It will be ok!

As I was driving home from Church tonight, I was thinking about feelings. And boy, I have been having some intense feelings lately. I want to say first, I am ok! I really am because there is One above who helps me when I feel so low, He picks me up. He will do it again too.

Remember, this blog is about my feelings and right now, they are very close to the surface. This blog is not intended to generate sympathy. Period. It is a place for me to write how I feel. Right now, I feel sad.

I am grateful for my friends and family who worry about me. I am OK though. I really am. I am just going through something that I have to get through and these anniversary's are very difficult still. This time 2 years ago Rick had the breathing tube in, I would never be priviledged to hear his voice again, except for the voice mail on his phone which I still have on so I can hear his voice and hear him tell me God loves me and to have a nice day. The last words I ever heard him say was that he couldn't breathe and that he was ready for the breathing tube and for me not to let it go on and on if nothing could be done to fix him. I told them he was ready for the tube and left the room. He was holding Kim and Mary's hand and he was praying for God to guide them as they placed the tube. He wasn't thinking about himself. Then it was over, the tube was in and he was sedated. He was as comfortable as he could be for the next few days and would sleep. All I could do was think about when he would get better and we could go home. That day never happened. There was just too much to overcome. He went on to a better place--a place he prepared for in May 2002 out in his garden. And oh, if I didn't know that, I just don't know how I could deal with this. But I know one day I will see him again. And he will have a new body--one that cancer hasn't touched and never will. And blood clots won't be able to move to his lungs and clot off his body. And he won't struggle to get air in. And we won't have to worry anymore.

So, I don't know that the next few weeks will be the same, but as for now, just know I am OK, I just have all the feelings coming to the surface that were there 2 years ago and that come back from time to time. So if you want to ask me if I am OK, just know I may not be able to say more than yes. Because if I talk about it, I will cry. And sometimes I am not where I want to cry so......if I hesitate, please don't be hurt or anything. I am OK, I really am. I just need to get through this the best way I can for myself. Crying for me is best done in my room alone. So if I am where you are and I leave abruptly, please don't be offended. If I don't talk much, please don't be offended. I am just trying to get by as best I can. I am not mad at anyone, I am not hurt at anyone that I know of. I am just trying to get by and get to where I need to be. I have a long way to go.

One week from today we will meet Rick's son and his family. I am looking forward to it. I know others are looking forward to it too. I do wish we could have found him back when Rick was still here and looking for him. But that was not how it was meant to be. God has a plan and and we will know what that plan is one day. For now, we will just go on as God leads us.

I love all y'all!
To be continued..............

Gonna meet Ricks son

On February 5 Greg and Michaelle Ashworth will be here about noon. All of Ricks sisters will be here, his brother will be here, and us of course. My parents may be here too. We are going to have homemade soups and sandwiches along with a few great desserts. I know, it's super bowl Sunday but we are gonna do this around lunch time so if anyone wants to go they will have plenty of time. We are looking forward to getting to know them, and they are us too. My only regret in this is we didn't find each other sooner. We looked and were close the summer before he died. Just didn't get close enough. But it will be OK!

This is a difficult time in other ways for me. Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of the last time I heard Ricks voice. He was praying for peace and comfort as they got ready to put the breathing tube in place. And he still said he was ready for what was to be in store for him.

I miss him terribly.

I love all y'all.
To be continued......

Two years ago

Two years ago tonight Rick and I went to Cheddars after I got off work. I ordered chicken pot pie and he ordered their baked spaghetti thing they have. He couldn't eat it. Something was wrong, his throat was sore from the radiation. They brought him some soup. He couldn't eat it either. He took me back to the car, and I followed him home. Out at 68-80 light a car ran the red light and he hit them. No one was seriously hurt. Ronnie came after the truck and I took Rick home. Little did we know at that point in time that would be our last night out together ever. On Friday I hated to leave him home but I had to go to work. Friday night I brought Chinese food home from that little place where save a lot is. He couldn't eat that either. I heard him cough all night, he sounded terrible. On Saturday it was all I could manage to help him to the bathroom. He had so much trouble breathing. I finally convinced him to go to the dr. He was given a shot and antibiotic pills and sent home. By this time he needed a wheel chair. He made me leave him home alone long enough for me to drive to Betty and Henry's to pay the balance on his burial plot. I didn't want to go. But I did. When I got home, he couldn't walk at all. He was gray and so short of breath. He didn't want to go to the ER. I put my oxygen on him until my tank was about gone. He was no better. I finally told him I was calling an ambulance. He said no, for me to take him. I reminded him he couldn't even stand. He let me call an ambulance. That would be our last time in our home together and the beginning of a 6 week journey that would end with him going on so peacefully with a room and hall full of family and friends.

The reason I am telling you this is simple. We have no promise of tomorrow. Hold the ones you love close and make sure they know how much you love them. There is a saying that time is an enemy eating away at your life. I say time is precious. Enjoy every second of it. It will never come again! And we do not know that we will have another chance.

Remember those who have lost loved ones in your prayers. remember the ones who are sick, the ones with cancer who are receiving chemo and/or radiation. Also remember your friends, neighbors, family in your prayers. I know for sure I need the prayers of those I love! I will remember you in mine.

