Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It has been a week since my last post

A lot has happened in this past week. For some reason I have felt a bit more depressed than "normal for me" over the past year. I realize that I am depressed and I am doing something about it. I have been on the verge of tears for over a week. Some say 'are you OK?' and I say I am fine because if I don't their just asking me the question brings the tears so close to falling. Some others say 'you are such a strong woman' -- let me be the first to tell you I am not strong. That statement, though very well meant brings those tears so close to falling. I have to choke them back. I am also having some anxiety. I know it, I feel it. I don't even know what it is about, but it is there. I was considering actually going to a doctor or a therapist about this, I haven't completely decided yet. I don't know if they could even help me. I guess I wouldn't know unless I tried. After Nick was born, after the accident I had to have help. I was diagnoses with PTSD. Me. Really. Post traumatic stress disorder. I couldn't get behind the wheel and drive without constantly checking to see if someone was too close. I still find myself looking in the mirror to see whose back there at every stop sign.

So back to a reason for this post. On my way home last night, I cried quite a lot, feeling quite down.....I had picked up food from a place Rick and I used to go, in fact our last night at home together we had food from there. It was almost a year before I could go inside the place. Anyway, I am sitting in my new chair eating my sweet and sour chicken when Nick yells "Mom, there are cops outside-2 of them!" I said "what now!" Well, I go to the door and there are 2 deputy's and 2 EMS guys from the Medical Center outside at my front porch (with their gloves on ready to save my life I guess!). I said, can I help you? Deputy says are you Myra? I say yes,....he says are you ok? I say yes... Why? I just got home from work and was eating a bit of supper. Deputy says he wants to see my ID - EMS guy says HI MYRA! I say who is it I can't see you back there....It's Brent Hartz (who used to be a first responder for WVFD when we had none and backed us up when we were new and helped my father-in-law on a few occasions that we had to call an ambulance for him-great young man)-- that satisfied the deputy for the ID. Apparently someone called dispatch from a cell (they have the number) and said I was very depressed and was going to take a bunch of pills and they knew my address and my daughter's name and my 'nine year old' (Nick is 20) was the only thing keeping me from taking the pills. I assured them I was OK and wasn't planning to kill myself. The deputy said, are you sure you're ok? I said man I'm depressed but I'm not that stupid. I'm fine! Go figure! I had to laugh at that point. I'm thinking how I'm driving home at 8:30 at night crying and I am alone on the road so no one could see me because it is dark at that time of night. How could someone assume because I am crying I am gonna do something so stupid anyway. Did I mention that I already had my nightgown on or that there wasn't time to change? So here I am on my front porch in my gown and robe, barefoot with Nick behind me if front of 3 strangers and a friend? That is so ridiculous!
"Do not be a fool--why die before your time?" (Ecclesiastes 7:17)
The nerve of some people. The Warren Co Dispatch has the phone number, I think I heard them say it was Val who called, or a friend of Val. The number seems vaguely familiar, but when they called it back nobody answered. Generic voice mail too. If I ever find out who this was, I will ask him or her why they did what they did and may see if I can press any charges. The ramifications of a suicide attempt would be so very far-reaching and difficult to overcome and some people believe everything they hear too! I called my boss last night to let her know if she hears something it was a prank/hoax call! She does notice though that I am sad right now. I just can't talk about it out loud. It makes me cry and I can't do that at work.

The other reason for my post today is I want to post a few pictures of my babies!

Bubba trying to give his new sister a bottle, doesn't look like she wants it to me....

Miss Olivia taking a nap in her bassinet

Precious sisters!

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