Today brought back memories

So this morning was a very nice morning, the sky was so blue and even though there was a chill in the air, the sun warmed me right up. I went out barefoot and messed around in the yard a little. Then the clouds rolled in and the drizzle started and the chill went to the bone. I had to turn the heat back on and I have yet to warm up.

This time of the year also brings memories of springs past. If Rick was still here, we would probably already have the taters in the ground. He liked to get them in before the middle of March. He always wanted to be the first to have his vegetables ready. He and Bobbie Joe and Norman always competed to see who could get the first tomatoes. Very good memories. Very good. :)

The photo above is the "new" grouping I finally put up. I have spent the past 3 years slowly changing my 'decor' in the living room from 'country' to 'primitive country' and I am still not finished yet. I still need border in the living room. Somehow hummingbirds and pink flowers don't strike me as 'primitive' country decor. And the paint needs to be freshened. I am not a painter though. I should have paint left over from a couple of years ago when we freshened the paint. Somehow there are little hand prints all over my walls! Love my babies.

I think that is all for tonight. I would ask you to remember your friends and neighbors in prayer. We all need prayer. I know I do. And I need to remember something Brother Steve used to say..."pray til you pray" I really need to do that. It has been a while.

Don't forget, we are coming into Easter season soon. Remember the reason for the season!

John 3:16 (King James Version)

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

I love y'all.
To be continued...........

Whew!

I bleed blue, do you?
So last night was UK's game in the Sweet 16. I have been having a little trouble with my nerves over the past year, can't imagine why! But anyway, UK is doing absolutely NOTHING to help that! I tried to watch the game, as I do every time they play, but for some reason, I can't bear it to watch them. They actually get on my nerves when they mess up. It seems so easy from this side of the floor so to speak. Keep you hands to yourself, get the ball and put it in the hoop. Repeat as many times as possible in 2 fifteen minute half's. Get your position when the opponent has the ball so he fouls you, keep your cool and take it like a man, and win. Yeah, right. UK has never been able to keep their hands to themselves. They are a very forward playing team, they are assertive. I don't want to say agressive, but I guess they are that too. I just want to win. And when I see them in foul trouble, missing free throws, missing 3's....you know the drill I just want to yell at them to get their act together. These behind by x points then ahead by 2 or 4 points, then behind again takes a toll on the old person's nerves. I just want to win. Period. And to all the haters out there, I am sorry for you. I don't hate your little red birds or whoever else you are for, I just like UK best. UK is THE University of KY. Period. And my blood IS blue!

Rick's blood was blue too. He loved the Cats. He never missed a game. Neither did his dad. They would talk on the phone just before game time. We always had to know when the game would be.
He didn't really watch any other sports, not even the super bowl. Really. He would watch if I wanted to but that was all. I would watch the Titans play football on TV, but he would go get on the computer most of the time.

I had a dream the other morning. It was about Rick and went like this:

I had been somewhere and when I came home, Valarie met me at the door. She was so excited and said "look whose here" and I looked to the red rocking chair and there sat Rick eating a bowl of cereal. He would have a bowl of cereal every night. He was smiling, a little mad at me wanting to know why I let them do that to him and happy to be home.

Then I woke up. I don't believe it could have lasted over a few seconds. I had already been awake and made a pot of coffee that morning and laid back down just to wait for it to brew when I dozed off. It kind of disturbed me at first, then I just thought about it some more. Maybe someone was correct, maybe it was a visit so to speak in my dream and it was to reassure me everything is alright. Maybe. Maybe it was just a dream.

I love y'all.
To be continued.............

I intend to keep posting here as well as the new blog

Today I had an idea for a new blog. I don't know how long it will last, but it is just about stuff, recipes and whatever, with a couple of links to sites I like. If you are interested, you can access it on my regular blog page. I think it is fun, at least so far.

This blog has been an outlet for my feelings for quite some time now. I do cry when I write and I do cry when I re-read it. I don't write it to cause anyone else to cry, but especially if you know us, you most likely will. Not every post will make you cry, but the majority will. I think you will not need the Kleenex box close by tonight.

Today, I was looking at my flowers, and seeing what was blooming, what was coming up etc. Rick always loved the flowers and left that to me. HaHa. He had the green thumb, not me! So I have this patch of wild flowers that have been here since long before I was ever in Wingfield and I was looking at what was there and found this small nest. It is very close to the ground, about 3 inches or so above it and it is about 3 inches in diameter. I have no idea what kind of nest it is. I think it is too big to be a hummingbird nest, and they are not even here yet. But they will be soon. Anyway, if anyone knows what this belongs to, please let me know! One cousin thought it might be a wren, a friend thought it might be a sparrow. If Mr. Smith was still alive, he would know! I miss him.

