First time in eleven years!

So eleven years ago I had surgery to fix my GERD (Gastro-esophageal reflux disease) aka heartburn! It is called a Nissen Fundoplication. I was on the most medication you could be on and still had reflux so bad my esophagus burned like I had swallowed fire every day. It did not matter what I ate or drank or how much Maalox I drank in addition to the very expensive acid reducing medication that I was so thankful that my insurance paid for the most of it. Couldn't sleep very well for the reflux, even in the recliner. Had reflux standing up, which is unusual. Before surgery, I had to have many tests including a barium swallow which allows the esophagus to be watched while you swallow chalky stuff that they can watch in real time. I watched too and it was so weird to see me swallow the stuff down and watch it come back up at the same time even when standing. The insurance company could not say no to the surgery. A lot of times, in fact the most common way to perform this procedure is laparoscopic. And Dr. Terry tried to do just that but because of my previous gall bladder surgery he was unable to do that. I had adhesions (like scar tissue in my stomach area) that prevented him from being able to go through the scope. It would have hurt a lot less that way.

This is a diagram of the procedure

After surgery, I wish I had said no. It was the most painful procedure I had ever had. (2 c-sections, gall bladder and a few cysts on a couple of joints is all) But after recovery I was very glad I had the procedure until I got food poisoning. I have not been able to throw up since the surgery. As bad as I hate to throw up, I really wanted to then. Got it again the day before Christmas eve 2009. Still can't throw up.

Rick stayed with me and took care of me the first two nights. But then he needed to go back home because of the kids. They were too little to stay a week by them selves. And we didn't want to impose on Nana.

And I had not experienced any heartburn in all this time until tonight! I am so hoping that this is from the chili I had for supper (and I have had chili many, many times since with nothing like this!) and not that the reflux is returning! I can not go through that again! Well, at least I don't want to go through that again! Keep your fingers crossed that some Prevacid OTC will take care of it!

I miss Rick. Eleven more days to that one year anniversary. I dreamed about him again last night.

I would ask you to remember my friend Betty Rae and her husband and their family. They lost their granddaughter yesterday to cancer. And my friend from first grade Maria found out very recently her mom has cancer. Chemo starts this week. Please, please remember them in your prayers. And also, please pray for a cure for that awful disease that painfully takes our loved ones from us.

I will leave you with this:

1 Corinthians 13

¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

⁴Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

⁶Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

⁷Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

⁸Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

⁹For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

¹⁰But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

¹¹When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

¹²For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

¹³And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

James 5:16

Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

I love y'all!

To be continued...............

Another day............

So when I came home from work tonight, this beautiful little girl was ready to play! I had not really seen her in 2 days because she is usually asleep when I get home from work. She met me at the door and had to lay down in Gamma's bed. Of course, she only wanted to play. I let her play for about an hour, then Val put her to bed. She can climb out of the bed now.


This is Aunt Bonita with Rick. It was taken last year at her surprise birthday party. Rick worked hard along with some other good folks to pull off the surprise. They did a great job! They started planning long before we found the tumor. He stayed well long enough to be able to attend. It would be less than two weeks after that party that he would make his final trip to the hospital.

❤

I would not take anything for this picture. He loved her so much!

Friday is Valarie's birthday. She will be 25 years old. I can not believe she could be that old! I ordered her a Tigger cake. Tigger is still her favorite!

I love you all.
To be continued..............

Ever get too tired to sleep?

That is how I feel right now! It was another busy day at work! I guess that is what work is for though - to be busy! That is what they pay me for! I do wish I had a magic wand that I could make everyone well. Friends of mine have seriously ill family members, saw their posts on facebook. I wish I could make them well for them, too! And I do it all over again tomorrow!

Ran into an old friend of Rick's today. He had not heard about Rick's illness or death. He remembered me and asked about Ricky. I told him he'd passed away. I could tell it made him very uncomfortable. He felt bad that he didn't know. I told him it was OK. And I didn't cry when I told him about it. I was proud of myself for that! I didn't intend to post anything tonight, so tired, but then I felt the need to write a little.

