Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Am I so old that......

Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Or Tubal Pregnancy [Book]Am I so old that there is a memory for every time of year? 25 years ago this week Amanda Renee Sanders would have made her debut. (I think it would have been a girl but it was way to early to know). She would have been our second child. She didn't make it past 8 weeks or so. I had just confirmed the pregnancy the week before we lost her and had already picked out a girls name. I was upset I was pregnant so soon, Val was only 10 months old when we found out and when we lost her I was even more upset because I had so much guilt that I had been upset that I was pregnant. I felt like her loss was my fault when in reality it happens so much before we even know about the pregnancy. I just happened to know. I still wonder what she would have looked like. What her personality would have been. I was given a copy of "Empty Arms" which was written by Pam Vredevelt. It is a book to help women who have suffered pregnancy loss. It really helped me. I was able to share the book with Rick's cousin Beth when she and Jarrod suffered their first loss. She said it really helped them get through. Also the Lord helps us get through. We just have to learn to lean on Him. That is what Ann Booth helped me do with that loss. There would be 3 more until 1990 when I found out that we were getting to move back closer to home and that I was pregnant one more time. That time though would have a very different end than the previous 4.  :)

One week from today will mark the 27th anniversary of our marriage. For the past 2 years this is a difficult time for me. While our years together weren't always a bed of roses, they were our years together. Good times, bad times I think if most people are honest, most couples have ups and downs. Two people can not live together in perfect harmony 7 days a week 365 days a year. The good part is the effort they make together. That is how you stay together. You both work at it. And it will soon be 28 months since he left but it feels like 28 hours sometimes. I miss him. I still hear him shuffle through the living room to the computer room. If the remote falls, I hear him drop it. His cell phone is still active so I can still hear his voice. I still dream about him. His garden spots are still visible. His spot is still visible out in the garden where he made his arrangements for his eternal home. I cherish that spot. It is as dear to me as my own spot because it assures me one day I will see him again.
Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Psalm 37:3 KJV 
I love all y'all!
To be continued..........

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