I love spring! I don't love these "winters" we have to go through though. I think this one is redbud winter and/or dogwood winter. The redbuds here are in full bloom and the dogwoods are budding. We have Easter squall, linen britches and blackberry winters still to go as well, there may be more, I just can't think of them all right now! And Easter is late this year, April 24 to be exact. So that means we can still have snow and freezing rain and I really hate that. Easter is never on the same day! It is determined by some ancient calendar where they take the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21st. So if the moon is full March 19 for example it will be 4 more weeks until we have Easter. And let's remember the reason for the Easter season!

I will go for now.....
I love y'all!
To be continued.....................
Remember:

John 3:16 (King James Version)

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

March

Carlos B. Sanders at our house after a family dinner.

Well, today was the first full day of spring! Happy spring to everyone. March has some good points! Tomorrow my Mom will be 72 years old. I can always remember how old she is because she is 20 years 2 months and 5 days older than me. Now, Pop's birthday is October 31, and I will never forget that lol but how old he is? I can not remember! Never have been able to remember that! I have no clue why. I can remember many birthdays, many other dates but I can not remember how old my dad is. I don't understand it!

March has difficult points for me too. Rick lost his battle with cancer in March. But three years ago, my father in law lost his battle with cancer. We had Nick in the ER after an injury March 2, 2008, he had been hurt working around the house. I was working that day. As Rick was leaving the ER with Nick, Carlos called. He was in a lot of pain and his breathing wasn't too good. He wanted to come to the ER. Well, Rick was tired from being there all day already so he called his sister Beverly. She went to Authur Road and brought him to the ER. They did a CT scan on his chest and discovered a tumor. We really knew about the tumor from a few years earlier from a CT scan at the VA but it had never changed and I'd just had him to the VA in January. Anyway, the ER doctor did a CT of his chest and the tumor had grown significantly. They admitted him. He stayed in the hospital several days and went home. He had only been home 2 or 3 days when he needed to go back to the hospital. He was there several days again, and we took turns staying with him. On Thursday evening, I stayed. He changed dramatically overnight. He did not want surgery. He did not want radiation or chemo. By morning a man that just the day before could walk alone needed 2 person assist just to walk a few steps to the bathroom! Friday morning we had a "change of the guard" but I lingered around. I wanted to see Dr. Kaul when he rounded. Carlos wanted to go home. We all talked about it and all agreed we would take turns and stay with him. We set the wheels in motion and got him home by Friday evening. That was March 21. Melinda and Beverly stayed with him. He had visitors all day Saturday and was able to talk with his sisters Inez and Delta. They even had a little coffee. Hospice had been consulted, he had adequate pain control finally and had rested Friday night. He fell asleep sitting on the side of the bed. My turn came about 4pm. The girls went home. About seven pm, his breathing changed. Rick was in Owensboro for a meeting he needed to be at, and was supposed to come home Sunday. Nick arrived. We repositioned Carlos. He would not wake up. About seven pm his breathing changed. I called Rick. I told him he needed to get home asap, that his dad was not doing well. Then I called the girls. I think they thought I was over reacting at first. Rick told me he was so glad he listened and came on home. He thought I was being an over cautious nurse. Thirty years as a nurse said I wasn't. The nurse in me saw changes that indicated he would not live much longer. The good thing is that everyone who wanted to be there was. His children, grandchildren and in-laws were there when the last breath left his body. It was a very peaceful end. And the girls cried. And Rick cried. And the grandchildren cried. I cried. The girls husbands were there for them.

Carlos loved that Rick and I were in the Farmers Market at Brownsville. He would come sit with us some. He loved to come to see Rick's garden. He would never say he liked it, but you could tell he did. It wasn't Carlos to compliment too much. That was just not him. But I think - no I know - he loved his family. And I know we all loved him.

I love y'all.
To be continued............

March Lilies are blooming

Butter cups or Ranunculus

March Lilies or Jonquils or Narcissus

March Lilies also known as jonquils or Narcissus are in bloom now. I love March lilies. They are a sure sign spring is near! And they are blooming all over the place. I have several varieties and they are coming up and some are in full bloom. There are some that will bloom in a few weeks from now as well. I love them! Most of the ones here are native to this property.

This time of year also means it won't be long til people will be getting their gardens ready. We would be preparing to plant potatoes as soon as it would be dry enough by now.

Hyacinthus are blooming as well. They are not native to this farm, but I did plant a few. They spread like wildfire! Then there is that orange flower that grows wild around here that resembles a tiger lily but it is not! They are pretty flowers but they invade everything around them!

