Jamey Johnson - In Color

Well, I think this song just says it all! I was just listening to it tonight. I think back through all the past 26 years and there are pictures to look back on, memories to recall. But you should have seen it in color. Even March 6, 2010.

♥ This time of year ♥

Well last night was a success at the haunted house and hay ride! I am proud of the way it comes together. They all do a super job! I stopped up there last night and tonight on my way home from work and had chili both nights. We have some pretty good cooks around here! Nick is enjoying working at the haunted house. He made a grown man cry last night scaring him. Everyone returning while I was there both nights says it is a great haunted house.....come on down! Rick enjoyed driving the tractor for the hayride each year. He looked forward to it. A few years ago he made a set of steps for the fire house and a set for the haunted house to help with people getting on and off the wagon. It helped a lot! They still use them.

Today marks Nick's due date.....I guess it's a good thing he arrived early, he was 8 pounds as it was! Today is also John Lennon's birthday. He would have been 70 today had he lived. I spent a little time on you tube playing some Lennon and Harrison videos. Tomorrow is Rick's sister Beverly's birthday. I forgot to send her a card! Oops. Sorry Bev, I will have to send her a facebook message!

My grandchildren are growing so very fast! They are changing every day! This time next weekend we will be having October's and Perry's birthday party at the same time. Such sweet babies!

I have been very busy at work. I had to travel with one of my patients a couple of times today. I am happy to go with them for their tests that can't be done at the bedside. But the older I get, the more I think I want to just stay put. I could never be a travel nurse. I like things the same too much. My goodness! Just converting to computer charting was so difficult for me. These kids who were raised on computers have it so much easier in that respect. They already know so much about the computer. Us old-timers have a difficult time figuring out stuff!

Now, if I could only get sleep down pat. I would be a happy camper! Sleep is something that is so very important to everyone. I don't know if it is truly insomnia, anxiety, depression or what. I just have so much trouble getting to sleep. Usually, I don't have trouble staying asleep after I get there, just getting there is the problem! So much runs through my mind! I think about Rick, I think about Jennifer, I think about work, I think about my kids and what they are going through, I think about my community and things going on around here, I worry about everything whether there is a problem or not....I have always been one to worry about nothing and everything! I have tried TV off, TV on, sleep meds over the counter and Rx; melatonin, Tylenol, can't take benadryl because it gives me a hangover. Maybe it will get better soon. Sometimes I think about what if's and wonder about people I haven't seen or heard from in a long time. Just can't quiet down my mind. It has always been that way. Just never had trouble sleeping until 10 1/2 months ago. It is difficult to believe it will soon be a year since we were kicked in the chest with cleats. I think I have guilt feelings over that tumor. Like somehow it was my fault; that if I didn't make him go to the ER that day he might still be here because what we don't know won't hurt us....same with Jennifer when I told her not to leave her Dr's office without finding out why she was so short winded. Now I really know better, I may not have had Rick as long as I got to keep him if we hadn't found and removed the tumor. His brain had already shifted from the bulk of the tumor. It had returned to the midline after some healing. And Jennifer really needed treatment for her breathing problems. I just have that type of personality that makes things my fault in some way. I didn't give Rick a glioma and I didn't give Jenn Pulmonary Hypertension. And if I could fix it for them I would have in a second. If it could have been me instead of them I would gladly trade. But God has His plans and it is not up to us to second guess or even wonder why, but it is human nature to do that. I know you have seen me post these scriptures many times but they mean a lot to me.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

From the Book of Daniel KJV

3:15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?

3:16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

3:17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

3:19 Then was Nebuchadnezzar full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated.

3:20 And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.

3:21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:22 Therefore because the king's commandment was urgent, and the furnace exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

3:26 Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

3:27 And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God. So these 3 men faced the fiery furnace believing that God would deliver them, but even if He didn't, they were assured of a place in Heaven and they would not bow to the king. I need to get to the accepting part of the fact that I didn't get my way in Ricks illness. I love the Lord, my God with all my heart. I don't blame Him for taking Rick. I miss him every waking hour. I dream about him. But I don't blame God.

I love the fall! (Again!)

We took the babies to Jackson's Orchard today. They rode in a red wagon and got to feed the animals at the petting area. Perry laid back on his sister in the wagon, he almost went to sleep. Can't believe she let him lay there! She was good though. He was too. They both got a little pumpkin of their very own. They both also tried to eat it! We bought apples and some cider.
I made apple crisp with the apples. I love a good apple crisp and the Winesap apples from Jackson's make it the best!

Nick's truck is still out of commission. I want so badly to tell him I told you not to do that, but that would just make him mad! I love both my kids, I just want them to learn to take care of themselves and their belongings. I hope his being without his truck all this time helps him take better care of it when he gets it back!

