It's a blur

Over the past few weeks I've begun to notice the gradual onset of blurred vision even with my glasses on. There are times I can't find a happy place with the glasses. Driving during the dark hours had always been an issue, but of late the lights are very blurred and at certain angles seem lights are stacked when there is only one light. Watching TV is a bit of an issue. All the words are double stacked. The people aren't, and regular type is only slightly blurred. I'm thinking those #%** cataracts that were tiny 2 years ago may have grown :(

When I was in second grade, over spring break I had eye surgery for amblyopia. I was so sick after. I only have vague memories around that time, but sick is there. When I was in nursing school the first surgery I saw was cataract surgery. The anesthesiologist put me right at the top of the table with him and I lasted oh, about two minutes before I ran out and slid down the wall and all but passed out. Just the thoughts of having cataract surgery makes my ears ring and great nausea! What am I gonna do?!??!!

I cannot stand the thoughts of this. Wanna see more? Google image cataract surgery. Puke. Pass out. Puke. I can't take this!!

Pray for me!

On a sad note, we lost a member of our community today. Please keep the Hawks family in your prayers, especially over the next few days. Also, continue to remember those who have lost loved ones recently and those who have seriously ill family.

I love all y'all! ❤
To be continued.......

Dear Rick,

Three years ago today I worked. On the way home, I picked up supper from our favorite Chinese take out place. You couldn't eat. You seemed to be getting an upper respiratory infection. The steroids can mask infection. The radiation can affect the throat. You were coughing. During the night your cough changed. By morning on the 23rd, the way you coughed seemed like you might have pneumonia. Your lungs sounded like it too when I listened to them. I finally convinced you to go to the Dr. What I really wanted was for you to go to the hospital. I was afraid for you. Pneumonia can be difficult in a healthy person much less someone immune compromised with cancer treatment. At this point, I wasn't afraid for your life yet. As Saturday wore on, Debbie visited. you made me leave you and go see Henry Ray and pay off your burial plot. you were so weak when I got back you couldn't walk. you still wouldn't go to the ER. You were so short of breath. I put oxygen on you. it didn't help much. Finally, after my tank was nearly empty, you agreed to go to the ER. I still thought pneumonia. When the paramedics got here your oxygen level was so low. Even though we'd had oxygen on you for a while. They turned it up. They ran lights and siren. I still wasn't afraid for your life though. That would come on Sunday morning when Dr. Z showed me your chest X-ray. ARDS. Obviously it would be a long uphill battle. Then the blood clots in your legs were found. We had no clue they were there. Little pieces would go to your lungs even with the filter and blood thinners.

You fought hard to stay. Blood clots to your lungs stole your breath day after day. I wished it would have been just pneumonia. God said enough one day and He took you home. I don't doubt that one bit. And I am grateful that I know that- I don't think I could have stood it had I not known. And I still miss you today. You told me not to. I can't help it.

You told me to move on. That's harder than you told me it would be. We used to joke about it. Before the tumor. About if I went first or if you went first. It's OK though. Death is part of life. The nurse part of me knows that. The wife part of me did too but in a different way. Its something half of us will face. I am trying. It helps to write.

Three years ago tomorrow you left our home in an ambulance for the last time. Bandit looked for you for months. I think he still does sometimes. He got depressed for quite a while.

I love you and miss you. I dream about you still. Some days when it's very quiet, I hear you shuffle through the house or drop the remote as only you can do. I don't know if this is normal or not. It's my normal. I am ok. I am. I am waiting for the easier part they tell me time will create. I guess time will tell.

Love,
M

Mid January!

I really can't believe it's practically 3 weeks into January. WOW! Time surely flies faster and faster the older I get. I know. In reality it still takes 24 hours to make a day, seven days to make a week etc but doesn't it seem like Christmas was yesterday instead of almost a month ago?!

