aunt Val (who my daughter is named for) died from heart problems. Thursday November 17, 1994 my mammaw James died from complications from a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. Monday November 23, 2009 Rick was diagnosed with a "mass" in his brain. You know the rest of that story.

I love the Thanksgiving through Christmas season, I love to remember what the holidays stand for. I love this time of year. But it is always bittersweet. This year it will begin a new anniversary for us. It will add a new chapter to our lives. It begins marking the annual "anniversary of's" that will always be a part of us forevermore.

The other day I thought maybe I had grown some by the grace of God. A few days later I learned I had a lot more growing to do! I hope I can continue to grow, a little at a time and keep moving forward without taking too many steps back! I ask y'all to remember me and my family when you pray that we may continue to grow in His grace, that we may continue to remember Rick with love, miss him and never, ever forget what he stood for. We will try our best to remember you our friends and family who have stood by us through all of this. We love you all.

To be continued.......

The day is almost over and so far I made it......

Today marks the 8 month anniversary of Rick's death. I have been very busy at work today, the best thing I think. We were soooo busy today! But, today is behind us! I have made it to now without crying much. I still miss him like it was yesterday but I would not bring him back to suffer for anything in this world. He is at peace and one day we will be together again.

A few days ago a friend of mine challenged us to post as our status something we are thankful for every day until Thanksgiving. I am taking that to heart, at least for now. I have tried a gratitude journal once, it lasted a week or two, I missed one day and that did it. I plan to keep this up until Thanksgiving. We shall see. If you are reading this, I challenge you to go to my profile page and find that post, copy and paste it as your status then with the next post begin your gratitude postings. You will find it makes you stop and thing and Marsha was right, the farther you get into it, the more challenging it becomes.

3. I know the day is almost over but I am thankful for my job--it keeps a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, and food on my table. I always remain thankful for the One who died on the cross that I (and you if you want it) have an everlasting home when this life is over. ♥

2. Today I am thankful for my friends and family

1. Today I am thankful for my salvation...

The above one two and three are the things I have posted so far. We will see if I can continue it.

Now a few passages from one of my favorite books in the Bible. Know that Rick was reading this particular book when he became ill. He loved the songs of King David. I had not realized a lot about this man until I got into reading from the Psalms as well. King David was tested and tried, made mistakes, suffered the path of humble repentance on more than one occasion just as we all have. He found favor with God. We can all do that if we humble ourselves before Him and obey His will in our life. A very challenging project that I keep trying to reach for.

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God

Psalm 103: 8-17

There is a time for everything,
And a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace

This is all for tonight. Please consider the gratitude list. At least if you don't want to post it, keep it in your heart. I chose to post to help me keep my commitment. And one last thing if anyone knows how to turn off the nose faucet, please message me and let me know!!

I love you all. Good night.

To be continued.............

More random thoughts

Sometimes it amazes me as I review things I have written. Last night I must have been feeling sorry for myself. I do that sometimes. Don't mean to at all. I just get lonely. I do that a lot too. WOW! I have a cold, took cold medicine and had trouble sleeping last night and the fatigue and depression took over. No excuses. I am responsible for what I write for sure. I do know that tomorrow marks the 8 month anniversary of Rick's death, it is on a Saturday, and it was on a Saturday when he left. I miss him. He told me when we found out about the tumor and what it was that he did not want me to be like this. I told him I would try. I guess to honor him I must try harder because I am failing. He told me not to cry. I can't help it. We used to joke with each other about what we would do if one of us died. Looking back, it was surreal. We used to laugh and say "if I ever get rid of you....." If I could only take it back. I think we all do that to an extent. We mean no harm by it. Maybe I need to see someone to talk about this. I don't know. Dr. Phillips says it will take a while to not feel like this. He said he admired me for how strong I am. I am not strong! I am weak. I hope I didn't say anything to hurt anyone's feelings last post. If I did, please forgive me.

Val worked a few hours today. I wish her vehicle was fixed. It would save me a lot of travel! The babies are growing more and changing more every day! Little man has several words in his vocabulary. He says bubba, mammaw, momma, nanna, ba-ba, he can scream when he doesn't get his way, Tobi makes short sentences with three or four words. And she peed on the potty all day! YAY! What a good girl! I can't wait until Christmas and Santa, should be fun this year. My babies are growing up! I have to work Christmas day, but we can have Santa on Christmas eve. They are too little to know the difference right now. They won't play with their toys very long, they will want the boxes and wrappers more.

I wish someone would turn off my nose-faucet! And Kleenex are rough after 100's of uses in one day! I have been through one box already!

I think this is all for tonight.

I love you all.

Random thoughts again

In less than 2 days Rick will be gone 8 months. I miss him so much. There is so much I need him for and he is not here. There is so much I want to tell him, and I do. And I know what he would say to some things I want to tell him. I do call his cell phone from time to time and listen him tell me God loves me and have a nice day. It has been since January 27 (the day the breathing tube went down) since I have heard his voice. It is coming up on the one year anniversary of the tumor being found and his birthday just 4 days later and Thanksgiving is just right in the middle of all that. I am glad to have the day off this year! I hope that as time goes by I will feel the pain less. I don't know if that will happen or not.

Today I had a meeting at work. I went in for it. Went to supper then to training at the fire department after that. I am sure that I don't know if I want to stay with the department or not. I am leaning towards turning in everything. I just don't know yet. Sometimes I don't feel a part of. And when you don't feel part of something you don't want to be there. I know it is just me thinking that especially when I am tired because I feel that way at work too sometimes. And at home. Maybe I am just detached from life to not feel the pain so much. Maybe I shouldn't analyze things so much. And I know I let the devil work on my mind sometimes. The devil loves to sew discord in someone's heart so he can tear down good work. He is only as strong as we let him be. And lately I think I have let the devil cheat me out of a lot of life.

This week I asked my kids a certain question. Asked them both the same way and they both answered the same way. I was surprised in a way. Now, I am not considering even remotely the thing I asked them, but I just wondered what their answer would be. I found out. Maybe someday I will be comfortable enough to write about it. But for now, this is all I can do.

Perry Dale is taking a few steps from time to time. He is so cute toddling along. I can not believe he is a toddler now. He smiles and it melts my heart. He loves his gamma. And his gamma loves him!

I think this is all for tonight.

I love you all.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

To be continued..............