Today marks the 7 month anniversary of Rick leaving us. I continue to miss him like it was yesterday. They say time heals. I don't cry quite as much, but I still miss him as much. It is getting a little easier to be at church too. It is so hard to go there and look at where I last saw him. I know that was just a shell, he is asleep waiting for the Great Day, but it is still the last place I could touch him, see his smiling face. I do have him in my heart. I know we will be together again one day. October seems to remember him. She takes my phone, looks at his picture and says "PaPaw and Tobi" and kisses the phone. She has a picture of him that is just hers too. She is so little. He loved her with all his heart. And I will never forget Christmas eve about midnight when she was just 2 and a half months old. We kept her that night, and it was about midnight with her sleeping on my chest that the Lord promised her salvation to me. It was like He was right there in the living room with us. There are conditions on that. I have to live for Him. I am trying. I really am. Yesterday I talked to Him and He talked back to me. I talk to Him many times a day, it is not every day that I get through to Him though. Yesterday I did. It is the first time in several months. There I said it. I have had this block since Rick's death. I don't know if it is part of grief, or just me. But yesterday I turned up a road just past Heather Miller's house and it came to me to pray. And I did, and I got through. He is still telling me to trust Him. I do, I always have, and always will.

That is all for tonight. I love you all.

To be continued.................

More random thoughts.......

From the left my baby brother Doug; Ricky; and my brother Greg. Bruce (also my brother) was not there. This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day at my Mom's last year. We are just 7 weeks shy of Thanksgiving again! I love the "winter" holidays. But, this year there will be one absent. Looking at this photo of Rick, you wouldn't think he only had 3 and a half months or so to live would you? He looks so healthy there, and in reality he wasn't! We already knew he had a tumor; just didn't know exact details at that point. He was just a few days away from surgery. I still love and miss him.

Hey I typed all of that without crying! Better than last night. I did cry while typing but that seems to be getting easier. I thought about the haunted house and hay ride tonight. They will be short one tractor driver. I am sure someone else will step up of course. Rick so enjoyed that though! Last year he was very quiet during the hay ride. I just thought he was tired. If I could go back to the beginning of 2009 and know what I know now, I wonder if the tumor would have been caught in time to fix it. I wonder if it had been there for the 2 years he was having his anemia treated. I wonder if the cancer somehow was affecting his blood cells causing the anemia. Had he consented to the bone marrow test would that have made them look further? It is all just second guessing at this point. As a nurse I don't see how they could be connected, but then again cancer does all kinds of weird stuff to you!

More random thoughts.....I had meetings at work today then a jewelry party tonight. It was fun, and Heather you look so cute as a clown, I don't care what your brother says......

My babies are growing so very fast. Tober calls herself Tobi now, she can tell me who different people are. She knows Nick's friends by name and gets upset if they don't speak to her. They change every day. I just wish she would quit biting her brother!

Back to the winter holidays. Christmas will be here in a short time. I love the holiday simply because of what it stands for.

Had It Not Been

Just suppose God searched through Heaven
He couldn't find one willing to be
The supreme sacrifice that was needed
That would buy eternal life for you and me

Had it not been for a place called Mt. Calvary
Had it not been for the old rugged cross
Had it not been for a man called Jesus
Then forever my soul would be lost

But I'm so glad He was willing
To drink His bitter cup
Although He prayed, Father let it pass from me
And I'm so glad He never called Heaven's angels
From my hands remove these nails that torment me

I have heard that song many times over the years, but I have not heard anyone sing it better than Brother Denzil Bullock. Again, I ask for you to remember Maria's husband in prayer, he will have his leg amputated in the morning. Hopefully, just below his knee and not farther up. And hopefully this will spare his life! His name is Gary. Please pray.

I love you all.

My Little Witch

This really is my little angel. She is giving me a "hard look" which is a new face she has learned to make. She has it down pat too! She can make a fish face, and puts her fingers in her mouth at the corners, pulls down and sticks out her tongue when you tell her to make a face at someone. That "hard look" thing is a common trait of my side of the family, I don't know if it is Bird or Stice or whoever Ma Birds mom was or Pa Birds mom was......but it is a common look for sure. That look has gotten me in so much trouble over the years and most of the time I didn't even know I was giving it! My dad has it, his mother had it, her mother (Ma Bird). Pa Bird was so mild mannered. I barely remember him. He died when I was about 3. Anyway, October is trying on her Halloween costume. See her green hair? I couldn't believe she would leave that on but she did! She also has on a green skirt. She is a darling.....except for our first experience with a tantrum last evening. She didn't wanna go to the potty and she didn't wanna change into a diaper. So, she laid on the floor, crying NOOOOOO, momma, NOOOOO head on her little arms and was kicking her legs. We just let her lay there until she finished. I got so tickled and so did Valarie.