Had a good three day weekend off. It was our church weekend at Miller Hill. We had good services both days. Saturday night Brother Cecil preached how The Lord sets the table and its ours if we want to pull up to it, it's still there if we don't. OUR choice. And that is so true. God never sent one person to hell. The choice is ours. It's also our choice to serve and work for Him or just sit back and watch. God promised me He would save Tober if I worked for Him on Christmas Eve about midnight when she was 2 1/2 months old sleeping in my arms. I haven't forgotten that promise. I just sat down. I gotta work and pull back up. Do my part. I keep saying that, not doing it. Devil tells me I don't matter, by the time I get back where I need to be, weekends will change again and it will be a while before I get to go back. There is a fifth Sunday in March. March 31- Easter Sunday, a very special day. And my day off, but it switches my weekend again and keeps me from going to Miller Hill. I will then have to wait until there is another fifth Sunday to get to go back. 😔 I love my church. The folks there took us in, treated us like family, and when Rick got sick, they were there any time we needed anything. Still are. It's hard to be there sometimes though. Rick loved Milker Hill so, and I still see him over where he stood and sat. This weekend however, that was easier. Still way too short of breath to try to sing-- not that I can anyway! I surely didn't get the Childress singing gene! And I don't have the strength to stand and sing and if I'm up there, I don't like to sit, so I keep my seat. I was so hoping the breathing thing would get better, but it seems to be a bit worse. I've tried to watch the salt lately, but my legs and feet are very swollen- even now after 2 hours with them up. My shoes are so tight! Hope they go down by morning! If I cross your mind when you pray, remember me. Please and thank you and I will do my best to remember y'all.

Check out and follow Val's blog linked to the left here: Innovative Mommy is the title.

I love all y'all! ❤
To be continued.......

January 15

Every two years we have to renew our basic life support certification BLS. It was my turn this morning. It took about an hour total. Beginning to end. Yay! I'm done until 2015! Well, except for ACLS recertification. Thats later this summer. ACLS stands for advanced cardiac life support. It adds medications and advanced airway to the basic life support. I've been an instructor in both. I used to be an instructor trainer in BLS. That meant I taught instructors to teach BLS. I let that go when we moved to Massachusetts. I let the ACLS instructor go when Rick got sick. I may get that back this summer, Sherry asked me to today. We will see how it goes.

Yesterday we had sleet for about 15 minutes. It's supposed to do that again today. Where besides KY can you wear short sleeves and flip flops one day, tread water the next and have sleet the next!

I hope y'all have a great day!
I love all y'all!
To be continued.....

January 14

Twenty seven years ago today a ten pound five and one quarter ounce twenty two inch long baby girl was born. She arrived at 4:41 pm by emergency Caesarian section after significantly dropping her heart rate very low a couple times in a short timeframe. I was asleep, being an emergency and no epidural, I had no choice but to have general anesthesia. Epidurals weren't necessarily as routine then as they are now- I wasn't sure I wanted one anyway.

People looking at her in the nursery said: "look at that Sanders baby!" And "she looks two months old already!" And she did, she could pick up her head and turn it side to side while 'gasp' lying on her tummy. Babies laid on their tummies back then.

Happy Birthday Valarie! Being such a big baby, I had been put off work from the end of November. I was on strict bed rest. I knew her first name would be Valarie but I hadn't come up with a middle name. I was watching Dallas re-runs and the episode when JR killed Kristen was on. I thought 'Kristen..... Kristen?! Valarie Kristen!' And so it was. Didn't even have a boys name in the wings... Knew she was a girl from way back when I first found out she was on the way.

I have been told I have an unusual capability for remembering detail. I didn't realize everyone didn't. There are lots of things I remember better than others. I do remember lots about the birth of my children. Now, ordinary everyday days- I might not recall specifics- but something meaningful- I commit it to memory. I only hope some day Alzheimer's doesn't steal it away from me! To my knowledge, no one in my direct blood line has it. None of my grandparents or even great grandparents had it but some of their siblings did. Time will tell I guess.

I will be SO glad to get my computer back! Hopefully by the weekend?! I am not a fan of posting on my blog via my iPhone!

I love all y'all!
To be continued......

Just Stuff

I was just thinking about everything that has happened the past few years. I've been dreaming about Rick a lot. It's just under 2 weeks from the 3 year mark that we spent our very last day ever in our home. And he was so sick that day. He didn't want to go to the hospital. He only went for me. Sometimes I have guilt for that but he would have died that night and I wasn't ready. It was too soon. We were supposed to have a few more months left. Spending his last 6 weeks on earth on a ventilator was not his choice. He only agreed because I asked. I just hoped it was pneumonia only and he would recover. Those blood clots to his lungs had other ideas. God had other plans for him. He wanted him to rest, his work was done.

Sorry. But I miss him so much. Some days it's almost more than I can stand. But I do stand it barely. And I go on. AND except for writing here, you might not even suspect.

