It's been a while!

I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I don't have internet at home anymore and posting from my phone is not fun. So.

Yesterday we found 2 baby kittens. Our momma cat surprised me this time. I didn't know she was gonna do that. I heard "mew, mew, mew" at 2am yesterday. Around 2pm she brought them to the porch. Poor Bruno. He just wanted to look and sniff. Momma had a fit. She put him on the trail.

Not having a very good time right now. Seems like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what is going to happen next. Seems everywhere I turn, something new happens. I went to Dr Lin last week, he said he would see me in 6 months if he doesn't see me in ER first. What's that supposed to mean? He asked about the cholesterol med- I can not take it. I have tried several different ones. They hurt me so bad. And my cholesterol numbers were near perfect. And the last heart cath I had said no blockages. He said that didn't mean a whole lot. Plaques - even small ones - can rupture and can cause a heart attack. The cholesterol medication is supposed to help prevent that. So, he said try it once a week at least. So I will. We will see.

I am still having trouble feeling like I want to go back to my church. No one there did anything to me or said anything out of the way. It is all me. The last time I was there, there was no bass singer. The song was going along and then silence. A bass part. That was Rick's part. I couldn't handle it. I left and haven't been back. The past couple of meetings have been on my weekend to work. It will change back in December, but I don't know if I will be able to go. I need to go somewhere. And that is home. But it is so hard to be there. I would think after well over 4 years since he died that I could move on. Obviously I can't yet. I hope no one reading this ever has to know the heart ache that comes with that loss. But, many will. It is part of life. I just can't handle it right now. Maybe it is time to sell out and move. I have lived in Wingfield longer than I have ever lived anywhere. I love where I live.  I don't want to move, but I can't keep on going like this. Say a prayer for me.

I love all y'all.
To be continued......

2014 is almost half over

This year is almost half over. 3 more days and June will be behind us. Unsettling time of year for me now.  In six days would have been our 29th anniversary.  This time of year is difficult  for many reasons. That is just one reason. I think sometimes I don't understand why we have the emotion of love when it hurts so bad when our loved ones leave us. I realize much of the time they are in a better place, way better than we have it here. 

In a week our country celebrates another year of freedom. It is Independence Day. This day has great memories of good times with friends and especially one in particular.  It was a couple years before Rick's tumor was found.  Rick and I were at friends' celebrating the fourth (annual tradition for YEARS) when we sat down to eat, Rick picked up a coke bottle - 2 liter - and the plastic was thin and his big ole hands squeezed that bottle and up and out of the bottle came the coke. Then he dropped it. It went all over the place. He was embarrassed. Very embarrassed. Then, of course, I laughed. He said gruffly: "its not funny!!" - He grabbed a towel to clean up the mess - it was a cute decorative towel (strawberries you know) - Sandy said "not with that" I said it at the same time. He looked at me so seriously "give me something then!" I was cracking up. Everyone else was afraid to laugh at him at first. Finally, he laughed and everyone else did too. It was so funny - coke was everywhere. But it was still funny! We never let him forget that. I plan on spending my fourth there this year as well. Annual tradition. We will have a cookout and talk and play and remember that year Rick spilled the coke as we do every year and after dark we will shoot fireworks and I will yell "more, more" and Tonya Lynn will yell "faster, faster" and Sandy will yell "again, again! then we will clean it all up and go home. Good times with friends who are like family.  

In case you were wondering it is getting closer to my favorite times of year! I love the fall, I love fall decorating with shock fodder, straw bales and scarecrows, witches and pumpkins! I love Thanksgiving because it was my Papaw James' favorite time of year! I love Christmas because of what it means! so.....

In case you were wondering how long it is until those holidays:

180 days until Christmas!

153 days until Thanksgiving!

125 days until Halloween!

I love all y'all!❤️

To be continued......

Randomness again

It has been a long time since my last post. So much and yet so little has gone on. It seems some days I am just hanging on and some days I am great. The last day I worked about got the best of me at the beginning of the shift, but I made it and the rest of the day was great. I was even able to lend a hand.

There is so much I would like to say, but can't. Even though this is MY blog and my place to vent, I will just keep a few things to myself.

I am trying to move forward. I have a few guilt feelings from time to time just thinking about moving forward so it seems I let that guilt keep me in the same place, just inching instead of making great progress. 

I went to church Saturday night. I didn't stay long. It was so humid out, and I didn't feel good, so I left. Breathing was short. Sunday was homecoming. I just couldn't go. Besides the humidity getting the best of me, it is still so very difficult to be there. I look at Rick's empty corner and the emotion just rolls in. I have tears welling up, trying not to cry right now. Maybe I should find a new place to go. But we went to so many places together. Would that also be difficult? It has been well over four years since he died. My head says it is long enough. Get over it. My heart says differently. 

Maybe part of what is wrong today is I went to get new tires this morning. I passed that old familiar spot in Brownsville where I spent my summer Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays-- at the Farmers Market on the square in front of the courthouse. They moved it back there. There was only one vendor this morning. He or she didn't look busy, and I didn't stop. Don't think I could. 