I am so excited in a way. I found out today something I should have already known. It is my Thanksgiving off! And my brother and his family are coming in from Ohio! I am off the weekend after too so I will get to see them some! Usually I am working when they are here! I do wish they would move back here. They have lived in Ohio for about 17 years give or take 6 months or so..... Doug's wife Donita is a nurse and their daughter in going to nursing school. The hard part about Thanksgiving will always be that Rick's birthday was November 27. Every so many years Thanksgiving is on his birthday. This year it is the Saturday after. And November 23 was when the tumor was found. I know you are probably tired of reading about this but it is part of me and why I started this blog to begin with......dealing with MY feelings surrounding my husbands illness and death. I seem to be finding that I am dealing with it a little better right now. I hope that trend continues. I am crying a little less. I think that is good. Don't get me wrong, there is not a day goes by that I don't remember him. I think about him every morning when I wake up alone and every night when I lay down to sleep. Sometimes I hear his footsteps, they were distinct. Or I hear him drop the remote in the living room, or I hear him say "Myra" the way he always did when he needed me. I still have his cell phone activated, I call it sometimes just to hear him say "God loves you, have a nice day" in his voice mail message. If you want, you can call it, it won't bother me at all! His phone battery ran down a long time ago. It won't ring here. It does my heart good to hear his voice and I may never cancel the number.

I have prayer requests. Please remember a friend from high school hurt in a tractor accident and a friend from first grade whose husband is in serious condition in Louisville. Please mention them to the Lord when you pray. Thanks!

I love you all.

To be continued......................

Definately cooler!

October is here in all it's glory! The leaves are turning, color is somewhat dull at this point, I guess the dry weather is hurting the color. It was very cool today. Babies needed shoes and some warmer clothes, so we went to Wal-mart today. Perry hates his shoes. Just a bit more confidence and he will walk. He is so cute. I made a big pot of chili today. It is pretty good, but not the best I have ever made. It will do though. I set aside a big bowl to take to work for lunch tomorrow. I also made no-bake cookies, and hid a couple to take to work tomorrow too!

Went to Jackson's Orchard today for apples, got some golden delicious, they are firm but sweet, I usually like tart apples but I can eat these because they are crisp and firm. I wanted to make apple crisp. Unfortunately, these won't make that too well, need tart apples for that! I will get those next time. There were so many people there! They had their pumpkin festival today. 100's of folks there. Fortunately for me I got my apples and back out in good time! We may take the babies there this week.

When I came home from church the TV was on TBN with a movie playing about the Exodus. Moses and the burning bush, Moses and Aaron with the Pharaoh. Well made movie. I have seen most of these actors in other Biblical movies before. They always do well. Speaking of church tonight, it went well. I have some work to do. I am still having a very difficult time but it seems to be easing a little. I want to get to where I can work for my Lord. I know how to get there, I just have to do it! If you are reading this blog and you are a praying person, I ask for your prayers for a dear friend of mine. Her husband is seriously ill in a Louisville hospital. He has had part of this foot removed, and is facing more surgeries. He has gangrene and may loose more than part of his foot! Please remember them. Also, please ask for strength for Maria. From personal experience, I know how much prayer helps us to deal with illness. I want Maria to know how much I care. I also want her to know how I came to depend on the Lord during Rick's illness. Had it not been for my friends, prayer and God, I would not have come through as well as I did. I still say what happened in our lives was not to harm us. God alone knows His plans.
I love you all...........

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I love the fall!

In twelve days the little angel on the left will be 2 years old! She is so precious except when she bites her little brother! And in 20 days little man sitting next to her will be 1 year old. If he had just a bit more confidence he could walk! He will let me hold his hand as he walks anywhere, he will walk around everything, but he will not turn loose! I know he will when he is ready. He is at the mercy of his sister too. She will bite him every time she decides she wants too. He won't bite her back either. I think if he did, she would stop biting him. If anyone has suggestions on that, please let us know.

I wish Rick could have gotten to know Perry. He is a sweet baby. He was still so very small that Rick wasn't comfortable holding him. Perry was just one month old when the tumor was discovered. At that point, the illness took priority. We really didn't pay much attention to the kids, we focused on what we needed to. We wanted to get the tumor out and start whatever treatment would be recommended. After the treatment started, he was too sick to do much more than look at the babies. He would still hold Tober, she was Papaw's girl you know. Rick just didn't really feel he could be safe enough to hold little man, he seemed so much more fragile than his sister did. They never had the same chance to bond that Papaw and Tober had.

Look how big he is getting. He is wearing 18 month clothes! He is 3 weeks shy of one year old! He is a hoss!

This is one of my favorite times of the year! Cooler weather, maybe some fall rain, changing leaves, smell of apple crisp baking, big pot of homemade chili, homemade hot chocolate, cinnamon, coffee on the front porch in the early morning, turning on the fireplace for the first time in the season.....LOVE IT!

Remember when.....
In eleven days it will be 26 years since Rick and I met in my living room that Saturday night in October. Thank you neighbor. If you read this you know who you are! Over the years, I have wanted to kill you more than once. HaHa. But mostly, I thank you. Had it not been for you, we may have never met, and I would not be the person I am today. The struggles and triumphs Rick and I experienced over the years have influenced my life in ways only someone who was there would know. And, there have been some who have been right there the whole time and some over the past 15 years or so and some for an entire lifetime! I do love this month. Ironic that both of my grandchildren were born in October, huh!

That is all for tonight. Love you all.

To be continued...........