I love all y'all.
To be continued.........

New addition to the family

He needs a name. We like Tater, Nicks girlfriend doesn't like that name. It may be Tater anyway. He whines when he wants to do anything including to get in his cage to sleep. He's a month old. Tobi loves him.

Lots going on.....

Yesterday was an eventful day. I had to work. It was a busy day! Also did something I didn't want to do. I removed someone from my list on Facebook - something I have rarely done. This person has apparently taken things I post on Facebook as attacks on that person. Now, if the person wants to believe that, it is on them. That post was directed at a comment from a co-worker yesterday morning. Of course, I suppose that other person had no way to do that, and may or may not have a bit of guilt about something that has happened and took it that it was an attack on them. I tried to reassure the person it wasn't about them, and was told "I don't care" so I said I didn't either and removed the person from my list so they won't have to read my status updates and get upset. I really hate it, but this isn't the first time this has happened. Many of my posts have been interpreted as a personal attack. I have written about it before. So, I think I did the best thing by removing the person from the list. Problem solved. If you saw my status updates yesterday and know what I am talking about, am I wrong?

On another note, the chest/rib pain has returned with a vengeance along with a painful cough and some shortness of breath. I am hoping it is just some left over inflammation from the pneumonia, and took some ibuprofen with high hopes that it will get better by morning. I haven't wanted to do much today......some weakness and dizziness with not a lot of appetite again. Keeping my fingers crossed. And I will go to the doctor if I am not better. My eyes feel like I am getting a bit of fever. Pooh.

I will leave you with this tonight.

Matthew 16:19 "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

I love all y'all -- even the person I removed from my list.....
To be continued.................

Second post of 2012

Well, today my sister-in-law and her sisters said good bye to their mom. Nick and I went by the funeral home this morning. I have not been to a funeral since Rick died. I just can't go. I tried to go last year when my cousin's wife died. I went to the church the morning of the funeral, found a place to park, went in looked at her and hugged my cousin and broke down. I could not stay it was too hard. I don't know when that will go away. It may never. I did cook a little food and took it to the fire department where many other neighbors brought food for the family for after the burial. We had plenty. There were just a few left overs. I have been near tears since I got home. The day just has brought back memories. I was asked why I didn't go to the funeral. I told the person why. I think the person felt bad for asking. I didn't mean to make the person feel bad. It just is the way it is. Period. It is hard enough to go to church and think about how he stood for the Lord in that alter so many times and we said our final good bye to him there in that same alter. And when I go in there I see him lying up there in my minds eye. And I see him in his corner where he almost always sat. I see him slap his leg when he felt the Spirit. It is difficult to be there. But I go. I try to put that to the back of my mind. But it is still there. Maybe some day it will get better. I don't know. It is just hard.

On a lighter note, the kids have been so good today. Bubba is talking so much better. Almost daily, he learns a new word and he says "Please" for so many things. It is so cute. Right now, though, they do not want to go to sleep and both need to so badly. BoBo as Bubba calls Olivia is at her grandfathers this weekend. Bubba was asleep when she left and he thinks Val has lost her. He has looked and looked for her. He is a good big brother.

I think this is all for tonight. I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend.

I love all y'all
to be continued.............

First post of 2012

So today my friend asked me if I had quit writing. I haven't, I just haven't posted since NYE. Not that I don't have anything to say, just that I have been working and the laptop has been sluggish so I haven't wanted to fight with it and it is much harder to post from the iPhone. I have posted from it a few times, but it is much harder.

Today my baby brother posted a song from The Traveling Wilburys which I played of course, and that made me look up other of their songs which I love. One is "End of the Line" -- I remember the first time I heard them. I was watching VH1 and heard a tune that I liked, looked up and thought "that looks like George Harrison's hands on that guitar." Then they showed the group and it was George. And it was Roy Orbison. And it was Bob Dylan. And it was Tom Petty. And it was Jeff Lynne (from ELO). I was liking what I was hearing. Rick didn't believe me when I told him about them. Then he heard them. One thing we couldn't figure out was who was Jeff Lynne. We couldn't get who he was. Rick's brother in law Kevin helped us with that. They were a great group. First Roy died then George. Ringo did a song or two with them as well -- "I Won't Back Down"

Then there was this song by Linkin Park. I love it-- "In the End" their style of music is not my favorite type of music but this song speaks to me somehow. The music in the opening seconds is a simple piano with some other sound. I think they are a mix between metal and rap/hip hop. It is about a young man who is really trying and gets discouraged but keeps trying. Then he finds that "In the End it doesn't even matter" and how he had to fall and lose it all. I have no idea why I like this song. I just do. You tube it and let me know what you think.

Then there are people around us who need our prayers. My sister-in-law Machelle (Rick's brother Lester's wife) lost her mother yesterday. Lots of y'all know her - Jo Smith. I was able to be with them when things were so critical yesterday. It was so hard. Jo was a good woman and her daughters love her with all they have. I wish I could have done something to help them.

Alvin Childress also passed away yesterday. Please remember that family in your prayers. And there are others from over home who are sick. Please remember them as well.

I think this is about all for the rambling for tonight.

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.’

I love all y'all!
To be continued.................