Sunday, January 29, 2012

It will be ok!

As I was driving home from Church tonight, I was thinking about feelings. And boy, I have been having some intense feelings lately. I want to say first, I am ok! I really am because there is One above who helps me when I feel so low, He picks me up. He will do it again too.

Remember, this blog is about my feelings and right now, they are very close to the surface. This blog is not intended to generate sympathy. Period. It is a place for me to write how I feel. Right now, I feel sad.

I am grateful for my friends and family who worry about me. I am OK though. I really am. I am just going through something that I have to get through and these anniversary's are very difficult still. This time 2 years ago Rick had the breathing tube in, I would never be priviledged to hear his voice again, except for the voice mail on his phone which I still have on so I can hear his voice and hear him tell me God loves me and to have a nice day. The last words I ever heard him say was that he couldn't breathe and that he was ready for the breathing tube and for me not to let it go on and on if nothing could be done to fix him. I told them he was ready for the tube and left the room. He was holding Kim and Mary's hand and he was praying for God to guide them as they placed the tube. He wasn't thinking about himself. Then it was over, the tube was in and he was sedated. He was as comfortable as he could be for the next few days and would sleep. All I could do was think about when he would get better and we could go home. That day never happened. There was just too much to overcome. He went on to a better place--a place he prepared for in May 2002 out in his garden. And oh, if I didn't know that, I just don't know how I could deal with this. But I know one day I will see him again. And he will have a new body--one that cancer hasn't touched and never will. And blood clots won't be able to move to his lungs and clot off his body. And he won't struggle to get air in. And we won't have to worry anymore.

So, I don't know that the next few weeks will be the same, but as for now, just know I am OK, I just have all the feelings coming to the surface that were there 2 years ago and that come back from time to time. So if you want to ask me if I am OK, just know I may not be able to say more than yes. Because if I talk about it, I will cry. And sometimes I am not where I want to cry so......if I hesitate, please don't be hurt or anything. I am OK, I really am. I just need to get through this the best way I can for myself. Crying for me is best done in my room alone. So if I am where you are and I leave abruptly, please don't be offended. If I don't talk much, please don't be offended. I am just trying to get by as best I can. I am not mad at anyone, I am not hurt at anyone that I know of. I am just trying to get by and get to where I need to be. I have a long way to go.

One week from today we will meet Rick's son and his family. I am looking forward to it. I know others are looking forward to it too. I do wish we could have found him back when Rick was still here and looking for him. But that was not how it was meant to be. God has a plan and and we will know what that plan is one day. For now, we will just go on as God leads us.

I love all y'all!
To be continued..............

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