Been doing a little cooking lately. Made 2 chocolate pies and took to work the other day. Homemade crust and all, no mixes, one pie was gone before lunch! The other didn't make it to 3pm! They were pretty good. Then over the weekend I made fudge. It was pretty good too!

This picture below is of the home made chocolate fudge made the old fashioned way no marshmallow creme in this stuff. Sugar, cocoa powder, dash of salt, milk butter and vanilla.....cook and stir to soft ball stage then cool and beat until it looses its gloss, took forty five minutes or so to finish but it was worth every second!
And this picture is of about 100 of the 100's and 100's of blackbirds that were in my yard on Sunday! They flew in and wanted to eat all my bird seed! Nick shot the shotgun in the air about 3 times, scared them away, unfortunately to Chris and Megans' across the field, so he shot again and they went farther down their road towards 1749. Hope they went on to Butler Co.!
Tobi and Perry were so excited to see the birds! They don't understand that this type of bird can make you sick.

Histoplasmosis is caused by a fungus (Histoplasma capsulatum) can be found in roosting areas of many birds including the blackbird. Another bird that carries that disease is the pigeon.

I can't say I have ever seen a case of Histoplasmosis, but I do know it can make you almost as sick as TB can. Serious illness! Take care and run off those birds......but keep them going away from us, not towards us!

I do have a couple of bird feeders, I like to feed the red birds and finches. Unfortunately, the blue jays and city birds are around too. They will all have to share!

Psalm 9 King James Version

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1 I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvelous works.
2I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.

Psalm 25 King James Version

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1 Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.

2O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.

3Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.

4Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths.

5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

6Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy loving kindnesses; for they have been ever of old.

7Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.

8Good and upright is the LORD: therefore will he teach sinners in the way.

I love the Psalms, did I say that yet? I love y'all! I hope everyone has a blessed week. Remember in prayer those who have illness in their families. Remember in prayer those you love. You don't know what they might be going through and don't show it. Remember in prayer your friends and neighbors. Remember who your neighbors are!

To be continued...........

Sleepless in WIngfield!

So I was just looking through pictures today. This is one of the only family portraits we ever had made, and I "won" the sitting fee. Valarie was about 15 months old when this was taken. About the same age as Perry Dale is right now. This was taken just before Rick moved to Massachusetts to work for GM in 1987. It was also taken about 3 and a half years before Nick had come along. I had just had the first miscarriage about 4 or 5 months prior to this picture and had finally come to terms with it.

This picture was taken over Easter the next year. It was at one of his sister's house. I think it was at Melinda's. We had been living in Massachusetts about a year at that time, at least he had. He went in March and I went in June/July. Can't remember exactly. I know I had my gall bladder out mid June and we moved when I had been out of the hospital only about 3 weeks or so. It was also the weekend that my high school class had our 10 year reunion. I was half way to MA the day of the dinner so I didn't get to go. I have been to the others though.

This picture was one he was so very proud of. Our daughter graduating from high school. She looks really enthused doesn't she! But look how proud her daddy was! She was 19 years old. I wonder if the tumor was there then? Look how tan he was already. It was just May. He had already finished one crop of cabbage by this point and had other things planted. Gardening was his pride as well!
This picture is from one of the last Sunday morning breakfasts he was able to be at.....so it was about a year or so ago. He actually looks pretty good in this picture.

And I have Tonya Lynn to thank for this wonderful picture of me! Look out Tonya, you are not out of the woods yet, I didn't know you took this shot! This is New Years Eve just before midnight. We were in Sandy's kitchen singing. (Not that I can sing, I have more James, Pierce, Bird, Brooks, Stice or something than Childress when it comes to singing!)

I am not the only one in this house not sleeping tonight. It is almost 1am and Tobi Rose is still wide awake and going strong! She has played with my cell phone, she can play angry birds, though she shoots the bird the wrong way most of the time. She also can play bejeweled a little, she can get about a thousand points, not bad for a two year old! I do wish she would go to sleep though.

Today was just one of those days when I really didn't want to do anything! And I didn't! I have off one more day, then back to work. I will have do at least do some laundry tomorrow!

I will leave you with this:


Psalms 25

1	Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.
2	O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.
3	Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.
4	Show me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths.
5	Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
6	Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy loving-kindnesses; for they have been ever of old.
7	Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.

I love the beautiful Songs of King David! Rick was reading the Psalms when he went to the hospital the last time.

I love y'all!

To be continued.............

January Memories!

January has lots of memories for me. Some are good, some are not so good. I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. I believe we are much stronger and able to handle much more than we think we can. Doesn't make our pain any less, just something we have to do.

Some of the good memories:
My Mamaw Childress' birthday was in January
My father in law's birthday was in January
Valarie Kristen Sanders made her debut into this world 2.5 weeks late on January 14, 1986. She weighed in at 10 pounds 5 and 1/4 ounces. She was 22 inches long.
Aunt Bonita's birthday is in January and is actually in just a few days! I must mail a card TOMORROW so she will get it in time! I have been lax lately in sending cards.
I met a lot of my friends in TN beginning in January 1991. I am sure there are others, just these stick out and are readily there......

Not so good memories:
Challenger exploded January 28, 1986. I was watching the launch while I was trying to feed Valarie who was 2 weeks old. It wasn't going so well. The poor child was hungry. I gave up and was feeding her her first formula and had the TV on channel 4. I was watching the launch as I had done many times before, I love space travel! Anyway, I saw the explosion as did 100's of other people watching. And like them, I had not a clue at first what was going on. That is something I will never forget.

But my worst January memory is of January 23, 2010. That was the last time Rick was ever in our home. He was struggling for every breath and I made him go to the ER. He never came home again. He didn't want to go. He only did it because I wanted him to. If I could do it over, I think I would have done it the same way, except I might have made him go sooner in the day, not that there could have been a different outcome by going earlier. But even that day had good points to it. All it took was one phone call to 911 and within seconds help was arriving. I am serious. First responders were here so quickly. As soon as the page went out WVFD rallied around their own. The community really came together for us. And stayed with us through out the whole ordeal and after. We have wonderful neighbors!

Is seems that as we get closer to January 23, I am having more frequent dreams of Rick. I dream about him several times a week and not about the illness. I have had garden dreams and fishing dreams. I really didn't like fishing, but when he went, it involved all 4 of us until we got him ready. I am also finding I am having restless periods where I can not get comfortable along with anxiety. I am crying more frequently than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat right now. I don't know if it is the fact we are approaching that anniversary or the cloudy rainy snowy weather or both. It is hard to go to sleep, then it is hard to wake up when it is time.

I suppose it is all still a part of grieving and one day it will be better.

I ran into Rick's cousin, Beth today when I went into Sam's Club for a case of diapers. She had already been in there and had to go back in for a couple of things she forgot. I also had lunch there. Did you know you can get a great lunch for under $2.00 at Sam's? Well, first you gotta love hot dogs. But let me tell you, every time Rick and I went to Sam's we had lunch there, we had a hot dog and coke. It is really under two dollars! And it is good! Anyway, it was good to see Beth today. She has been there for us too during and after Rick's illness even though there was quite an age difference. She is really young enough to be a daughter instead of a cousin. Her dad and Rick grew up together, Rick was a little older than her dad, but they are first cousins. Their moms were sisters. His whole family has been there for each other during and after his illness and death. And they treat me still like part of their family. I married into good people!


Psalm 18

1	I will love thee, O LORD, my strength.
2	The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
3	I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

I love you all.

To be continued.........

Remember, this blog is not meant to generate sympathy, it is simply a tool to help me through my grief for as long as I need it -- even if no one ever reads it except me!

