Tuesday, July 6, 2010

4 months today

Well, it has been 4 months tonight since Rick went away. I miss him as much tonight as I did in the beginning. I have had much anxiety today. I stayed home, stayed in my room mostly today because I didn't want to get out. I had meetings today that I should have gone in for. I couldn't go. I was afraid I would cry. I just don't know I pray and ask God to help me I want to have peace. That is all. I don't care that I cry, I just want some peace. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It does to me. I have had an anxious feeling all day. I took my medicine today. I still feel it. It has been a difficult weekend all the way around. Jenean lost her business, our anniversary, coming to terms with other things that have happened in my family. Nothing to do with mine and Rick's family. My head knows that I should accept the things I can not change which are many. My heart forgets though.

I am editing this at 11:36 pm tonight because I just read a post in another blog related to the following Bible passages. I am struggling right now with the "but what if He doesn't?" I wanted Rick to be healed. God had other plans.

From the Book of Daniel KJV

3:15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?

3:16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

3:17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

3:19 Then was Nebuchadnezzar full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated.

3:20 And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.

3:21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:22 Therefore because the king's commandment was urgent, and the furnace exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

3:26 Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

3:27 And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

So these 3 men faced the fiery furnace believing that God would deliver them, but even if He didn't, they were assured of a place in Heaven and they would not bow to the king. I need to get to the accepting part of the fact that I didn't get my way in Ricks illness. I love the Lord, my God with all my heart. I don't blame Him for taking Rick. I miss him every waking hour. I dream about him. But I don't blame God.

John has been posting this (Daniel 3:15) since he and Hilary found out that their new baby would most likely be born with spina bifida. I have been following Hilary's blog for some time now, and I find what they are posting helpful in my life as well. I also have another passage I have posted before:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My head knows all of this is true. I am working on my heart. I have never been down this road before. I never want to travel it again. It has been said God will not put more on us than we can bear. I believe I am there. Please remember us in your prayers.

I love you all.

To be continued....

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