I also noticed my lilac bush, poor thing, is beginning to bud. I hope it lives. The Bradford pear is also trying to bloom. I hope these flowers and trees are not getting too big for their britches! Easter is late this year, and it can still frost on past Easter! Rick's rose bush got run over by accident. I hope it comes out of it. He bought it, it was so puny. It was like a Charlie Brown tree. then it just started growing and growing and blooms until frost! And if I could grow a forsythia, I would be pretty happy! I have never been able to get one to grow! And I love the yellow flowers!

My magnolia tree is growing again too! I hope the cold didn't hurt it too bad. It needs some coffee and vinegar for a while. The red buds need that too. I also hope the cicadas don't hurt too much! Rumor has it they will be bad this year.

John 3:16

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

We are getting close to Easter, just a month or so away. Please take time to remember what this season means. This time of year is a reminder of what our Lord did for us. He was whipped with such cruelty, led to a hill called Golgotha carrying the cross that he would hang on, was nailed to the cross and died for us. This season is not about cute bunnies, hunting eggs, or any other thing we all do, it is about the One who died for us. Let us remember Him and honor Him. Now, I am not knocking hunting eggs or having Easter celebrations. Just remember why we have the season, that is all! Hey, I am the first one to hunt eggs! My house is already decorated for Easter! Cute bunnies and chicks and all! I even have a couple of Easter trees as well as dish towels with cute bunnies........

I love y'all!
To be continued.............

RIP friend

One of the first things I learned this morning was that a friend from work had lost her battle with cancer. I really hate that disease. It has taken so many people that I know and love. I really wish someone somewhere would discover/invent a cure for it. There are really so many kinds of it that I guess a cure would be nearly impossible. But maybe one day there will be a cure found.

My prayer is that Michelle's family finds peace and comfort in the coming weeks. All the feelings they will experience will become part of who they are in the coming months. I don't know her husband at all, but I know how he feels right now. I pray her husband and son find comfort from the One who can grant it.

As you go through your week, please remember them in prayer.

I also ask you to sit down and think about your last checkup. Is it time for it again? Cancer is something that can sneak up on you before you even know you have it. Remember, Rick's was a stage IV when it was found. There are only IV stages. There were such few and vague symptoms........get your checkup for yourself and for those who love you. You won't regret it. Just because you don't know doesn't mean it can't hurt you! As fast as it took Rick, had he not gone to the ER that day would I have taken him later? Would I or one of the kids have found him dead? Even though he could not be cured and Michelle could not be cured, they found out about and fought their cancer. Many people find out about and fight cancer every day. And they win. Early detection is the key. Please get checked! Ladies get your mammogram and pap tests and colonoscopies if they are due, guys, get your PSA's and colonoscopies too.....lets keep you around and healthy!

Love y'all!
To be continued...............

1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: 2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us Romans 5:1-5

Making a difference

If you know me, then you know how much I love all the Star Trek movies, series etc. Tonight there is a Star Trek marathon on SyFy again. I love it. I love to watch Star Trek every time it is on. Rick hated it, but he could watch The Next Generation a little and knew who most of the regular characters were. He didn't like to admit it though. Anyway, I am watching the Generations movie and Picard and Kirk are talking about making a difference. It got me to thinking about that very subject.

I want to make a difference in peoples lives. I do. I want to make a difference in my kids lives, my grandchildrens lives, my co-workers lives, my friends lives, my patients and their families lives. That is one of the main reasons I became a nurse was to help people. And to do that we have to make a difference. However small or large that difference is, we have to make a difference. I want to make a difference in the lives of everyone I come into contact with in some way. I want that difference to be positive.

In my kids lives I want to be an example to them of the right things to do. I want to show them by doing, not by telling them. I have been lacking in this lately.

In my grandchildrens lives I want the same thing. I want them to know the Lord when it is time for that, I want them to understand what it means to serve Him.

In my co-workers and patients lives I want them to feel like I have helped them in some way. If in the case of my patients, I want them to feel better at the end of my shift than they did when I met them in the morning. I want my co-workers to feel like I have helped them in some positive way at the end of our shift together. I don't think I have been acting much like that the past few weeks. Time to make it better. I want my patients families to feel like I have helped their loved one during our time together. I want the new nurses and the student nurses I come in contact with to feel like I have taught them something during our time together. I want them to part from me feeling like our time was productive.

I want my friends to know that I love them and I would help them with anything that I possibly could. I want them to know they can come to me for anything and if I can manage it, I will help. I want them to feel like I love them, and that they know all they gotta do is make me aware of whatever it is and I will help if I possibly can. I want to remember them when I pray. I want to be remembered when they pray, and I am. I can feel that.