If you read my Facebook posts, you know Perry found Brandon's razor and cut his hair. Note the tear, he felt like he was in trouble. Val shaved his head. He likes his cut. I got to see him and Tobi today at Nana's. I love that nakey head. They are my babies.

Val is posting away on her blog which you will find on my blog list linked to the left side if this page. "Innovative Mommy" I believe is what it's called, I can't see it right now. I have computer problems and am posting from my phone. She does an excellent job with her blog. Give it a try.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I have been feeling quite short of breath and my ankles and feet are swelling a lot. I looked up a medicine I'm on. It could be the culprit. I will tell the Dr next time I see him.

I love all y'all.
To be continued....

One week from today

It's just one week until Val turns 27. That's pretty difficult to believe in so many ways. It also makes me very old. Happy Birthday Sissy! Val has a blog- innovative mommy linked here on my blog list to the left. Check it out.

Just 3 days would have been Carlos' birthday. In two months he will be gone 4 years (this March). That doesn't seem real either. And in just a couple weeks will mark the third anniversary of Ricks last day here at home. It makes me sad to think about it. He wouldn't want me to think about it. He told me to move on quickly. I was still young and should get on with life. I just can't help it. I still miss him like it was yesterday. You can't spend almost 25 years married to someone and put them on the back burner or off the stove so easily.

Please remember a neighbor in your prayers. Looks like he will be coming home from the hospital with hospice. God knows everything. His will will be. Prayers for comfort and peace for him and his family would be appreciated.

It has been a very productive day here. Complete with chicken pot pie (homemade) for supper. It's so good even if I didn't have carrots for it. I subbed corn. It was great!

I love all y'all!
To be continued.....

Twenty seven years ago.....

Twenty seven years ago this month my first child was born. Does not seem like she should be almost 27 but she is. Now with 3 kids of her own, she sees how quickly time flies too. 27 years ago right about now I was so bored! I had been on bedrest since the Monday after Thanksgiving. I was bored to tears almost. Shew! There was nothing to do but watch TV. I wasn't allowed out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Every time I stood up, my feet would swell. First thing in the morning, my ankles would be normal. All I had to do was stand and I had 4+ pitting edema. Now for you non-nurse friends, that means I was very swollen! The only thing that kept me from having toxemia of pregnancy was there was no protein from my kidneys. My blood pressure was OK. She had been due December 30. She did not arrive until January 14. I still tease her she was two and a half weeks late being born and she has never been on time for anything. She does not find that funny. I do. I remember there being snow when we came home from the hospital. And when she was two weeks old, the space shuttle Challenger exploded. I was feeding her when it happened. I cried. I was already upset, not being able to nurse her- she was taking her first bottle. She had cried most of the night, being 10 pounds 5 1/4 ounces and 22 inches long, she was a big girl and hungry. I love C-sections!

I feel so old. I guess we are as old as we feel, and tonight thinking about how old she is, I feel old!

I want to know who turned off the heat? Man it is cold outside and getting colder! Low 20's tonight! I kinda hope for call tomorrow. I have an extra shift this week. I will be OK without it!!

I think this is all for tonight. I hope y'all have a great rest of the week! Remember those who need you to in your prayers! There are many who need our prayers, me included.

I love all y'all!
To be continued........
Just me, Myra

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.” Psalm 90:12 KJV

A brand new year! 2013 is here!

Well, the new year made it here without any problems (that I know of). YAY! I spent New Years Eve until about 10:30 pm with friends up the road, I spend it there nearly every year. Nick and Janna went with me, but they didn't stay long. We had some good food, good fun and a great bunch of folks. I look forward to the gatherings there. We always have a good time. Tika Sue didn't know what to think about all the people and not being put up in the bedroom. She wandered around looking up at people. She wanted various folks to hold her. Tika is a teacup Chihuahua. She is Sandy's little buddy. She goes lots of places with them even when they go camping in the summer. Now, if only I could get that %^** camera away from Tonya Lynn....

   

The picture with Sandy on the floor happened after I left.... Looks like I missed out on some fun....

I had to go into work this morning, stayed all day of course. It was a busy day. Thankful for good co-workers that help each other.

I was looking over the blog. 2012 had 156 posts. Since I started blogging in 2010, there have been 451 total posts with 16,600 total page views. I can not tell you who unless there was a comment.

Did you make a New Years Resolution? I didn't, never have really......

I hope each and every one has a very blessed New Year!!

I love all y'all!
To be continued.......
Just me, Myra

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV