9 days

In nine days it will be 2 years since he left us. I would like to say it is easier but it isn't. It is a little different though. I don't know if I am coming to terms with it, or just exactly what it is yet. One thing I do know though is that no matter how much I miss him, the tumor and kind of cancer he had was more than he could stand. And with the blood clots that he had that kept breaking off and going to his lungs, I would not have him back to struggle one more second. He struggled for breath almost every hour of that 6 weeks in the hospital and for a few days before he would agree to go to the hospital. I was looking over some of the old records the other day. I re-read one of the last CT scans of his brain. It showed some old infarcts (aka strokes) that were small but several of them. In the scheme of things, those were insignificant but an indication that those blood clots were there for some amount of time. One day we will understand why. I am surprised that as I write this there are no tears. Not right now anyway. The following is a poem without a title that I found online the other day and posted it on Jennifer's birthday. We did get to say good bye to him, the room and hallway were full of people that night. There was a feeling of love that he went home with with Noots singing his song. There are the tears now.

If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart's still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment

It is just 3.5 weeks until spring. I am looking forward to it. I am a little upset that Easter is on my weekend to work again this year. Upset isn't the correct word, but I am having trouble finding the right word for it. I like to have Easter dinner with a large pork tenderloin, dressing, sweet potatoes, deviled eggs, chocolate pie.......can't do that and work unfortunately. Maybe one year it will be on the other weekend. I am not sure how that works either because when I worked in Nashville, we worked every third weekend and it always fell on my weekend to work except for once or twice. And Easter is not a holiday that is recognized in our holiday rotation. I think it should be really, because of what it represents. Christmas is recognized. Anyway, one Ester I had the tenderloin out of the oven -- it was resting. All our families were there for dinner. My brother from Ohio and his family were home too. I was about to slice the meat and Rick came in, saw the roast and looked at me with a frightened look-- he said: "look at that meat, there is hair on it!!" I was looking for hair (mine). Couldn't find anything. I looked at him and asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said: "the pig- you forgot to clean the pig hair from the long-lean!" I started laughing at him. In case you don't know, the long-lean was the old timer's term for tenderloin. I said I bought the "pig" at the grocery. It was already cleaned. Those are spices. Not hair. It was so funny. Everyone laughed. We had a good meal and good laugh and went outside for an egg hunt. It was a beautiful day.

I will leave you with this:

Jeremiah 16:19-21

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁹O LORD, my strength, and my fortress, and my refuge in the day of affliction, the Gentiles shall come unto thee from the ends of the earth, and shall say, Surely our fathers have inherited lies, vanity, and things wherein there is no profit.

²⁰Shall a man make gods unto himself, and they are no gods?

²¹Therefore, behold, I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know mine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD.

I love all y'all.

To be continued...........