And I want to be ready to do the next right thing whatever and whenever that is.

I also want my Lord to know how much I love and depend on Him to see me through this life. And He has and He does daily. I could live strictly for Him every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life, live to be 120 years old and could never repay Him for his generosity to me. He is so merciful to me and my family. I love the Lord with all my heart. I want to serve Him in my life every day. I want those who come into contact with me to see that I live for Him without my having to say a word. I was there once and I know how to get back to that. I have been somewhat lax in that area of late. I have been somewhat distracted.

Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.

I want to live each day with no regrets. I don't want to have to wonder if I did the right thing. I want it to be an automatic response. The above quote has a lot to say too. It is a quote from the Star Trek Generations movie. Captain Picard said it near the end of the movie. I want to live each day in service to my Lord. I want to be ready to help someone if they come in our doors and want help, I have so many family I would love to see there with me.

I love y'all.
To be continued............

Smile

I actually made it through the first year. It has actually been one year and 2 days, and I have some regrets, but those are for me right now. I am not ready to put them down yet. May never. We will see. I miss Rick more than anyone could know unless you have been through it yourself. I know things will never be the same. I guess they're not meant to, really. I guess it is all part of life and life goes on as it is supposed to until that day when the trumpet of the Lord shall sound and time will be no more then we will all be together again if we are ready to go. And I am ready to go......don't take that wrong. I don't want to go yet. I would like to stick around a little longer. When my time comes, though I have a better place to go. There is a song about that too.

I had balloon pump call today which means I am on call to go into work if we have someone on a balloon pump, non-medical friends, this is a pump that helps your heart rest. I had to go in for several hours. I guess I probably made some mad at me. Oh, well. I just asked why they made the assignment the way they did. Didn't mean to offend them. They ask us that same question if they don't like what they see. And it wasn't that I didn't like what my assignment was, it was a great assignment, but I guess I just didn't understand and they didn't either. Obviously. I didn't have the same assignment that I'd had the day before which was having it back was logical to me, and I didn't have the pump which would have been too logical, instead I had a different assignment and then had to report off to someone when if I'd had the pump, I could have just gone on home and nothing else would have changed. That would have been too easy I guess. Oh, well. It is water under the bridge now. I do have to work on my reaction to the assignment though. Rick always fussed when I had call and had to go in. I told him that it was part of it. He always wanted me around. I guess he was kinda fond of me. Maybe. I know I was kinda fond of him.

Tobi told her great-grandmother that her belly hurt the other night. Mary Lou asked her why it was hurting. She said, "because, Mammaw, there is a baby in it!" Gotta love kids! I haven't seen them in a few days. I miss them.

I love y'all.
To be continued............

One year ago

In just a few minutes from the onset of writing this post it will be one year since you went away. In many ways it seems like yesterday. In many more ways it seems so much longer since I could touch you or hear your voice or see you stand for the Lord. Part of tonight's sermon was on bearing the fruit. I am so very thankful that I witnessed that fruit from you so many times! That is one thing that makes it bearable that you are gone because I know you are in a better place than I am. And I know one day I will see you again.

I am selfish though. I miss you so much. But on the other hand, I would not have you suffer one more second. You struggled and fought for 6 weeks almost to the hour from the time you were admitted to ICU til you went on.

God said enough. And so it was. Your breath just stopped and your sweet heart stopped beating and I had one hand and our daughter had the other and our son was in the room and many, many friends and family were in the room and outside in the hall. And the ones that couldn't be there in body were there in spirit.

Nana and Papaw had the babies at our house so Val could be there. Noots sang your song for you. Aunt Bonita and Aunt Erma sang another for you. We cried. We said bye. And it was the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. But by the grace of God, I am trying to cope. But we had church tonight and before I left it came to me "you didn't get ready for this service" and I didn't. I have to do better because I promised you I would hold on to this for our babies. They will need this one day if time stands.

I miss you and I love you. I visited your grave earlier. It is so peaceful there. You got where you were going. Some day I will join you.

To be continued...........
I love y'all.

Sweet memories

When you smiled this smile at me one year ago today, I had such hope to bring you home!

I will remember when for both of us. One year ago today I had high hopes of bringing you home. I wanted to. You smiled at me like you had not just spent the last 3 months the way you did. You had such a great day. I will never forget it. No sedation, very awake and to yourself. We sat together and held hands. The ventilator support was the lowest it had been on. I thought we had turned a corner. I did not know that in just over 48 hours from then you would go 'home' by yourself for a while. Some day I will join you. I miss you and I will love you forever.