Welcome 2011

So this morning I woke up with a "startle" it was way too light for where I needed to be.....checked the clock and it was 7:15 am. Should have been at work 15 minutes ago. Oh, DEAR!! I phoned into work, told Pam what was going on, and that I would be there ASAP! I was there by 8am thanks to Nicholas. April gave report to a resource nurse so she didn't have to stay. So my 2011 work year started with a bang so to speak. I really didn't get too flustered though. I just got there, got report from Larry and went on about my day. It was a pretty good day all in all. A few people teased me for being late. Hey, only the third time in 32 years and the second was just a couple months ago. The first time was way back in the eighties, I guess I had traded a day with someone and didn't remember. I was about an hour late because I was on my way to the lake when they called me to see where I was. This morning no one had called ~ I beat them to it I guess. I am always there by 7am, I don't know where they thought I was. I have tried to "fix" my cell alarm several times today, it acts like it will work but then when the time comes, it doesn't alarm. I have no clue what is wrong with it. I had to go back to the old fashioned alarm clock for tomorrow. I am a bit gun shy about it though!

It looked so warm outside today, but I understand it was pretty cool! I think it is supposed to be warmer tomorrow. I wish I could just stay home all the time. I really would love it! Anyway. I need to be asleep, I wish I was sleepy! Guess it was the extra sleep this morning, LOL!

I missed breakfast at Nana's this morning. I really wish I didn't have to work weekends. I didn't get to go to church tonight either. Don't get home in time to go to the night services, and of course miss the day service when I work weekends. Every time we have a 5th weekend it changes the weekend off/on cycle. With church being on the 1st and 3rd weekend right now I work, but guess what, there is a 5th weekend this month so in February I get to go back, that is until there is another 5th weekend.

I need to be thinking about taking my vacation time for the year. If I don't request early, I might not get what I would like off, so I must request soon! Maybe I can do that tomorrow! I would like to be off April 21 through 28, my brother who lives in Ohio and his family will likely be home during that time. I would like to be able to spend a little time with them. Seems like I work nearly every day they are here every time they come "home". I also am wondering about the rest of the year, it will be my July 4th to work this year. Don't know right now if I will be working the weekend before or not, July 3rd would have been Rick and my anniversary. It would have been 26 years this year. I hope I am off that weekend. I may have to request it off if I have to work, don't know if I can work that day or not. I am doing OK I think, I still cry easily, I don't know what is normal and I don't know if there even is a normal for this.

Just 21 days............

In 12 days our firstborn will turn 25 years old. Hummm. I am old. Happy Birthday Punkin Head!

To be continued..........

I love y'all!

I love the Psalms!

Psalm 57

5 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Thy glory be above all the earth.

Goodbye 2010

Well, another year has passed. As I look back on 2010, I have many bitter-sweet memories. It was a year filled with firsts for me. Really don't want any do-overs of some of them either! Still, there is not a day goes by that I don't think about Rick. Last night I had the pleasure of spending New Years Eve with good friends. We brought in the new year in true Miller style! Lots of food, fun, songs, stories! Lots of looking back, laughter, remembering funny things about Rick like the 2 liter coke incident -- it happened twice last night before I got there. And most all the folks attending were present when Rick dropped the 2 liter coke and had flashbacks. They were still laughing about it when I finally got there. The picture above and to the left is Ray and Kathy Massey and their granddaughter Faith.

2011 got off to a decent start today I think. Got to sleep late today, which was good since it was after 3 am before I finally got to sleep. I hope tonight goes better since I have to work tomorrow! Nick and I rode into town this afternoon. I cannot believe gas is still over $3.00 a gallon. That is just ridiculous! Someone should really do something about that. I have no idea what but is seems to me some politician somewhere could make the gas people fix this problem. Enough of that.





Don't worry; be happy! It's just sparkling grape juice! :)







So, I have to work tomorrow. I hope that all of you have a great 2011!

I love y'all!

To be continued...................

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

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Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.