I got some news I didn't want to hear yesterday. Nothing bad, nothing life changing unfortunately. It will be OK! And so will I!

I love all y'all!❤️
To be continued.....

A scary week!

Last Tuesday night on my way home from work I was driving minding my own business when I casually put my hand up to my chest. The spider bite still "bothers" me in a way. It doesn't hurt, just where the bite was scarred and feels weird. Where the venom went is still discolored a lot. About 2 finger tip widths from the bite I felt a lump. It doesn't hurt, it's about pea to bean size and it's definitely there. It was about 8pm. I panicked. I'd just worked the first of a 3-day stretch. I cried and worried most of the night with very little sleep. I worked Wednesday - had someone check it who thought from it's location, it's not likely anything bad. That eased my mind enough I slept fairly well Wednesday night and on Thursday I called my Drs office. They called an order for a mammogram and ultrasound. I had the mammogram today. They took a lot of pictures, several angles, marked the lump so they could be sure they got it in the X-rays. At first after the X-rays were taken, I felt safe then a comment about going ahead with the ultrasound alarmed me. But that was not really anything bad after all. After about 10 long minutes and lots of prayer, she came back in. The radiologist saw absolutely nothing. So, the ultrasound was not needed! I am elated! It's been a long 6 days! The Lord is in control and prayers were answered! 

I love all y'all! ❤️

To be continued........

Feeling better!

Stress test = anxiety! I think I was as nervous about having to have an IV placed 2 consecutive days for this stress test as I was worrying about whether or not I could walk it. Well, The Lord was with me and those helping me. Only one stick each day AND successful placement both times! AND I got to my goal heart rate on the treadmill with no ischemia on the EKG or scan after. That is great. I did cough a lot as soon as my heart rate raised above 100. I could feel slight throat pressure. It comes from the diastolic heart failure (Google it) that I've been treated for almost 2 years. This means I need my medicine adjusted. What I'm on has been working for me at least symptom - wise until the first of the year. The shortness of breath returned with a vengeance. I felt lucky I had the appointment the day after it was at its worst. So for now I'm taking my Lasix every day to help keep fluid down, nitro when I need it and in 2/14 Dr Lin will change, increase or add something to help. In the meantime, I am feeling somewhat better- the Lasix is helping. 

My problems are nothing compared to what some folks very dear to me are going through though. Sweet Brittany lost her dad last night. They were so close. Please remember her and her family in your prayers!!

My friend Penney's mom has cancer- lung cancer and it seemed the end was very near- she began coughing up blood- quite a lot of blood- the cancer dr decided to try a bit of chemo again and The Lord decided to grant a little more time. Penney's mom is precious. Please remember that family in your prayers!! 

The Muhlenberg county family that lost 9 members last last week also need your prayers! The 2 survivors remain in  VUMC and it's my understanding the father may not survive. That family definitely needs prayer and anything you can do to help them! Losing all your possessions in a fire is devastating enough; losing most of your family has to be unbearable! 

We had church today at Miller Hill. Good preaching today. I've been meditating since I got home about it; I am sure if I follow my heart it will turn out as it is meant to. It's not for me to decide. The Lord will work His will. I just have to obey. I ask for your prayers too that I follow my heart and do His will, not mine! I don't want to do anything on my own- ONLY with His guidance!

I love all y'all!❤️

To be continued.......

So much on my mind

So I have been feeling pretty bad for about 3 to 3 1/2 weeks. On a Wednesday night in early January, I had about an hour of chest tightness after I went to bed. I was about ready to get Nick up and go to the ER then it eased. I don't know what it was. It just so happened I had a routine appointment with Dr Lin the next morning so I told him about it and the flurttering feeling I had at the same time. I've also had quite a bit if shortness of breath. He looked over the labs and did an EKG and scheduled a stress test. That begins tomorrow. Somehow I thought it was today- missed it by one day. Anyway. I believe it will be negative and this is just esophageal spasms and or hormones. I really don't like this feeling not knowing for sure! Tuesday and Wednesday will tell!! 

I love all y'all.❤️

To be continued.....

Precious Memories

Today is the 4th anniversary of Ricks last hours at home. I believe he knew how sick he was. I believe he knew it was his last day here and if he went to the hospital, he wouldn't come back here. He made me leave him here alone and go pay the balance he owed on his cemetery plot. I had to beg him to go to the hospital that morning. He couldn't eat or drink. He let me take him to the Dr. Doc said pneumonia and gave him antibiotics. It was all I could do to get him back in the house. He was so short if breath. He got the pills down but got choked on the water. 

I was a first responder at the time. I got him to let me put oxygen on him. It helped only slightly.

His sister Debbie came by. She stayed with him about an hour. He enjoyed her visit. 

He wanted to go to the bathroom. He didn't have the strength to stand with my help let alone walk. But he refused to go to the ER. My little oxygen tank was almost gone. I begged him to let me take him to ER. Finally he agreed. I couldn't get him standing. He refused an ambulance for a while longer then he agreed. I called 911 and requested the ambulance for shortness if breath. It wasn't long until the house and yard was full of folks coming to help. Petie, Hank and another that for the life if me I can't remember came. His oxygen saturation was 50's. Remember, he'd been on oxygen several hours by now. Robbie had changed him to 100% oxygen before EMS arrived. Saturation should have been way over 90. Hank and Petie put him in the ambulance, I was not far behind them. They turned on the lights and siren. My heart sank. I cried and prayed all the way to the hospital. That same still, small voice spoke to my heart yet again with "trust Me!" just as it had been doing since late November. His blood gas was horrible. He was not oxygenating well at all. He was admitted to the ICU. He was awake and alert and just trying to breathe. He made me promise him when "hope" for recovery was gone I would not let him linger. I didn't leave him for 2 days and nights. 

Late that night tests were done and very large blood clots were found in both legs. Not good news!  He was started on thinners. Due to his blood cell problems, that was very difficult to manage. Not good. On Sunday they placed a filter to prevent more clots from reaching his lungs. Even that didn't work well. Lung Dr showed me his chest X-ray from that morning. Pretty much whited out. Not good either. Still, I kept hearing "trust Me!" 

The family and friends who visited the hospital or just kept us in their prayers meant so very much!! 

I love all y'all! ❤️

To be continued.....

Rick holding his pride and joy! October was Papaws girl for sure! You wouldn't know from this picture around a year was all he had left!! 

Must be ok

Still haven't heard from the Holter Monitor I wore for 24 hours. Saw Dr Lin over the weekend. He said if the techs had seen anything they would have called him. So that's good. Still very tired and short of breath. I stayed home tonight instead of going to prayer meeting. I just don't feel good. I will be going to work the next 2 days if I have the energy. I won't be able to go to cardiac rehab. After checking it out, I can't do it. It costs too much out of pocket and I can't be there half the time so I'm not going. Dr Lin will have to understand. I've had quite a bit if fluttering in my chest today but no tightness. I'm about to just give up on feeling better. It's discouraging. 

We have dinner after church Sunday. I was planning to take meatloaf and a cake but I'm not sure I'm going to feel like going. I don't like feeling like this. 

And there's so much more I want to say but I won't. 

I love all y'all 

To be continued......

Still waiting

I turned in the Holter Monitor today. I don't believe there were many if any irregularities on it. There have been 3 episodes I've felt in the past 15 minutes. Checked out cardiac rehab today. Insurance won't pay much so I don't know if I can afford it. We shall see what the insurance says. Thankfully, there have been no more chest pain episodes. I didn't make it to the funeral today. It's still very hard to go to those. I don't know if that will ever change. Time will tell.

I'm done for today. Waiting for holter monitor results. I suppose he will call if there were any serious rhythm problems.

I love all y'all. ❤️
To be continued.....

I'm just waiting

I'm lying here tonight about half afraid. I really don't feel good at all. Last night I had chest tightness for almost an hour and really couldn't decide if it was esophageal spasm or not. Finally it eased. I already had an appointment today with Dr Lin (my cardiologist). It was just a checkup but the timing was great. I had a heart cath almost two years ago that was good and it's highly unlikely that plaque could build up that quickly. But then he's reviewing labs and saw how high my cholesterol was 6 months ago. Yes, it's much better now but he's concerned in that high bad cholesterol 6 months ago. So he did an EKG and I'm wearing a holter monitor now. Last night I had several extra heart beats during that tightness. And I also have to go have cardiac rehab for a month and have a stress test at the end of January. I'm not looking forward to that. Glad I've been walking! Tho I'm not real sure how I'll endure on the treadmill. And it's a two day test :/ so I can do this and it will be fine! I do know my vitamin d level is low so it may just be esophageal spasms (muscle spasms increase with low d levels). All I know for sure is I was ready to go to the ER when it finally eased and I still feel like crap AND it hasn't happened tonight. And neither have the extra beats. I've felt so bad I haven't been over to Stockholm to see Aunt Thelma Jean. I'll just have to see how I feel tomorrow.  

Theres so much more I want to say but as long as I keep it to myself then no one else knows. And for now that's how it should be. 

I love all y'all! ❤️

To be continued......

Another has gone on home

Early yesterday morning God called another home. She will be missed. She was an aunt, someone I have always known. When you are young, you tend to think life will go on forever. But it doesn't. And Thelma Jean lost her short battle with cancer and is now at peace and rest. No more smothering. No more struggling for each breath. And one day our family will be reunited. The family circle will be complete. She was loved by so many.  Uncle Lelan pastored many churches in Edmonson, Hart, Barren and Grayson counties through the years. She was a faithful christian wife. Her visitation begins at 4pm today at Stockholm United Baptist Church in Edmonson County. Funeral will be Friday at 11am. Prayers for her family please for them to find comfort. 

I love all y'all.❤

To be continued.............